Deciphering Real Estate Bullshit

Moving house can be the best, and very quickly, the worse decision one can make.

In the 15 minutes you get to inspect a house (and subsequently decide whether you want to live in it) you may come to find that things are not exactly how you envisioned them to be.
Sometimes, just sometimes, real estate companies may used terms that make a property seem slightly better than they are.

1950s-housewife

Susan loved the fact that her new place had no dishwasher.

Having visited many uninhabitable hot properties, it seems only fair to share the wisdom we have gained thus far. Here are a list of terms and their actual meaning:

COSY:
Comfortably fits 0.5 people.
Will suit single child or tenant with no intention to furnish.

CHARMING:
Charmingly out-dated interior design.
Possibly the previous resident was elderly and died there.

OLDER-STYLE:
Leaky roof.
No internet connection available.

GREAT LOCATION:
Nothing of interest within the house.

NEWLY RENOVATED:
Bathroom has stainless steel taps instead of white plastic ones.

CLOSE TO SHOPS:
A Post Office and Petrol Station nearby.

CLOSE TO SCHOOL:
Noisy.

CLOSE TO BEACH:
Expensive.

CLOSE TO PUBLIC TRANSPORT:
People hanging out at the bus stop at your front door.

PETS UPON APPLICATION:
Goldfish and/or small bird allowed.

WILL SUIT STUDENT:
Not suitable for adults.
Repairs not attended to.

PARTLY FURNISHED:
Contains poor-taste furniture too bulky to remove.

OPEN PLAN LIVING:
No privacy within the house.

MODERN STUDIO:
Has more than one power outlet.

NEAT:
Walls painted by a professional.

SMALL BACKYARD:
Strip of grass behind house.

COURTYARD AREA:
Has a back door leading out to the back fence.

OFF-STREET PARKING:
No parking.

SHARED LAUNDRY:
Shed with a washing machine out the back somewhere.

PARTIAL VIEW OF OCEAN:
Majority view of another building.

COMBINED DINING / LOUNGE AREA:
Pick one only.

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Getting Unfit and Staying Unfit

The best time to start any new change is tomorrow; it’s close enough that you can feel inspired about it, without having to actually do something today.

How I Keep Unfit:

Sometimes I flick through a fitness magazine or see a TV ad for a smoothie maker and suddenly decide I am going to change my life and become incredibly fit (read: hot).

I usually kick-start my fitness plan by spending a whole day at the shops looking to buy the perfect pair of new running shoes. When I eventually arrive home, often without shoes at all, I am completely exhausted and lay about on the couch.

If I do decide to go for a jog the next day, conditions must be perfect. After all, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable; the biggest part of a healthy lifestyle is self-esteem and feeling good about what you are doing. I would love to run, but unfortunately there is simply no way I can should any wind, rain, excessive sunshine, spectators or judgmental dogs be around. If all is clear I will need to have something suitable to wear, although as I currently hate my entire wardrobe, a day at the shops for a workout outfit may be necessary.

Watching 'Bridget Jones' Diary' can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself.

Watching ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself. (See also: The Biggest Loser)

My diet starts off with good intentions. I troll through Instagram looking at healthy menu ideas for dinner whilst munching on an unsatisfying celery stalk and then downing a Diet Coke to make sure my tastebuds still work. Buying plenty of whole, raw foods makes me feel like I’m already a full-blown yoga instructor. I make a point to look down upon those in the frozen food aisle so as to motivate them to change to the healthy, organic lifestyle that I have decided I am adopting this week. My fridge becomes stocked with foods I am yet to Google how to prepare or cook and others I will discover I don’t like the taste of.

The day after this, if I haven’t forgotten entirely about my health plan, I usually decide I should dedicate a set time each day to exercise.

Starting tomorrow.

In the early morning my alarm goes off and I decide that early mornings will not be that time.
Later in the afternoon I conclude that sometime before dinner would be a good time to workout as it will get my appetite going. Granted, there is a TV show I simply must watch first because we all need some guilty pleasures, no matter how small, however I decide I will get started after the episode finishes.

A quick check of Facebook naturally follows. As expected, there is nothing much on my news feed of any particular interest. One would think I could pull myself away, but yet the sun begins to set outside while I aimlessly flick through things and look at what other people liked.

As it is now dinner time I must first take in my fuel before any exercise happens. A funny smell is lingering and I find a wilted bunch of ‘some-organic-plant-I-have-forgotten-how-to-pronounce’ squashed behind my emergency chocolate milk. The texture of whatever superfood I had bought and subsequently killed is so slimy and gross I deem the situation a state of emergency.

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Fig 1. How to sexually arouse a female

I decide I need to go back to the shops to get actual edible food and a new magazine for a visionboard collage that I will never get around to making, and thus, I end my intensive week of hardcore fitness, health and inner wellbeing.

#winning

Signs You Are An Anxious Person

  • You are always the one in the group who keeps repeating “So what’s the plan?”
  • You triple-check that you have your house keys: Once before you walk out the door. Again just after you have closed the door. And a third time later just as you decide you are ready to go back home.
  • You recognise someone you know in public and duck away quickly, worrying about how to approach the situation, if at all.
  • Unknown Caller IDs frighten you.
  • Out to dinner with friends you are not at all involved in the conversation as there are far too many choices on the menu to decide from.
  • You become stressed when someone asks “What are you doing tomorrow?” as you can’t be sure if they are going to suggest something awesome or awful to participate in.
  • Using Google Maps, you find out that you will need to leave at 9am to get to your destination on time. You estimate that if there is traffic you will actually need to leave at 8:30am. You set an alarm for 6am and leave at 6:15am.
  • You are never seen at work lunch breaks as you choose to hide in your car or an empty room / broom closet to avoid awkward interactions with colleagues.
  • You watch a show about a rare condition and later think about similar symptoms you have noticed.
  • At the doctors waiting room you regret being tested for a rare condition you recently found out about as there is a slight chance the results may prove you have it.
  • You can’t let yourself relax when using a bathroom at someone’s house that does not have a lock on the door.
  • When the boss is watching you completely fumble and look utterly hopeless at your job, but when they are away you seamlessly transition between tasks without faltering.1383525_1415503242011851_264356225_n
  • You panic when you have to leave a voice message on someones phone and / or you plan ahead what you will say if the machine picks up.
  • You want to host a party for your birthday but become completely overwhelmed with all the necessary things involved that you abandon the whole plan before anyone even knows about it.
  • You read this list and are anxious about that fact that you identify with most of it.

Things I Need To Remind My Partner Of Every Week

  • The bin gets collected on Wednesdays.

The bin was collected last Wednesday. The bin was collected every Wednesday before that. The bin will be collected this Wednesday. The bin has been collected every Wednesday. The bin needs to go out on Tuesday night because the bin gets collected on Wednesday.

  • The washing doesn’t do itself.

Putting clothes into the washing machine is not the final step in the process of having clean clothes. Some form of wetting and drying needs to take place before these clothes can be worn again. As automatic pegs do not yet exist at this stage, light manual work is required.

  • We don’t have a dishwasher.

Additionally, simply piling up dishes and using every clean utensil left does not guarantee that earlier used items will be ready for use again by the time you have completely cleared out the cupboard.

  • I am still poor.

Yes, I would love to go out with you for dinner again this week. Yes, I would love to go away on holiday somewhere at some point soon. No, I have not suddenly earned significantly more this week than I did last week. No, your apparent starvation is not what our emergency money is for.Adventures in loserville-18

  • We still cannot buy a dog.

Unfortunately, as our rental unit hasn’t suddenly grown itself a backyard, we will be unable to buy every puppy at the pet store. Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

  • I need down time.

What’s that? We finally have one night free together this week? Sure, invite a gaggle of friends around that I have to cook for, or plan a social event that I have to drive to. Better yet, don’t tell me until I get home ready to relax, then spring it on me that I should keep my shoes on because we are heading out to pick everyone up.

  • Making the bed is not the same as cleaning the house.

I don’t know how to explain this any clearer. It’s like putting a hat on a dog and calling it a person. No amount of smoothing out a quilt cover or stuffing clothes into a wardrobe will make the floors and benchtops any cleaner.

  • In keeping with this, if you come up with some sort of system in your wardrobe then you will not have to pull everything out to find something.

Perhaps before you ‘tidy up’ by forcing the door shut on your avalanche of clothes, maybe say to yourself: ‘Pants go here’, ‘Tops go there.’ It really is as hard as that.

  • The car needs petrol.

I appreciate you leaving just enough in the tank so that I break down just as I arrive at the petrol station, but I am not sure I get the same sort of thrill driving with the little petrol gauge light blinking as you must.

  • Please note: If I leave the house without my phone, there is a slight chance I will NOT die.

There may be times that I forget my phone, or worse, I choose to walk to the shop down the road without it. As this crisis occurs almost every week, please try to keep in mind that I still exist even when you cannot see me or talk to me. Please wait at least 20 mins before panicking about what to say to the local news channel who are no doubt working with the Police to find me.

Alternatively, if I have my phone with me and I do not contact you back straight away when you are trying to tell me important information about what kind of sandwich you are currently eating, this is not grounds to believe that I have left you and am not coming back.

  • And another thing, I still don’t like Olives or Mushrooms.

Continuing to suggest dinner ideas with olives or mushrooms in it does not increase my appetite for them. Sometimes people can care about each other but still like different things. There is nothing wrong with your ideas, I JUST DON’T LIKE OLIVES OR MUSHROOMS.

Online Dating: How To Separate Eligible Human Beings From The Rest

Generally when people are behind the shield of the interwebs they naturally become obnoxious liars.  In online dating in particular, some users tend to embellish truths about themselves in order to appear less grotesque and undateable than they are.

And so, we have been forced by society to decipher the code that is used by many when creating a online dating profile.

Use this guide to determine who is worthy of getting into your inbox and whom shall be blocked.

TERM USED      Vs    ACTUAL REALITY

Cute: Has a distinct inability to be considered sexy by their friends.

No time-wasters: Desperately watching their biological clock run out.

Likes children: Hacked.

Mature: Haggered and at deaths door.

Looking to experiment: Not yet able to find a single person willing to have sex with them.

Looking for a good time: Not interested in whether you also have a good time.

Social smoker / drinker: A smoker / drinker with a very limited income.

Hot: Questionable intelligence levels.

Open-minded: Hoping others will be open-minded when they later disclose that they have several children.

Looking for a change: Has left a trail of destroyed relationships behind them.

Starting a new chapter: Clearly is a recently released prisoner.

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My friends describe me as…: Their friends have no knowledge of this profile, have never said this and indeed may not be actual people.

Intelligent: Knows the difference between ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’.

New to the dating scene: Was pressured to make this profile after growing concerns from friends and family.

Looking to develop something permanent: Looking for a live-in cleaner and cook.

Looking for Mr Right: Desperately looking to not be the last single person in their friendship group.

Sexy: Sexually aroused by mirrors.

Seeks 18-25yr old: Delusional.

Blogger: Too many personal issues to mention.

What We Have Learnt From Horror Movies

Horror movies are designed to shock and fill in time before the apparent Zombie Apocalypse.

After avid and countless hours of research whilst the rest of our lives fall apart, we have noted trends that appear in horror movies and, should any of these events actually take place, we have compiled data that you may be able to recall should a mad killer or monster ever be on the loose and want to acquaint itself with your flesh.
Adventures in loserville-15

Women:
Should an horrific disaster be taking place, don’t bother wasting precious seconds grabbing clothes as you flee out the door, as you will find that your clothes will mysteriously start to strategically fall off as the drama continues.

Lesbians:
Lesbians will always be a target. However, if you are a butch short-haired lesbian expect to have a couple of good one-liners, a little bit of ass-kicking, then ultimately be killed by some sort of male monstrosity.
Long-haired, slim, good-looking lesbians can be expected to live for the majority of the event. Kissing an equally attractive female during the chaos will help to increase your lifespan.

Pet Owners:
Your dog is probably smarter than you and fled the first second there was trouble instead of messing about with fate and answering the door at midnight or checking outside in the dark without a weapon. Let your animal run free to save itself instead of bringing its existence to the attention of the maniac. Your dog will bark and give away your location as revenge for not letting it GTFO.

Nerds:
Your brains may help you to be recruited to the team of the survivors, but do not be fooled, they are all blaming you for not knowing that this Apocalypse was going to happen, genius.
If your plan to stay alive works better without the single mother and the leader guy having to be involved, then you should leave them to rot. Quite frankly you are cramping their style.

Men:
Good-looking man = Safe
Overweight man = Goodbye

Remember: if you need to kill someone, just keep shooting or stabbing til they’re dead, like, for real dead. If an evil person starts openly telling you their entire plot of domination, kill them while they’re chatting. And don’t leave the knife or whatever next to them, they’re bleeding, not stupid.

Alternatively, try to lock your doors, dumb-ass. And for God’s sake, if you hear something during the night, just do what I do on most Saturday nights: just stay under the covers, cry and wait for death.

…If you are reading this, I am going to assume you are not dead and therefore this guide has served you well.
You’re welcome.

What We Have Learnt From Tinder

The desire to communicate with only good-looking people is a very real, desperate need for most humans. Dating, casual sex, (and to a lesser extent, meaningful relationships) are all a wonderful part of life. And so, Tinder has come to our rescue, to ensure that only the highest quality of people dare to speak to us and address us by our alleged name.

According to our thorough and pathetic research, our studies have shown that if you are using Tinder, it is mandatory that your profile photos contain the following:

Males
– A shirtless photo
– A photo sporting a beard and/or sunglasses to make it hard to determine how attractive you really are
– Drinking photo

Females
– Bathroom Selfie
– Bikini shot
– Photo with a more attractive female friend(s) without specifying which one you are


In addition, should someone be bothered to find out a single thing about your personality before they swipe right on yo’ fine ass, you will need to include the following:

Males
– Your height (real or wishful)
– If you have ever picked up a barbell and attempted a bench press, you better mention it here
– Throw the terms ‘fun times’, ‘chilled’ and ‘cool’ in there
– “Drinkin’ with ma bois” also appears to be a favourite hobby amongst the gentlemen

Females
– A link to your ‘really inspiring’ instagram photos
– If you are blonde, it is important that you reiterate this here, in case your photos were not clear enough
– Throw the terms ‘travel’ and ‘having fun’ and ‘looking to meet new people’ in there somewhere
– If you are not looking to hook-up and are “In a relationship”, please note this statement will often be interpreted as “Not in a relationship”

The principle theory of Tinder is that it is perfectly fine to judge a book by it’s cover, especially if you don’t plan to read it or call it the next day.

If you have followed these simple rules for your profile, then you too will be happily matched in no time to the nearest douche-bag or tart.

Good luck!