Deciphering Real Estate Bullshit

Moving house can be the best, and very quickly, the worse decision one can make.

In the 15 minutes you get to inspect a house (and subsequently decide whether you want to live in it) you may come to find that things are not exactly how you envisioned them to be.
Sometimes, just sometimes, real estate companies may used terms that make a property seem slightly better than they are.

Susan loved the fact that her new place had no dishwasher.

Having visited many uninhabitable hot properties, it seems only fair to share the wisdom we have gained thus far. Here are a list of terms and their actual meaning:

COSY:
Comfortably fits 0.5 people.
Will suit single child or tenant with no intention to furnish.

CHARMING:
Charmingly out-dated interior design.
Possibly the previous resident was elderly and died there.

OLDER-STYLE:
Leaky roof.
No internet connection available.

GREAT LOCATION:
Nothing of interest within the house.

NEWLY RENOVATED:
Bathroom has stainless steel taps instead of white plastic ones.

CLOSE TO SHOPS:
A Post Office and Petrol Station nearby.

CLOSE TO SCHOOL:
Noisy.

CLOSE TO BEACH:
Expensive.

CLOSE TO PUBLIC TRANSPORT:
People hanging out at the bus stop at your front door.

PETS UPON APPLICATION:
Goldfish and/or small bird allowed.

WILL SUIT STUDENT:
Not suitable for adults.
Repairs not attended to.

PARTLY FURNISHED:
Contains poor-taste furniture too bulky to remove.

OPEN PLAN LIVING:
No privacy within the house.

MODERN STUDIO:
Has more than one power outlet.

NEAT:
Walls painted by a professional.

SMALL BACKYARD:
Strip of grass behind house.

COURTYARD AREA:
Has a back door leading out to the back fence.

OFF-STREET PARKING:
No parking.

SHARED LAUNDRY:
Shed with a washing machine out the back somewhere.

PARTIAL VIEW OF OCEAN:
Majority view of another building.

COMBINED DINING / LOUNGE AREA:
Pick one only.

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Getting Unfit and Staying Unfit

The best time to start any new change is tomorrow; it’s close enough that you can feel inspired about it, without having to actually do something today.

How I Keep Unfit:

Sometimes I flick through a fitness magazine or see a TV ad for a smoothie maker and suddenly decide I am going to change my life and become incredibly fit (read: hot).

I usually kick-start my fitness plan by spending a whole day at the shops looking to buy the perfect pair of new running shoes. When I eventually arrive home, often without shoes at all, I am completely exhausted and lay about on the couch.

If I do decide to go for a jog the next day, conditions must be perfect. After all, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable; the biggest part of a healthy lifestyle is self-esteem and feeling good about what you are doing. I would love to run, but unfortunately there is simply no way I can should any wind, rain, excessive sunshine, spectators or judgmental dogs be around. If all is clear I will need to have something suitable to wear, although as I currently hate my entire wardrobe, a day at the shops for a workout outfit may be necessary.

Watching ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself. (See also: The Biggest Loser)

My diet starts off with good intentions. I troll through Instagram looking at healthy menu ideas for dinner whilst munching on an unsatisfying celery stalk and then downing a Diet Coke to make sure my tastebuds still work. Buying plenty of whole, raw foods makes me feel like I’m already a full-blown yoga instructor. I make a point to look down upon those in the frozen food aisle so as to motivate them to change to the healthy, organic lifestyle that I have decided I am adopting this week. My fridge becomes stocked with foods I am yet to Google how to prepare or cook and others I will discover I don’t like the taste of.

The day after this, if I haven’t forgotten entirely about my health plan, I usually decide I should dedicate a set time each day to exercise.

Starting tomorrow.

In the early morning my alarm goes off and I decide that early mornings will not be that time.
Later in the afternoon I conclude that sometime before dinner would be a good time to workout as it will get my appetite going. Granted, there is a TV show I simply must watch first because we all need some guilty pleasures, no matter how small, however I decide I will get started after the episode finishes.

A quick check of Facebook naturally follows. As expected, there is nothing much on my news feed of any particular interest. One would think I could pull myself away, but yet the sun begins to set outside while I aimlessly flick through things and look at what other people liked.

As it is now dinner time I must first take in my fuel before any exercise happens. A funny smell is lingering and I find a wilted bunch of ‘some-organic-plant-I-have-forgotten-how-to-pronounce’ squashed behind my emergency chocolate milk. The texture of whatever superfood I had bought and subsequently killed is so slimy and gross I deem the situation a state of emergency.

Fig 1. How to sexually arouse a female

I decide I need to go back to the shops to get actual edible food and a new magazine for a visionboard collage that I will never get around to making, and thus, I end my intensive week of hardcore fitness, health and inner wellbeing.

#winning

…

Signs You Are An Anxious Person

• You are always the one in the group who keeps repeating “So what’s the plan?”

• You triple-check that you have your house keys: Once before you walk out the door. Again just after you have closed the door. And a third time later just as you decide you are ready to go back home.

• You recognise someone you know in public and duck away quickly, worrying about how to approach the situation, if at all.

• Unknown Caller IDs frighten you.

• Out to dinner with friends you are not at all involved in the conversation as there are far too many choices on the menu to decide from.

• You become stressed when someone asks “What are you doing tomorrow?” as you can’t be sure if they are going to suggest something awesome or awful to participate in.

• Using Google Maps, you find out that you will need to leave at 9am to get to your destination on time. You estimate that if there is traffic you will actually need to leave at 8:30am. You set an alarm for 6am and leave at 6:15am.

• You are never seen at work lunch breaks as you choose to hide in your car or an empty room / broom closet to avoid awkward interactions with colleagues.

• You watch a show about a rare condition and later think about similar symptoms you have noticed.

• At the doctors waiting room you regret being tested for a rare condition you recently found out about as there is a slight chance the results may prove you have it.

• You can’t let yourself relax when using a bathroom at someone’s house that does not have a lock on the door.

• When the boss is watching you completely fumble and look utterly hopeless at your job, but when they are away you seamlessly transition between tasks without faltering.

• You panic when you have to leave a voice message on someones phone and / or you plan ahead what you will say if the machine picks up.

• You want to host a party for your birthday but become completely overwhelmed with all the necessary things involved that you abandon the whole plan before anyone even knows about it.

• You read this list and are anxious about that fact that you identify with most of it.