Why High Fashion Is A Bad Look

High fashion is a particularly bad look. You just know the runway models are dying inside, if not from starvation, certainly from having to wear things that don’t even resemble clothes. Lady Gaga herself wouldn’t even touch some of these. Take for instance this lovely number:

And who wouldn’t want to be caught dead in this:

Nipples on mannequins have also been on the increase. Please tell me why we need this. I feel very uncomfortable noticing peoples nipples poking out at me when in public, why make me see this displayed on clothes I am expected to buy? This just screams couture:

The price tag is another thing. Why I am looking at a plain white T-shirt that costs more than I make in a day? And who is going to boutiques to buy a plain white T-shirt? Although this is definitely a must-have:

Had a busy day shopping? Nail salons have now become a fashionable establishment. They have popped up everywhere offering pedicures for the truly lazy rich sophisticated whilst only costing you the life of one salon employer who will inevitably die from overexposure to toxic fumes. There is nothing demeaning about this scene:

I have also never understood the obsession people have with shoes. I get that feet are ugly and I am all for not seeing anybody’s toes, but some shoes are just not worth the effort. But then again, who doesn’t need a pair of these:
And I can’t deny that I have always wanted to achieve that ‘hoof’ look:
But for now, I better get going and make my way down to 5th Ave before this sells out:

I better run though, might put my joggers on:
Oh, and I’ll wear a hat too, just to be stylish:

Wouldn’t want to look stupid.

Nailed it.

 

A Strongly-Worded Open Letter: Commercials For Sanitary Products

To whom it may concern on the Advertising Regulations Board.

It is with great discomfort that I express my concern regarding several television commercials I have had the misfortune of coming across, sometimes unexpectedly in the night, over the past few years. I believe there has been an overflowing and widespread trend promoting false advertising around products for female menstruation clogging up my television screen. I refer here, of course, to the various commercials you broadcast for companies manufacturing so-called ‘sanitary napkins’.
Every time I view them I see red! I wish to have better protection from these misleading images leaking further into society. I have, rather indiscreetly, listed below the individual qualms I hold against these advertisements and the measures I feel should be taken in order to present a realistic and accurate depiction of these products and their function.

My first issue with the plastic sponge or ‘pad’ commercials lies with the actors portraying what it is like to be on one’s period. It is evident when viewing that there is not nearly enough groaning, bloating, excessive eating, wind problems and general anger at the world shown which, I feel, makes it confusing as to when this product is needed. May I perhaps suggest showing a woman with a pronounced pimple developing on her chin, who clearly hasn’t had enough sleep, yelling “THIS BETTER NOT GO ON TV!” and then cutting to a shot of her crying. This may set up a more relate-able context for audiences as opposed to showing someone simply rubbing their forehead, slightly discomforted during a routine bike ride.

The bike-riding image in itself is very misleading. I ask you Sir(s), have you ever put your vagina onto a bicycle seat wearing what is basically a giant, post-it style nappy built for your own gushing uterus contents? Where is all the wedgie-picking footage? And why are all these white pants shown to be completely unsoiled?

Post-its: NOT a substitute for sanitary products.

There are other advertisements circulating showing a blue liquid being poured into sanitary napkins to simulate absorbency. I feel this does not allow viewers to make an informed decision on the product as I have been told by many women that in fact blood rather than Powerade is most commonly found to be spewing out of their nether region at that time of the month. In affect, by presenting the effectiveness of a pad for soaking up coloured water this rather misguided approach may mislead viewers into thinking that the much more convincing ‘ShamWow!’ is really what they need down there.

ShamWow!: NOT a substitute for sanitary products

When promoting the addition of ‘wings’, the advertisers also fail to state that these ‘flaps’ are clearly just made to stick to the pad itself or at best, an inner thigh.

The general public has been lied to enough and we should not be left to figure out for ourselves which particular brand of pad will crumple up and be rendered useless in the night and which will become dislodged while dancing and stick to our ass cheeks. I urge you to pass on these suggestions to the associated advertising companies responsible and see to it that these revisions are made. The failure to present actual, accurate information and instead being constantly bombarded with buzz-words like ‘body-conforming’ (ie. Shovels up into ass crack the first time bending over) and images of people at the beach (ie. Should not be attempted in conjunction with product shown) makes me feel irritable, moody, grumpy, hungry and want to curl up in bed and call in sick to work.

I don’t want to get my knickers in a knot but this whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth.

Please rectify effective immediately.

Yours sincerely,
Iva Cramp

A Typical Conversation With Myself At The Gym

“Ok, yep, I’m ready.
Totally gonna smash this out.
Gonna do 10kms on the treadmill, yep.
Alright.
Ok.
Looking good.
Feeling alright.
I got this.

Yep.
This isn’t so bad.
Don’t know why I thought this would be so hard.
I’m killing it.
Probably the fittest one here.
Yep, pretty much.

Oh wait, nope.
No, she definitely looks more toned then me.
Better move up to a higher speed.
Yep.
Nope, too fast.
Back down.
Ok, yep.
Take a drink, that’s it.
Recovery.
Definitely got this.
Alright, good she’s gone.
Feeling good.
Feeling good.

Oh, I love this song.
Alright, gonna sprint during the chorus.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
GO!

Feeling like a champion.
Probably look like a pro.
Oh God.
God, hurry up.
Why is this chorus so long?
Keep going.
Still going.
Bit more.

Nope.
Can’t do it.
Alright, that’s ok.
Most of the chorus.
That’s good.
Just gonna pace it for the rest of the song.
Yep, taking a drink.

Ok, and I am at… 1km?
What?
Feel like I’ve been on here for ages.
Oh God, not even half way.
Better aim for 5kms.

Ok, yep.
5kms, I can do this.
Yep, almost half way.
Better slow it down.
Don’t want to over do it.
Yep, getting there.
Ok.
Almost half way.
Alright.
Ok, more like one-third of the way.
But that’s alright.
Feeling good.

Little bit sore, but moving on.
Not gonna think about it.
Gonna ignore that slight pain in my knee.
Just pretend its not there.
Just jogging it off.

Ok, seriously what is that?
Really starting to hurt.
Better slow it down a bit more.
Don’t want to risk it.
Besides almost finished.
Almost finished.
Yep, alright.
Couple more kms.
Just a few more kms.
Keep going.
Oh God, she’s back.

And great, she picked the treadmill next to me.
Who does that?
There are like a million others to choose from.
Better have a drink.

Alright refocus.
Almost there.
What is going on with my knee?
Slowing it up again.
Should’ve stretched.
Knew it.
Just gonna walk it off.

Oh god, still another 2kms to go.
Don’t think I can do it.
Probably shouldn’t.
Could have a serious sports injury here.
Better finish it up.

Alright I’ll just get to 3.5kms and then I’ll stop.
Doing good.
Doing good.

3.3kms.

Yep, pretty close.

Little bit more.

God, shouldn’t have drank so much.
Need to pee.
Alright little bit further, then I’ll get off.
Few more minutes.

Yep, just few more steps.

Nope.
That’ll do.
Over it.”

—- End scene —-