Why High Fashion Is A Bad Look

High fashion is a particularly bad look. You just know the runway models are dying inside, if not from starvation, certainly from having to wear things that don’t even resemble clothes. Lady Gaga herself wouldn’t even touch some of these. Take for instance this lovely number:

fashion 1And who wouldn’t want to be caught dead in this:

fashion11

Nipples on mannequins have also been on the increase. Please tell me why we need this. I feel very uncomfortable noticing peoples nipples poking out at me when in public, why make me see this displayed on clothes I am expected to buy? This just screams couture:
fashion6

The price tag is another thing. Why I am looking at a plain white T-shirt that costs more than I make in a day? And who is going to boutiques to buy a plain white T-shirt? Although this is definitely a must-have:
fashion7

Had a busy day shopping? Nail salons have now become a fashionable establishment. They have popped up everywhere offering pedicures for the truly lazy rich sophisticated whilst only costing you the life of one salon employer who will inevitably die from overexposure to toxic fumes. There is nothing demeaning about this scene:

fashion2

I have also never understood the obsession people have with shoes. I get that feet are ugly and I am all for not seeing anybody’s toes, but some shoes are just not worth the effort. But then again, who doesn’t need a pair of these:
fashion3And I can’t deny that I have always wanted to achieve that ‘hoof’ look:
fashion4But for now, I better get going and make my way down to 5th Ave before this sells out:

fashion9
I better run though, might put my joggers on:
fashion8Oh, and I’ll wear a hat too, just to be stylish:
fashion10
Wouldn’t want to look stupid.

fashion5

Nailed it.

 

A Strongly-Worded Open Letter: Commercials For Sanitary Products

periodTo whom it may concern on the Advertising Regulations Board.

It is with great discomfort that I express my concern regarding several television commercials I have had the misfortune of coming across, sometimes unexpectedly in the night, over the past few years. I believe there has been an overflowing and widespread trend promoting false advertising around products for female menstruation clogging up my television screen. I refer here, of course, to the various commercials you broadcast for companies manufacturing so-called ‘sanitary napkins’.
Every time I view them I see red! I wish to have better protection from these misleading images leaking further into society. I have, rather indiscreetly, listed below the individual qualms I hold against these advertisements and the measures I feel should be taken in order to present a realistic and accurate depiction of these products and their function.

period1

My first issue with the plastic sponge or ‘pad’ commercials lies with the actors portraying what it is like to be on one’s period. It is evident when viewing that there is not nearly enough groaning, bloating, excessive eating, wind problems and general anger at the world shown which, I feel, makes it confusing as to when this product is needed. May I perhaps suggest showing a woman with a pronounced pimple developing on her chin, who clearly hasn’t had enough sleep, yelling “THIS BETTER NOT GO ON TV!” and then cutting to a shot of her crying. This may set up a more relate-able context for audiences as opposed to showing someone simply rubbing their forehead, slightly discomforted during a routine bike ride.

The bike-riding image in itself is very misleading. I ask you Sir(s), have you ever put your vagina onto a bicycle seat wearing what is basically a giant, post-it style nappy built for your own gushing uterus contents? Where is all the wedgie-picking footage? And why are all these white pants shown to be completely unsoiled?

post-it

Post-its: NOT a substitute for sanitary products.

There are other advertisements circulating showing a blue liquid being poured into sanitary napkins to simulate absorbency. I feel this does not allow viewers to make an informed decision on the product as I have been told by many women that in fact blood rather than Powerade is most commonly found to be spewing out of their nether region at that time of the month. In affect, by presenting the effectiveness of a pad for soaking up coloured water this rather misguided approach may mislead viewers into thinking that the much more convincing ‘ShamWow!’ is really what they need down there.

shamwow

ShamWow!: NOT a substitute for sanitary products

When promoting the addition of ‘wings’, the advertisers also fail to state that these ‘flaps’ are clearly just made to stick to the pad itself or at best, an inner thigh.

period2

The general public has been lied to enough and we should not be left to figure out for ourselves which particular brand of pad will crumple up and be rendered useless in the night and which will become dislodged while dancing and stick to our ass cheeks. I urge you to pass on these suggestions to the associated advertising companies responsible and see to it that these revisions are made. The failure to present actual, accurate information and instead being constantly bombarded with buzz-words like ‘body-conforming’ (ie. Shovels up into ass crack the first time bending over) and images of people at the beach (ie. Should not be attempted in conjunction with product shown) makes me feel irritable, moody, grumpy, hungry and want to curl up in bed and call in sick to work.

I don’t want to get my knickers in a knot but this whole experience has left a bad taste in my mouth.

Please rectify effective immediately.

Yours sincerely,
Iva Cramp

bike

A Typical Conversation With Myself At The Gym

“Ok, yep, I’m ready.
Totally gonna smash this out.
Gonna do 10kms on the treadmill, yep.
Alright.
Ok.
Looking good.
Feeling alright.
I got this.

Yep.
This isn’t so bad.
Don’t know why I thought this would be so hard.
I’m killing it.
Probably the fittest one here.
Yep, pretty much.

Oh wait, nope.
No, she definitely looks more toned then me.
Better move up to a higher speed.
Yep.
Nope, too fast.
Back down.
Ok, yep.
Take a drink, that’s it.
Recovery.
Definitely got this.
Alright, good she’s gone.
Feeling good.
Feeling good.

Oh, I love this song.
Alright, gonna sprint during the chorus.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
GO!

1382421_1415503392011836_575676058_n

Feeling like a champion.
Probably look like a pro.
Oh God.
God, hurry up.
Why is this chorus so long?
Keep going.
Still going.
Bit more.

Nope.
Can’t do it.
Alright, that’s ok.
Most of the chorus.
That’s good.
Just gonna pace it for the rest of the song.
Yep, taking a drink.

Ok, and I am at… 1km?
What?
Feel like I’ve been on here for ages.
Oh God, not even half way.
Better aim for 5kms.

Ok, yep.
5kms, I can do this.
Yep, almost half way.
Better slow it down.
Don’t want to over do it.
Yep, getting there.
Ok.
Almost half way.
Alright.
Ok, more like one-third of the way.
But that’s alright.
Feeling good.

Little bit sore, but moving on.
Not gonna think about it.
Gonna ignore that slight pain in my knee.
Just pretend its not there.
Just jogging it off.

Ok, seriously what is that?
Really starting to hurt.
Better slow it down a bit more.
Don’t want to risk it.
Besides almost finished.
Almost finished.
Yep, alright.
Couple more kms.
Just a few more kms.
Keep going.
Oh God, she’s back.

And great, she picked the treadmill next to me.
Who does that?
There are like a million others to choose from.
Better have a drink.

Alright refocus.
Almost there.
What is going on with my knee?
Slowing it up again.
Should’ve stretched.
Knew it.
Just gonna walk it off.

Oh god, still another 2kms to go.
Don’t think I can do it.
Probably shouldn’t.
Could have a serious sports injury here.
Better finish it up.

Alright I’ll just get to 3.5kms and then I’ll stop.
Doing good.
Doing good.

3.3kms.

Yep, pretty close.

Little bit more.

God, shouldn’t have drank so much.
Need to pee.
Alright little bit further, then I’ll get off.
Few more minutes.

Yep, just few more steps.

Nope.
That’ll do.
Over it.”

—- End scene —-

What I’ve Learnt From Being In A Relationship

What You Wear Is No Longer A Personal Choice

When you are single:
Picking an outfit for the day is a practical task which falls under a simple formula: What is clean?

As a couple:
Your choice in clothing each day comes under the ever-increasing catergory of ‘mutual decisions’. Cleanliness is but one element taken into account, but additional thought processes include: Is it a breach of my own moral dignity to be standing next to this person?

Down Time No Longer Exists

When you are single:
After finishing a long, hard day at work there is nothing better than relaxing and sitting back knowing there is nowhere you need to be and nothing you need to do. Ah, bliss.

As a couple:
After finishing a long, hard day of work you will arrive home to find that in your absence plans have been made for an impromptu dinner party. Peaceful silence has been replaced with a squeal of “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” the moment you walk in the door. Red-faced and flustered, you can only hope that your response of “Yes honey, I will get the bathroom spotless in 5 minutes”, will be enough for her.

Items Of Any Value Will Inevitably Go Missing

When you are single:
When placing any piece of personal property down on a surface, you can expect to find it in this exact location when you next return.

As a couple:
When placing any piece of personal property down on a surface, you do so with knowledge of the risk that it may be used and, if lucky, returned to a surface in a similar location at a point in the furture. Futhermore, if your partner has vocalised any distain toward this piece of personal property – do not expect to see it ever again.

Expenses Are Doubled

When you are single:
Hard-earned money is spent on personal things that are generally necessary to your own survival and wellbeing.

As a couple:
It is understood that you will always foot half of the bill for everything. That $50 conditioner you recently bought together? Your view that you will never use it, and therefore shouldn’t pay, has been taken into consideration and thoroughly ignored.

Normal Conversations Are A Distant Memory

When you are single:
A conversation between yourself and another person is often a delightful exchange of ideas on a single topic. Both participants share their thoughts and feelings in a to and fro manner, which fosters an overall enjoyable experience.

As a couple:
A conversation between yourself and your partner often consists of each person talking about a seperate topic with little to no regard about whether the other is listening. Eventually, when one does stop to listen to the other, the resulting exchange of words is “What was it that you had to talk to me about again?”

Meals Are Not Made According To Your Preferences

When you are single:
When hungry, you casually browse the foodstuffs you have in your household and consume as much or little as desired until satisfied.

As a couple:
When your partner is hungry, they will suggest a specific meal that they are craving. You will then help to purchase and / or prepare a dish which is portioned out to you within the restrictions of latest low-carb / high-protein / low-fat diet until they are satisfied.

Being Correct Is Not The Same As Being Right

When you are single:
You are always right.

As a couple:
She is always right.

What She Told Me And What She Actually Meant

 These are two very different things.

What she said:
“Do you want to just pop down to the shops with me for a little bit?”
What she meant:
“I’ve decided this is what we are doing from now until an undetermined point in time.”

What she said:
“If you have time today, can you give the house a bit of a tidy-up?”
What she meant:
“I expect this house to be clean by the time I get back.”

What she said:
“Does my bum look big in this?”
What she meant:
“I am having a ‘fat day’ and I need you to flatter me with compliments. Truth is irrelevant and has no place within these walls.”

What she said:
“Are you able to drive us there tonight?”
What she meant:
“I will not be taking any form of public transport as you will be driving me there tonight.”

What she said:
“Can I try some of your dessert?”
What she meant:
“I didn’t order this, therefore this does not count towards my calorie-intake.”

What she said:
“Are you going to wear that tonight?”
What she meant:
“We are not going out if you are wearing that tonight.”

What she said:
“We’ll discuss it and figure out what we want to do.”
What she meant:
“I will talk; you will listen; and then we will do what I planned before.”

What she said:
“We’re out of milk.”
What she meant:
“I need some milk; you must go and buy it right now.”

What she said:
“I’m really tired. Do you mind if we just skip the movie tonight?”
What she meant:
“I’m tired of your terrible choice in films and I will not sit through it.”

What she said:
“If it’s not too much trouble, can you pay this time and I’ll pay you back?”
What she meant:
“Irrespective of the trouble this causes you and the negative status of your bank account, I expect you’ll pay for this and ask nothing in return.”

What she said:
“Can I borrow your jacket?”
What she meant:
“This is mine now.”

.

10 Reasons Why She Didn’t Text You Back

    1. Upon opening your text message she remembered a comment you had made in a fight six months earlier. Angry and bitter, she decided it wasn’t yet time to move on.
    2. You texted her during her beauty regime; an unspecified time of day when she is completely unreachable by any forms of communication (satellites, email, yelling outside the bathroom door).
    3. Your text failed to reach the average word length of a sentence and she refused to acknowledge it as conversation.
    4. Since you two are in love, she assumed you should already know the answer.
    5. She read “Your hot” and waited for you to finish your sentence. You never did.
    6. She strategically planned out how she would respond. Following a lengthy and elaborate thought-process, she knew exactly what she was going to say. When she finally had the perfect message she smiled at it with great satisfaction and put her phone away, forgetting to send it.
    7.There was a 20-30 minute delay between her last text and yours, and therefore it was only right for her to assume that you had stopped loving her. In an attempt to seem indifferent and unmoved by your blatant neglect she made an effort to appear busy.
    8. You didn’t sign off your previous text with ‘x x x’. Irrespective of the roses you had sent her that very morning, she made no allowance for your sloppy, unpardonable behaviour.
    9. When she texted “Did I look fat this morning?” Your response “You looked fine” was not the “Of course not. You are not fat, you never have been and you never will be” that she was looking for.
    10. You referred to her as ‘Dude’.