Same-Sex Marriage: USA vs AUS

A brief history of marriage equality as viewed by an Australian:

“Will you marry me?”
“Can’t. It’s illegal. Soz.”

bruno

“Sorry, not allowed.”

May 6, 1950
– Elizabeth Taylor* marries hotel heir Conrad “Nicky” Hilton, at age 18.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Jan 29, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Conrad “Nicky” Hilton after 9 months of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 21, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Michael Wilding, who is 20 years older than her and has previously been married.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

ring

“Can’t. Nvm.”

January 26, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Michael Wilding after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 2, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Mike Todd, whom is 20 years older than her, one month after her second divorce whilst pregnant with his child. This is also Mike Todd’s third marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 22, 1958
– Elizabeth Taylor’s husband Mike Todd dies and becomes the only marriage of hers not to end in divorce.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 12, 1959
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Eddie Fisher, who was best man at her previous wedding. He divorces his first wife to be with her, and will have a total of 5 marriages and 4 divorces in his lifetime.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

rude

“Good for you.”

March 6, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Eddie Fisher after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 15, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Richard Burton after the couple have an affair while both being married to other people.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

June 26, 1974
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 10, 1975
– Elizabeth Taylor remarries Richard Burton after being divorced from him for a year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

wedding

“Homosexuals need not apply.”

July 29, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton again after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

December 4, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor marries John Warner, who later becomes a United States Senator.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

November 7, 1982
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces John Warner after 6 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 6, 1991
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Larry Fortensky, whom she met in the Betty Ford rehab centre.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

MeetMeQuote

“Can’t. Soz.”

October 31, 1996
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Larry Fortensky after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 22, 2000
– Kim Kardashian marries music producer Damon Thomas, at age 19.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 3, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Jason Alexander at a Las Vegas chapel.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

juliet

“Government says ‘No!'”

January 5, 2004
– Britney Spears annuls her marriage to Jason Alexander 55 hours after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Feburary, 2004
– Kim Kardashian divorces Damon Thomas after 4 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 17, 2004
– Massachusetts becomes the first of many US jurisdictions to license and recognise same-sex marriage. In a surprise twist, an Apocalypse does not suddenly destroy the earth.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

magic

“Not allowed: Illegal.”

September 18, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline, a dancer whom she met the same year as her annulment and became engaged to after knowing each other for 3 months, after he left his pregnant fiancee.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July, 2006
– A same-sex couple become the first to divorce in USA. Against all predictions, the sanctity of marriage is not completely ruined for everyone else.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July 30, 2007
– Britney Spears divorces Kevin Federline after 3 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

August 20, 2011
– Kim Kardashian marries Kris Humphries after dating for 1 year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

June 3, 2013
– Kim Kasdashian divorces Kris Humphries after filing divorce papers 72 days after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

love

“Fanx 4 dat.”

May 24, 2014
– Kim Kardashian marries Kanye West, having dating him while her second divorce was being finalised.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

*Just to clarify, the actress Elizabeth Taylor was a goddess, don’t get me wrong. But seriously Australia, get your shit together so I can marry someone as hot as her at least once. 

gay marriage

USA: 1 AUS: 0

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In Sickness and In Convenient Times

When a single person gets sick and nobody is around, it is fair for them to assume they will die alone and become the subject of newspaper headings containing phrases such as ‘found three days later’, ‘strange smell from next door’ and/or ‘lonely spinster’.

When a person in a relationship is faced with a sick partner, an equally unfair series of events unfold.

In theory:
Your partner will inevitably get sick from time to time. It is understood that when your significant other is sick they will expect some form of sympathy from you. This should be offered without hesitation.

In practice:
Your partner may get sick at times that are inconvenient to your plans, or claim sickness much more frequently than you had been made aware of in the initial stages of dating. Furthermore, your partner will inevitably at some point, exaggerate the duration of their sickness in order to get some additional attention. It is understood that no sympathy will be given to you, the healthier, kinder specimen, as you wait on them hand and foot during their apparent spout of headaches or mysterious cough which miraculously disappears during their favourite TV shows. You should know when to pick your battles without hesitation.

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Opposedly, should the situation reverse and you get sick, it is fair to forget the tedious tasks you were forced to endure in the name of sickness. You rightfully wont recall how you felt unappreciated making your beloved dinner night after night due to a blocked nose they felt several days earlier. Your health is the most important thing you have, so you should not risk injuring your back on top of everything else by going and getting a glass of water yourself. If they really loved you they would understand.

Note: This remains the case unless you or your partner cry ‘Period Pain’ which trumps everything and should be tended to with the utmost forms of sympathy and gifts.

Reasons Not To Fall In Love

Falling in love can be a magical, surreal experience, however there are some pitfalls about falling in love that no one will probably ever warn you about.

The downfalls of falling in love:

  • The Economic Crisis:
    Being in love is expensive. You may find yourself wanting to buy your beloved all sorts of things just to make them smile. Can you really afford to dote on someone when there are so many new high-tech gadgets you could buy for yourself? Why should someone else receive heart-felt gifts with all your hard-earned money just because they are an amazing person? After all, eating dinner alone is a much more cost effective way of living rather taking your significant other to a romantic restaurant. You do the maths.
  • Time Management:
    You probably already lead quite a busy life, right? You have places to go and things to do every day, maybe even deadlines to meet. Imagine if someone came into your life and suddenly you found yourself wanting to spend more and more time with them. You might suddenly find yourself rearranging your time to be with them, neglecting a few responsibilities to spend a bit longer with them. Remember that broken tile in the bathroom you were going to fix a few months ago? Of course you don’t. Love can be very time-consuming. Are you sure you can fit this amazing human being into your schedule? It may mean you have to cut down on some of your time spent trolling the internet. Is it really worth it?

  • The Invisibility Phenomenon:
    It’s all well and good that you’ve gone and fallen in love. But what good is that to all your single friends? You used to be so good at consoling them through their heartbreaks. Now your advice is completely useless, that is, if they even ask you at all anymore. They are right to assume that, as you are now loved by someone, you no longer have any recollection of what it is like to be single and the concept of loneliness no longer exists for you. Finding a companion was a selfish, unforgivable thing to do. Whose failed love-life can they now compare their own to when they want to feel better?
  • The Unknown:
    Falling in love with someone may mean you start to try new things that you have never done before. You may notice that your beloved insists on sharing their interests with you. Let’s say their interest, for example, is gardening; a hobby that you had previously never really thought much about. Do you really want to learn so much about a topic just because your beloved’s face lights up when they talk about it? If their passion really was that great wouldn’t you have already been interested in it before they came along? Don’t let them broaden your horizons and change you for the better.

  • Emotional Rollercoaster:
    One would hope that falling in love would be a peaceful, calm journey. Alas by falling in love you choose to forfeit your own ability to control your emotions. This one mere person now has the power to set your heart pounding into a frenzy with a soft, slow kiss; make you laugh uncontrollably to the point where you almost lose bladder control; make a simple, beautiful gesture which brings you to the point of almost shedding a tear out of sheer joy. You don’t need that kind of instability. That kind of erratic behaviour can’t be good for you.

Love: Don’t fall for it.

If you ever find that you have fallen in love with someone, please follow this advice: Inform an adult of your situation and plan a safe exit.
It’s for your own good.
Friends don’t let friends form meaningful relationships.