Do you enjoy handling mounds of shit? Have you ever thought that your most treasured possessions would look better if they were shredded to bits? Do you crave that feeling of being clawed at and bitten?
Perhaps you need professional help. Or maybe you would like to spend an equally large amount of money and take care of a puppy.
Pure Evil
Yes, they are cute. We can all agree on that. Those that deny it should also seek medical help. But they are diabolical geniuses; masterminds intent on exploiting every little slither of weakness in your plan to keep them well-behaved, safe and within the boundaries you have selected as their home ground. It’s a battle to be top dog in this dog eat dog world, and being an underdog will leave you dog-tired and doggone being treated like a dog. It’s ruff, etc, something about being bad to the bone, etc, etc.
Natural Born Killer
Suffice it to say, the fantasy of new lifestyle was imagined, a transaction took place, a puppy was bought and our dream of being calm, easy-going dog owners very quickly went out the window.
“There will be no mercy.”
ADVICE GIVEN TO DOG OWNER: If your dog bites you, simply ignore this behaviour.
REALITY: Ow. What the.. Oh my god. I’m bleeding. Move. Everyone, get out of my way. I’m bleeding. Oh God, she’s chasing me. She not done with me. Run!
ADVICE GIVEN TO DOG OWNER: If your dog has a toilet accident, do not show that you are mad at them.
REALITY: *Steps barefoot out of the shower into dog poo*
*Realisation*
*Pause*
*Silences anger*
*Eye twitches*
*Smoke begins to appear from ears*
*Blood vessel in forehead bursts*
*Sound of shower being turned on again*
Stone-cold bitch.
I would advise would-be dog owners to really think about what they are getting into:
- Are you sure you want to interact with something that is not and never will be a deadbeat human being?
- Are you prepared for an amazing companion that will love you 12-15 years?
- Are you certain you wouldn’t prefer the affection and attention that a goldfish can offer you?
You have been warned.
“I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.”
Adventures In Loserville 