Jobs You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Do

Ok, so a job is a job. I get it. We all need money. Trust me, I do understand – in fact, while we are on the topic, can I borrow a fiver? I’m good for it, I swear.

Anyway, let’s face it, some jobs are better than others. …And some jobs suck so bad that unemployment begins to seem like a step up in the world.

I have had a few jobs in my time; some good, some buried in my consciousness and deleted entirely from my resume`.

For the most part, being an adult and having to go to work is not the barrel of laughs and riches I envisioned when playing ‘mummies and daddies’ as a child. In fact, there are some jobs which I have now come to realise that you couldn’t pay me enough to do.

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Being a chef:

Learning amazing culinary skills only to spend your time sweating in front of stove with a millions orders being thrown at you and Gordon-Ramsay-style management going on around you sounds like a nightmare. A kitchen nightmare. From what I’ve heard most chefs end up feeding their kids two-minute noodles because they have spent too much of their time already cooking for other people. Sure you can cook great food, but its probably best to kept that secret to yourself and work in less stressful environment. Unless you enjoy working under pressure, in which case WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN LIST OF BAD JOBS.

Working in the fashion industry:

First all I would probably be sent home on day one anyway not only because I have cheap (read: terrible) fashion sense but because I would be rolling my eyes so frequently that it would appear I had contracted some sort of illness. And don’t get me started on female runway models because if I had to work as some sort of assistant to one of those aliens I would be living in absolute fear of being stepped on by their giant legs or accidentally breaking one of their rib bones as I brushed past them towards the catering cart.

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Cleaning:

Self-explanatory really. I barely clean my own messes up, so don’t expect me to start cleaning up yours. Any job toilet-related or containing the words “bodily fluids” and yep, you guessed it, that price just can’t go high enough.

Working for a fast-food chain:

Ok, so most of us have all been there or are currently trapped there; in that middle ground (Mordor) between student and “adulting”. To put it bluntly, on a good day you will most likely encounter incompetent management by ‘senior’ staff members who are neither your superior by age nor intellectual capacity.

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Working in retail:

Again, most of us have been here and some days that measly minimum wage just isn’t cutting it for what is (sometimes literally) thrown at you. Let’s just say, adequate training for this job should be to practise how to delicately navigate your way around the following scenario: “An irate customer hands you a product and says they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this moron customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy it from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this dimwit customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back.”

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Signs You Are An Anxious Person

  • You are always the one in the group who keeps repeating “So what’s the plan?”
  • You triple-check that you have your house keys: Once before you walk out the door. Again just after you have closed the door. And a third time later just as you decide you are ready to go back home.
  • You recognise someone you know in public and duck away quickly, worrying about how to approach the situation, if at all.
  • Unknown Caller IDs frighten you.
  • Out to dinner with friends you are not at all involved in the conversation as there are far too many choices on the menu to decide from.
  • You become stressed when someone asks “What are you doing tomorrow?” as you can’t be sure if they are going to suggest something awesome or awful to participate in.
  • Using Google Maps, you find out that you will need to leave at 9am to get to your destination on time. You estimate that if there is traffic you will actually need to leave at 8:30am. You set an alarm for 6am and leave at 6:15am.
  • You are never seen at work lunch breaks as you choose to hide in your car or an empty room / broom closet to avoid awkward interactions with colleagues.
  • You watch a show about a rare condition and later think about similar symptoms you have noticed.
  • At the doctors waiting room you regret being tested for a rare condition you recently found out about as there is a slight chance the results may prove you have it.
  • You can’t let yourself relax when using a bathroom at someone’s house that does not have a lock on the door.
  • When the boss is watching you completely fumble and look utterly hopeless at your job, but when they are away you seamlessly transition between tasks without faltering.1383525_1415503242011851_264356225_n
  • You panic when you have to leave a voice message on someones phone and / or you plan ahead what you will say if the machine picks up.
  • You want to host a party for your birthday but become completely overwhelmed with all the necessary things involved that you abandon the whole plan before anyone even knows about it.
  • You read this list and are anxious about that fact that you identify with most of it.