Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

red flagsRed Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

read flag 3

I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

red flag 2

Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

sneeze

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

hello

For others, help comes all too late.

10 Things My Girlfriend Does That Pisses Me Off

They say that honesty is the best policy in relationships. And honestly, my girlfriend is absolutely the most ridiculously annoying person I have ever met. However, one must learn to pick their battles when cohabitating with another individual, so in this case I have chosen to instead air my grievances here under the guise of a somewhat amusing blog post.

And so, I present to you, the Top 10 things my girlfriend does that I choose not to have arguments about but secretly drives me nuts.

1. Writing To Do Lists:
Ok, great. Good start. A list of things you need to get done. No worries. Not so bad, right? In theory, it’s a good way to get motivated. However, pratically speaking: GO AND DO THEM.
Actually do them. Do something on that list. Do at least one thing on that list.
I have found draft copies of to-do lists in the bin and then the same lists in greater detail floating around the house. If ‘Wash Clothes’ is on your first list, stop writing and wash your clothes.
And who puts ‘Write A To Do List’ on their to-do list?


2. Never Shutting Doors:
I know when my girlfriend has been in the kitchen because EVERY SINGLE CUPBOARD DOOR IS OPEN. Firstly, how many doors did you need to open to get a bowl, cereal, milk and a spoon? Like 4 places max. And secondly CLOSE THE DOORS.

3. Talking About Money:
“But how much will that cost?” – Yes, I get it. Everything is expensive and we only have a finite number of dollars, but honestly, a dinner, once, somewhere semi-decent instead of grocery shopping is not going to financially bankrupt us. Relax. “How much more is it for a large coffee?” – Probably like 50 cents or something, who cares? If you want a large, get a large.

4. Not Looking For Things:
“Have you seen my jacket?” – It is generally understood by most that you should have had at least some sort of attempt at locating things before asking where they are. Most likely your jacket is in the wardrobe. The wardrobe where it is kept. The same wardrobe where it was the last time you saw it. As a general rule, if your jacket is not on you, then the first place to look is the wardrobe. If it is not there or on the washing line, only then you may recruit me or someone else to help look for you, because otherwise my answer is probably going to be “Have you checked the wardrobe?”

BWKrUXMCAAA9lf2

5. Loyalty Cards:
My girlfriend owns a loyalty card for every single place she has been to even if she has no intention of buying anything from there ever again. Seriously, she has a whole wallet full of them. She must have been on some sort of high when she redeemed a free coffee once after having bought nine others previously. Apparently she thinks that by signing up and buying things she has come up with some sort of flawless scam for getting free shit.
“Sure I’ll give you my email address so you can send me annoying daily advertisements in exchange for 10% off a purchase six months from now, SUCKER.”

6. Talking About Her Own Health When I Am Sick:
Ok, this one sounds a bit selfish, but I don’t get sick often and when I do I expect some kind of help in my weakened state. Quite often though, I feel that any illness I have contracted just reminds my girlfriend about how she could also have contracted this too. It’s funny how when I tell her “My throat is really sore,” she will often respond with “Actually I think I might be losing my voice too,” after only hearing her wildly singing in the shower minutes earlier. (And to be honest after hearing it, one can only hope she really is losing her voice.) Me being sick seems to fire up some sort of competitive nature within her, or perhaps she doesn’t like being left out and wants some sympathy back. I expect that if I ever break my leg she will be more than willing to help by informing me that she, herself, hurt her knee earlier and it still hasn’t felt right since. Comforting.

7. Forgetfulness:
Ok, so this is a quality that many people have and it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Except that my girlfriend has a habit of being forgetful at very inopportune moments. It is usually after we have driven away from the house and are about to arrive somewhere like an airport, or a cinema, or at a surprise party, or at work or basically anywhere where a time-frame is important that she will suddenly burst out with the likes of “I think I left my hair straightener and possibly the stove on.”

8. Pretending To Cry:
I can tell the difference. I know when she is actually upset and when she just wants my attention or is trying to end a losing argument. It doesn’t help her case when she keeps looking up in between sniffles to see if I have noticed her display. Of course I will help because I am not a heartless beast, but nevertheless I will be annoyed and in return I will pretend to be comforting.

9. Her Fixation About Food Poisoning:
My girlfriend has a bizarre fear of food poisoning. Anytime either one of us has ever had a stomach ache she has been convinced it is from spoiled food and that things are going to be dire and possibly deadly from there. It only takes the slightest hint of a stomach gurgling for her to be in the fridge throwing out various foodstuffs that she has become convinced are hazardous because they have been in there untouched for two days straight. I have seen her throw out unexpired products in packaging that can’t be seen through because she is certain without any evidence that the contents have suddenly turned rotten.
Although to be fair, having tasted food she has prepared, her fear is probably not completely unreasonable.

10. Writing Blog Posts About Me:
Sometimes I come home to find she has written a very important draft about how lazy, obnoxious or unkind I have been that day. This rather rude shock would for most people be fair grounds for an argument, but in this case I have chosen to give her a taste of her own medicine.

However, if after reading this I am never heard from again, please assume that it was decided I had taken it too far and have been banned from the internet for life.
Send help plz

Being Single On Valentine’s Day

If you are single, you have undoubtedly been made well aware that Valentine’s Day is on it’s way again.
It seems these days you can’t walk into a store for your can of Soup-for-One without tripping over a mass of cute stuffed animals, love-heart-shaped cards, and all manner of cheesy, commerial, soppy shit that you desperately wish someone would buy for you.

valentines 2

Should you find yourself to be single during Valentine’s Day this year, it may help you to know that you are not alone. Well, I mean, you are, clearly, but there are many other dateless, sad losers just like you out there. Instead of wasting your time wishing that for even just this one day of the year, someone, anyone, would at least touch you with a ten-foot pole, why not forget about dying alone with some fun ideas like those listed below.

Things To Do When You Are Not Celebrating Valentine’s Day:

Know someone else who is much happier than you?
Why not put a letter in their mailbox pretending to be the ‘other woman’?
You might even want make it more authentic by throwing a cheap old ring or piece of jewellery in there.
Too far?
If a friend of yours has bragged to you about where they are taking their beloved for dinner reservations, simply ring up and make a cancellation.

Hear your neighbours having wild, romantic romp?
Try throwing a rock through their window and run for it. Give them something to really sream about.
Too far?
Change your Wi-Fi name and let them know that you have heard too much information eg. ‘John in Unit 2 has Erectile Dysfunction.’

Remembeing all your ex-lover’s who scorned you?
Get some closure by using an unregistered number to continually call them and hang up. Let them feel what it is like to have someone really screwing with them.
Too far?
Ring up and order pizzas and taxis to their house and ruin their night.
valentine

Your coupled-up friends will tell you that Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter, or perhaps even say that they don’t celebrate it, but you expect that if you tried to make plans with them for that day they will selfishly be spending time with their soul mate instead. Smug bastards.
Just try to remember that for most couples, Valentine’s Day consists of exchanging cards with personal messages written by someone at Hallmark, an evening at an over-priced, crowded restaurant, becoming bloated, trying to avoid having an argument, feeling tired, and going to sleep.
A sad night on the town? Please… You could pull that off on a bad day. Well, maybe not the ‘someone giving you a card’ part…