Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians

“But say, like, a guy came along and had everything you wanted in a woman… except he was a man, would you like, go there?”

“So how exactly does that work with two women?”

“Did you want to stay here and hang out with the guys while we go shopping?”

“Does it make you sad that you can’t have kids together? Like proper kids, that are both yours?”

“Who would you turn straight for?”

“How much money would you go straight for?”

“When did you decide to be gay?”

“I kinda get it because I see Angelina Jolie and I think ‘she’s really hot.’”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress.”

“I thought you were, but I didn’t want to say, in case you thought I was hitting on you.”

“What are you going to do if someone at work finds out?”

“Who’s going to wear the dress at the wedding?”

“Sorry I kissed you the other night, I was just drunk and wanted to know what it feels like.”

“Is that why you never wear make-up?”

“Can you just act a little less gay in front of my family?”

“What do you talk about when you’re with your gay friends?”

“Are you sure you’re a lesbian?”

“You’re a lesbian? But you’re so pretty!”

“Are you attracted to me?”

What People Think Lesbians Do

What My Friends Think I Do:

I spend my nights making-out with other women in nightclubs, getting the attention of all the men in the room. When a guy finally approaches my group of friends, I fist-pump him and talk about sports.

What Men Think I Do:

I wake up next to my best friend who I accidentally slept with last night. Naturally, we are both in lingerie and can’t keep our hands off each other. Luckily, we don’t need our memory as an aide for recalling what happened because it’s all recorded on camera.
And to think it all started with a pillow fight.

What Religious Groups Think I Do:

After brainwashing troubled teens down a path of homosexuality, I gather people en masse in a brazen attempt to destroy the sanctity of marriage.
Before winding down for the night with an adult movie, I burn the bible.

What My Mum Thinks I Do:

I throw on my ripped flannelette shirt, after downing a beer and head down to the tattoo parlour to meet my bikie friends. They will try to convince me to shave my gorgeous hair off.

What Society Thinks I Do:

I read my feminist novels at the local organic vegan café in preparation for the bra-burning festival I will be attending later that day.

What I Think I Do:

I go about my day as a sophisticated, modern woman; in control of my life and my decisions.

What I Actually Do:

Write this blog.