Being Single On Valentine’s Day

If you are single, you have undoubtedly been made well aware that Valentine’s Day is on it’s way again.
It seems these days you can’t walk into a store for your can of Soup-for-One without tripping over a mass of cute stuffed animals, love-heart-shaped cards, and all manner of cheesy, commerial, soppy shit that you desperately wish someone would buy for you.

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Should you find yourself to be single during Valentine’s Day this year, it may help you to know that you are not alone. Well, I mean, you are, clearly, but there are many other dateless, sad losers just like you out there. Instead of wasting your time wishing that for even just this one day of the year, someone, anyone, would at least touch you with a ten-foot pole, why not forget about dying alone with some fun ideas like those listed below.

Things To Do When You Are Not Celebrating Valentine’s Day:

Know someone else who is much happier than you?
Why not put a letter in their mailbox pretending to be the ‘other woman’?
You might even want make it more authentic by throwing a cheap old ring or piece of jewellery in there.
Too far?
If a friend of yours has bragged to you about where they are taking their beloved for dinner reservations, simply ring up and make a cancellation.

Hear your neighbours having wild, romantic romp?
Try throwing a rock through their window and run for it. Give them something to really sream about.
Too far?
Change your Wi-Fi name and let them know that you have heard too much information eg. ‘John in Unit 2 has Erectile Dysfunction.’

Remembeing all your ex-lover’s who scorned you?
Get some closure by using an unregistered number to continually call them and hang up. Let them feel what it is like to have someone really screwing with them.
Too far?
Ring up and order pizzas and taxis to their house and ruin their night.
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Your coupled-up friends will tell you that Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter, or perhaps even say that they don’t celebrate it, but you expect that if you tried to make plans with them for that day they will selfishly be spending time with their soul mate instead. Smug bastards.
Just try to remember that for most couples, Valentine’s Day consists of exchanging cards with personal messages written by someone at Hallmark, an evening at an over-priced, crowded restaurant, becoming bloated, trying to avoid having an argument, feeling tired, and going to sleep.
A sad night on the town? Please… You could pull that off on a bad day. Well, maybe not the ‘someone giving you a card’ part…

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How To Date Other Humans

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website.
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/10291/How-to-date-other-humans.htm

As there is not yet a HTML code for generating a compatible human partner, people in the so called (over-rated) ‘real world’ have to rely on a process called Dating in which to find someone they can annoy for the rest of their life.

The act of dating can be a scary, often disappointing experience, so it is important to have an idea of how one goes about dating correctly.
This guide has been put together to help assist you to not die alone.

Who To Pick:

It is important to look somewhat decent and like a functional, contributing person within society when meeting someone you may wish to continue seeing. In saying that, you too should expect that this person has also taken the time to get fully dressed before meeting you.

Many people do not look the way that instagram says they look. Instead of getting your expectations too high about how attractive they may be, try to focus rather on whether this person has all the features (2 eyes, 1 nose, etc) that are most desirable in a human. It is important to remain positive.

Where to Go:

First dates can be awkward and daunting, which is why I am glad I don’t have to go through them anymore. There are a few standard places recommended for those of you lagging about and still stuck in this stage of life.  These are listed here to help you decide the right one for you and some other person.

Movies – Seeing a movie together is a good choice if you wish to have little interaction and talking with this person. Having this person remain silent for a period of time may be something you will look back fondly over should your relationship progress.

Dinner – If you are not concerned about having food stuck between your teeth while talking than this option could be for you. It is customary that both of you should pretend that you can afford to pay for the entire dinner, before agreeing to each pay for half of the bill. If your night is not going too well, I recommend ordering the lobster and making an exit first before the bill arrives.

Bowling/Mini-Golf/Karaoke, etc – A good distraction to focus on as you will both be deciding whether the person you have come with is single because of their terrible inability or overt cockiness during this and / or other similar activities.

What To Do:

There is no specific goal related to dating, other than to have someone endure your company for a period of time. Your date may consist of simply talking or progress to levels of affection. You should not feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with. However, if you are comfortable with really weird, freaky shit, you should find out whether your present company is too before you get started.

You may or may not wish to plant a kiss on this person by the end of the date (Not applicable if you have ordered Lobster). Or you may feel that telling them you’ll look them up on Facebook, with no intention of doing so, is a more appropriate end to the night.

At the conclusion of a date you are expected to and should be prepared to give over any information, however private, about the proceedings to your friends. Friends, particularly others in couples, will not take no for an answer.

In Conclusion:

Just remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea, regrettably though, the majority of them are disgustingly inedible.

We hope this guide has successfully prepared you to start your journey towards settling for somebody.

Please note however, if you are reading this whilst wearing sandals with socks, you are unfortunately beyond our help and we would like to wish you and your several cats a long, happy life together.

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