10 Things My Girlfriend Does That Pisses Me Off

They say that honesty is the best policy in relationships. And honestly, my girlfriend is absolutely the most ridiculously annoying person I have ever met. However, one must learn to pick their battles when cohabitating with another individual, so in this case I have chosen to instead air my grievances here under the guise of a somewhat amusing blog post.

And so, I present to you, the Top 10 things my girlfriend does that I choose not to have arguments about but secretly drives me nuts.

1. Writing To Do Lists:
Ok, great. Good start. A list of things you need to get done. No worries. Not so bad, right? In theory, it’s a good way to get motivated. However, pratically speaking: GO AND DO THEM.
Actually do them. Do something on that list. Do at least one thing on that list.
I have found draft copies of to-do lists in the bin and then the same lists in greater detail floating around the house. If ‘Wash Clothes’ is on your first list, stop writing and wash your clothes.
And who puts ‘Write A To Do List’ on their to-do list?


2. Never Shutting Doors:
I know when my girlfriend has been in the kitchen because EVERY SINGLE CUPBOARD DOOR IS OPEN. Firstly, how many doors did you need to open to get a bowl, cereal, milk and a spoon? Like 4 places max. And secondly CLOSE THE DOORS.

3. Talking About Money:
“But how much will that cost?” – Yes, I get it. Everything is expensive and we only have a finite number of dollars, but honestly, a dinner, once, somewhere semi-decent instead of grocery shopping is not going to financially bankrupt us. Relax. “How much more is it for a large coffee?” – Probably like 50 cents or something, who cares? If you want a large, get a large.

4. Not Looking For Things:
“Have you seen my jacket?” – It is generally understood by most that you should have had at least some sort of attempt at locating things before asking where they are. Most likely your jacket is in the wardrobe. The wardrobe where it is kept. The same wardrobe where it was the last time you saw it. As a general rule, if your jacket is not on you, then the first place to look is the wardrobe. If it is not there or on the washing line, only then you may recruit me or someone else to help look for you, because otherwise my answer is probably going to be “Have you checked the wardrobe?”

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5. Loyalty Cards:
My girlfriend owns a loyalty card for every single place she has been to even if she has no intention of buying anything from there ever again. Seriously, she has a whole wallet full of them. She must have been on some sort of high when she redeemed a free coffee once after having bought nine others previously. Apparently she thinks that by signing up and buying things she has come up with some sort of flawless scam for getting free shit.
“Sure I’ll give you my email address so you can send me annoying daily advertisements in exchange for 10% off a purchase six months from now, SUCKER.”

6. Talking About Her Own Health When I Am Sick:
Ok, this one sounds a bit selfish, but I don’t get sick often and when I do I expect some kind of help in my weakened state. Quite often though, I feel that any illness I have contracted just reminds my girlfriend about how she could also have contracted this too. It’s funny how when I tell her “My throat is really sore,” she will often respond with “Actually I think I might be losing my voice too,” after only hearing her wildly singing in the shower minutes earlier. (And to be honest after hearing it, one can only hope she really is losing her voice.) Me being sick seems to fire up some sort of competitive nature within her, or perhaps she doesn’t like being left out and wants some sympathy back. I expect that if I ever break my leg she will be more than willing to help by informing me that she, herself, hurt her knee earlier and it still hasn’t felt right since. Comforting.

7. Forgetfulness:
Ok, so this is a quality that many people have and it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Except that my girlfriend has a habit of being forgetful at very inopportune moments. It is usually after we have driven away from the house and are about to arrive somewhere like an airport, or a cinema, or at a surprise party, or at work or basically anywhere where a time-frame is important that she will suddenly burst out with the likes of “I think I left my hair straightener and possibly the stove on.”

8. Pretending To Cry:
I can tell the difference. I know when she is actually upset and when she just wants my attention or is trying to end a losing argument. It doesn’t help her case when she keeps looking up in between sniffles to see if I have noticed her display. Of course I will help because I am not a heartless beast, but nevertheless I will be annoyed and in return I will pretend to be comforting.

9. Her Fixation About Food Poisoning:
My girlfriend has a bizarre fear of food poisoning. Anytime either one of us has ever had a stomach ache she has been convinced it is from spoiled food and that things are going to be dire and possibly deadly from there. It only takes the slightest hint of a stomach gurgling for her to be in the fridge throwing out various foodstuffs that she has become convinced are hazardous because they have been in there untouched for two days straight. I have seen her throw out unexpired products in packaging that can’t be seen through because she is certain without any evidence that the contents have suddenly turned rotten.
Although to be fair, having tasted food she has prepared, her fear is probably not completely unreasonable.

10. Writing Blog Posts About Me:
Sometimes I come home to find she has written a very important draft about how lazy, obnoxious or unkind I have been that day. This rather rude shock would for most people be fair grounds for an argument, but in this case I have chosen to give her a taste of her own medicine.

However, if after reading this I am never heard from again, please assume that it was decided I had taken it too far and have been banned from the internet for life.
Send help plz

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Things I Need To Remind My Partner Of Every Week

  • The bin gets collected on Wednesdays.

The bin was collected last Wednesday. The bin was collected every Wednesday before that. The bin will be collected this Wednesday. The bin has been collected every Wednesday. The bin needs to go out on Tuesday night because the bin gets collected on Wednesday.

  • The washing doesn’t do itself.

Putting clothes into the washing machine is not the final step in the process of having clean clothes. Some form of wetting and drying needs to take place before these clothes can be worn again. As automatic pegs do not yet exist at this stage, light manual work is required.

  • We don’t have a dishwasher.

Additionally, simply piling up dishes and using every clean utensil left does not guarantee that earlier used items will be ready for use again by the time you have completely cleared out the cupboard.

  • I am still poor.

Yes, I would love to go out with you for dinner again this week. Yes, I would love to go away on holiday somewhere at some point soon. No, I have not suddenly earned significantly more this week than I did last week. No, your apparent starvation is not what our emergency money is for.Adventures in loserville-18

  • We still cannot buy a dog.

Unfortunately, as our rental unit hasn’t suddenly grown itself a backyard, we will be unable to buy every puppy at the pet store. Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

  • I need down time.

What’s that? We finally have one night free together this week? Sure, invite a gaggle of friends around that I have to cook for, or plan a social event that I have to drive to. Better yet, don’t tell me until I get home ready to relax, then spring it on me that I should keep my shoes on because we are heading out to pick everyone up.

  • Making the bed is not the same as cleaning the house.

I don’t know how to explain this any clearer. It’s like putting a hat on a dog and calling it a person. No amount of smoothing out a quilt cover or stuffing clothes into a wardrobe will make the floors and benchtops any cleaner.

  • In keeping with this, if you come up with some sort of system in your wardrobe then you will not have to pull everything out to find something.

Perhaps before you ‘tidy up’ by forcing the door shut on your avalanche of clothes, maybe say to yourself: ‘Pants go here’, ‘Tops go there.’ It really is as hard as that.

  • The car needs petrol.

I appreciate you leaving just enough in the tank so that I break down just as I arrive at the petrol station, but I am not sure I get the same sort of thrill driving with the little petrol gauge light blinking as you must.

  • Please note: If I leave the house without my phone, there is a slight chance I will NOT die.

There may be times that I forget my phone, or worse, I choose to walk to the shop down the road without it. As this crisis occurs almost every week, please try to keep in mind that I still exist even when you cannot see me or talk to me. Please wait at least 20 mins before panicking about what to say to the local news channel who are no doubt working with the Police to find me.

Alternatively, if I have my phone with me and I do not contact you back straight away when you are trying to tell me important information about what kind of sandwich you are currently eating, this is not grounds to believe that I have left you and am not coming back.

  • And another thing, I still don’t like Olives or Mushrooms.

Continuing to suggest dinner ideas with olives or mushrooms in it does not increase my appetite for them. Sometimes people can care about each other but still like different things. There is nothing wrong with your ideas, I JUST DON’T LIKE OLIVES OR MUSHROOMS.

Conversing In Puns: Another Way To Annoy People (Part II)

Corny Puns…

“Herb you heard the news?”
“No, spill the beans. Dish.”
“We’re all going out to play Squash tomorrow. Spread the word.”
“I can’t plate.”
“Oh cardamon, ol’ chum! Wok’s wrong?”
“I’m not game. I’m chicken. I’ve never bean.”
“Look, olive oily in the morning and we’ll go down there and give it a grow.”
“No, there’s no thyme.”
“Yes there is, you mustard it to your list of things to do.”
“I don’t carrot ’bout it.”
“You’re making a mis-steak.”
“But I can’t serve.”
“Fork-get about that, you will learn spoon enough.”
“It’s knife of you to offer but it’s just not mint to be.”
“You’re nuts.”
“Orange you being a bit clove-minded?”
“You should just cumin try and seed how you like it.”
“O-kale try.”
“I knew you wouldn’t lettuce down. Well done.”
“I didn’t realise you would be so in-salted if I dill’d not water do it.”
“You know meat. It wood-fire me up if I had you there playing with me.”
“Guest I’m on your team then?”
“Jam right you are.”
“Sweet.”
“Soy what are you whey-tin’ for?”
“Cheese-us, mate. Can’t I have a moment of pea-ce?”
“I juice want to make sure you’re pre-pear’d.”
“It doesn’t look berry easy.”
“You’ll be grape at it.”
“Thanks, sugar.”
“Ooh, saucy.”
“…cheesy.”

Conversing In Puns: Another Way To Annoy People

We also have more puns here to feed your unhealthy appetite for annoying others: https://adventuresinloserville.wordpress.com/2014/09/12/food-for-thought-hot-cross-puns/

You have toad read this. It’s unbearably punny.
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“This weather is toad-ally oppressive.”
“It’s gonna overheat my car; will have to get it toad.”
“You’ll find the tow truck right down the toad.”
“Frog-get about it. Legs just move on.”
“Frog’s wrong with you?”
“I’ve got toad get away.”
“Warts wrong?”
“This car breaking down is a toad of crap.”
“Toad you so.”
“It just hasn’t toad the line.”
“I cane only imagine.”
“Hey sugar, cane we throw a toad-ga party sometime?”
“Sounds good. You better hop to organising it then.”
“Actually I’m toads not into that, take that idea and ribbit up.”
“That’s pretty saddening. On a scale of 1-10, I think that party would have been pretty fly.”
“Lily bit, yeah.”
“The plans are a bit too amphib-uous for me to figure out.”
“You’re right, they are a bit froggy.”
“Well perhaps we should toadst in the New Year another way?”
“I’d be swamped trying to fit everyone in my lil’ pad anyway.”
“That’s a load of bullfrog.”
“Well sugar, that’s a very cane-did thing of you to say.”
“Wet of it? Get frogged!”
“You’re croaking under the pressure!”
“Yeah, I guess that was cold. A bit frogs-ty.”
“Ouch. My heart… it’s developing frogstbite.”
“Cane Toad-ally see why.”
“I might have to leg it out of here.”
“I newt you wood croak first. Before you bounce, just wanted to know wet land your ancestors are from? Is it true you’re a tad Polish?”
“Greenland, actually. Trees, don’t bring it up in future.”
“Toad-che`. I’m green with envy.”
“Farewell, I hope I’ve bes-toad you with some quality entertainment.”
“Toad-let humour.”

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“This blog is bearly funny.”
“I can’t bear it.”
“Seems we are losing our comedic bearings.”
“We should think of bear-ter puns.”
“There’s a good pawsibilitly we can’t pawsibly come up with better ones.”
“I might cave and write some bad ones.”
“Hopefully they wont be beary bad or I might go bearzerk.”
“There’s a good polar-sibility of that.”
“I’ll be pre-beared for that.”
“Of claws you will.”
“Cub it out.”
“Snow way.”
“Ice can’t stand this.”
“Honey-stly, we should just give up.”
“It’s you; you’re the bear-d influence.”

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