If My Résumé Reflected My Real Life

According to all the unread emails in my inbox, falsely enhancing what you have can give off a much better impression and generate lots of interest.
My résumé has been a prime example of this.

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They say the odd ‘white lie’ doesn’t hurt anybody, but it seems my CV (Contrived Version) has now become a snowballing list of tweaked truths. I use the term ‘truths’ because there is a certain level of truth hidden in there. Somewhere.

  • Yes, I went to a school.
    No, I am not going to put its real name because it is in a suburb usually following the phrase “The low socio-economic area of…”
    Why don’t we all agree I went to Affluent Sydney Girls College for the Smart, Rich and Beautiful? And hell, let’s just say I was school president or whatever and that I given an award as the ‘least desperately unemployable graduate’ or something because if I’ve now gotten myself in this deep anyway.

 

  • Yes, I have had some form of job.
    No, I will not tell you exactly what I did in that job. I will tell you the kind of tasks you are expecting me to do in this next job. I mean, does the person whose job is to “stand on the corner waving to cars whilst dressed as a pizza slice” write that on their résumé? Do they?
    And if you are looking for someone to do a task that I know I definitely can’t do I will say I have only completed this task “under supervision” or “under instruction”, which means I will expect you to give me full supervision and exact instructions on how the hell to do this task once I’m employed.

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It’s a wonder how I would even manage to fill a complete page if my résumé actually reflected my real life.
I believe if I ever was to hand over a brutally honest version of my current skills and strengths it may look a little more like this:

 

Strengths:

  • I work extremely well when I know my boss is watching.
  • I once ate a family-sized pizza by myself in a single sitting.
  • I am never late on days when I know the people who might dob me in are there.
  • Very neatly presented when I cover my coffee stains with a sweater.
  • Able to appear to be busy, tired and stressed even when avoiding duties.
  • I can do 2.5 complete rotations on a swivel chair with one push.

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Skills:

  • I am particularly skilled at stretching out my lunch break to the absolute maximum time possible.
  • Fluent in Solitaire and Tetris.
  • Have gotten “pretending to laugh at the boss’ jokes” down to a fine art.
  • Typing speed of 100+ words / minute if accuracy is not a concern.
  • Compatible with Safari and Google on iPhone systems; willing to learn how to not ‘right-click’ on Mac desktop systems.
  • Ability to check Facebook whilst performing other tasks.
  • Read something somewhere relating to OH&S stuff.

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Interests:

  • Getting paid.
  • Anything outside of work.

 

Everybody seeking my services, please form an orderly queue.

Jobs You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Do

Ok, so a job is a job. I get it. We all need money. Trust me, I do understand – in fact, while we are on the topic, can I borrow a fiver? I’m good for it, I swear.

Anyway, let’s face it, some jobs are better than others. …And some jobs suck so bad that unemployment begins to seem like a step up in the world.

I have had a few jobs in my time; some good, some buried in my consciousness and deleted entirely from my resume`.

For the most part, being an adult and having to go to work is not the barrel of laughs and riches I envisioned when playing ‘mummies and daddies’ as a child. In fact, there are some jobs which I have now come to realise that you couldn’t pay me enough to do.

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Being a chef:

Learning amazing culinary skills only to spend your time sweating in front of stove with a millions orders being thrown at you and Gordon-Ramsay-style management going on around you sounds like a nightmare. A kitchen nightmare. From what I’ve heard most chefs end up feeding their kids two-minute noodles because they have spent too much of their time already cooking for other people. Sure you can cook great food, but its probably best to kept that secret to yourself and work in less stressful environment. Unless you enjoy working under pressure, in which case WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN LIST OF BAD JOBS.

Working in the fashion industry:

First all I would probably be sent home on day one anyway not only because I have cheap (read: terrible) fashion sense but because I would be rolling my eyes so frequently that it would appear I had contracted some sort of illness. And don’t get me started on female runway models because if I had to work as some sort of assistant to one of those aliens I would be living in absolute fear of being stepped on by their giant legs or accidentally breaking one of their rib bones as I brushed past them towards the catering cart.

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Cleaning:

Self-explanatory really. I barely clean my own messes up, so don’t expect me to start cleaning up yours. Any job toilet-related or containing the words “bodily fluids” and yep, you guessed it, that price just can’t go high enough.

Working for a fast-food chain:

Ok, so most of us have all been there or are currently trapped there; in that middle ground (Mordor) between student and “adulting”. To put it bluntly, on a good day you will most likely encounter incompetent management by ‘senior’ staff members who are neither your superior by age nor intellectual capacity.

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Working in retail:

Again, most of us have been here and some days that measly minimum wage just isn’t cutting it for what is (sometimes literally) thrown at you. Let’s just say, adequate training for this job should be to practise how to delicately navigate your way around the following scenario: “An irate customer hands you a product and says they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this moron customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy it from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this dimwit customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back.”

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Job Seeking And Destroying

Looking for a job is a job in itself. Albeit a very badly paid job, but then that is not unlike most jobs that I feel most qualified for. And by qualified, I of course mean I have absolutely no experience in this field or am even sure I understand the title of the role.

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If anyone is looking for someone to write thesaurus-like resumes that make a person seem not only more useful but generally more interesting or likable than they are, then I am actually the right person for the job. However if you need me to type using more than two fingers, do more than one task at a time or clean anybody’s anything, then I am only willing to pretend do these things in an interview setting.

Would you like me to also forward you a cover letter basically stating that I created Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint? Because I have multiple copies just waiting to be read under a pile of dust on my desk.

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What’s that? A group interview? Yes, of course I would love to waste my time forming with others into small groups of ten and role-playing situations that do not resemble real life.

I give it about five minutes before I guess who is actually going to be the one person out of the hundred of us who gets the job. It’s always that slightly annoying girl who brings a book of notes with her. I always bring some food with me instead because you never know how long they will drag these things out for. Who is the real genius in this situation, I ask you?

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Do I have experience with customer service? Do I ever! That’s why I have been hating customers with a passion for years now.

What do you mean you regret to inform me that my application has been unsuccessful? Your print ad was poorly typed and used comic sans for christ sake. How high can your standards be? In my opinion, your own application to appear like a legitimate business that pays at least minimum wage has been very unsuccessful.

I am a team player who can work individually; someone who can supervise, manage and also follow directions from others; a creative type with an analytical mind; a person able to make sentences that incorporate two opposite things and therefore sounds suitable for any and every crappy position you have on offer. I literally can do it all – provided I don’t actually have to ‘do’ anything. I guess all I am looking for is someone to basically pay me to do nothing. Is that really too much to ask?


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And another thing, on your online ‘Job Suitability Questionnaire’ why isn’t there a ‘Need Money’ option in the multiple choice? That would pretty much sum up my answer for ‘Why do you want to work for us?’ ‘What prompted you to apply for this position’, ‘Tell us about yourself’, etc. And can I ask who writes these stupid questions? Because I could easily do that. How do I get that job?