How to Move House Efficiently and Effortlessly

Moving house can be an overwhelming task; it is time consuming and quickly becomes evident that you have way too much crap and not enough brain capacity or physical space to deal with it all. With this in mind, we have created a guide on how to move house without the added burden of actually getting your shit organised. Just by following these simple steps you can cut down on the clutter and move into your new place with ease.

Moving House 101:

  • This is not the time to get sentimental, old school books and childhood toys belong in the bin along with any other remnants of broken dreams.
  • Realise that you only wear maybe four entirely different outfits and that the rest come under the ‘only suitable as sleepwear’ category. If you wouldn’t be caught dead outside wearing it then let someone at the charity store decide if they will be.
  • Forget about how much money new furniture will cost and assume you will somehow acquire vast new amounts of money in your new house. Become the local hero and have the charity shop come and pick up all your furniture for donation. You will probably be back within days to buy it back at an inflated cost, but if the delivery fee is less than the moving van would have cost then you, my friend, are a genius.

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  • Question whether you really need to bring those board games to the new house. You know, the ones you intend to play with your supposed friends during a weekly games night that has so far been a mere fantasy in your life?
  • Give away every glass item you have to avoid having to wrap anything with care.
  • Books you have no intention of ever finishing or reading again can graciously find there way next the fifteen copies of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in the charity shop.

  • Say adios to that novelty sombrero you have hanging up. There are enough photos on Facebook for everyone to remember how carefree and fun you are. We get it, you were the life of the party that one night.
  • Your plastic Christmas tree has seen better days. Let it die in dignity on your front lawn, awaiting a better life as landfill via the council garbage truck. It’s what baby Jesus would have wanted.
  • If you are unsure of an item, put it in a garbage bag, then let it get lost in the mess and eventually throw it out by mistake.
  • Get brutal with every cup, fork, spoon, pen, piece of paper, DVD, pair of sunglasses, light bulb, spare battery and every single other bit of anything that you ever had the idiocy to drag into the house. Tell yourself that everything minuscule, insignificant thing that is anywhere inside this house needs to be found, touched, sorted and moved somewhere else. Knowing this usually builds enough stress to make you chuck out anything regardless of value. Cull it like its hot.

If My Résumé Reflected My Real Life

According to all the unread emails in my inbox, falsely enhancing what you have can give off a much better impression and generate lots of interest.
My résumé has been a prime example of this.

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They say the odd ‘white lie’ doesn’t hurt anybody, but it seems my CV (Contrived Version) has now become a snowballing list of tweaked truths. I use the term ‘truths’ because there is a certain level of truth hidden in there. Somewhere.

  • Yes, I went to a school.
    No, I am not going to put its real name because it is in a suburb usually following the phrase “The low socio-economic area of…”
    Why don’t we all agree I went to Affluent Sydney Girls College for the Smart, Rich and Beautiful? And hell, let’s just say I was school president or whatever and that I given an award as the ‘least desperately unemployable graduate’ or something because if I’ve now gotten myself in this deep anyway.

 

  • Yes, I have had some form of job.
    No, I will not tell you exactly what I did in that job. I will tell you the kind of tasks you are expecting me to do in this next job. I mean, does the person whose job is to “stand on the corner waving to cars whilst dressed as a pizza slice” write that on their résumé? Do they?
    And if you are looking for someone to do a task that I know I definitely can’t do I will say I have only completed this task “under supervision” or “under instruction”, which means I will expect you to give me full supervision and exact instructions on how the hell to do this task once I’m employed.

people skills

It’s a wonder how I would even manage to fill a complete page if my résumé actually reflected my real life.
I believe if I ever was to hand over a brutally honest version of my current skills and strengths it may look a little more like this:

 

Strengths:

  • I work extremely well when I know my boss is watching.
  • I once ate a family-sized pizza by myself in a single sitting.
  • I am never late on days when I know the people who might dob me in are there.
  • Very neatly presented when I cover my coffee stains with a sweater.
  • Able to appear to be busy, tired and stressed even when avoiding duties.
  • I can do 2.5 complete rotations on a swivel chair with one push.

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Skills:

  • I am particularly skilled at stretching out my lunch break to the absolute maximum time possible.
  • Fluent in Solitaire and Tetris.
  • Have gotten “pretending to laugh at the boss’ jokes” down to a fine art.
  • Typing speed of 100+ words / minute if accuracy is not a concern.
  • Compatible with Safari and Google on iPhone systems; willing to learn how to not ‘right-click’ on Mac desktop systems.
  • Ability to check Facebook whilst performing other tasks.
  • Read something somewhere relating to OH&S stuff.

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Interests:

  • Getting paid.
  • Anything outside of work.

 

Everybody seeking my services, please form an orderly queue.

Good Grammar or Die

Now I’m not a snob nor am I perfect, most of the time, but when it comes to spelling and grammar, if you wish to communicate with me I expect you to be on your A-game.

Sure, there are some errors I may be able to bring myself to overlook, especially if you are good-looking, but there are other cases where I will simply will not show any mercy.

grammar

I have listed here a general guide for anyone wishing to interact with me which can also be applied to anyone whose Facebook status updates, due to friendship, I am forced to endure.

Rule 1:
“His so cute.”
= No.

Rule 2:
“I went their to use there pool.”
= No. No, you did not.

Rule 3:
“I should of said.”
= No, you should not have.

Rule 4:
“Definately.”
= No.

Rule 5:
“Your so right.”
= So wrong.

Rule 6:
“Its hot in here.”
= ’tisn’t

Rule 7:
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Rule 8:
“It was to short.”
= ‘fraid not.

Rule 9:
“Me and my friends went.”
= Nope.

Rule 10:

“I’m taller then you.”
= What?

Rule 11:
“I seen him.”
= Nope.

Rule 12:
“I already done that.”
= Not even close.

Rule 13: 
“I want to loose weight.”
= How?

Rule 14:
“Whose going to the party?”
= Is he?

Rule 11:
“I didnt no were yous where.”
= Kill me now.