How to Move House Efficiently and Effortlessly

Moving house can be an overwhelming task; it is time consuming and quickly becomes evident that you have way too much crap and not enough brain capacity or physical space to deal with it all. With this in mind, we have created a guide on how to move house without the added burden of actually getting your shit organised. Just by following these simple steps you can cut down on the clutter and move into your new place with ease.

Moving House 101:

  • This is not the time to get sentimental, old school books and childhood toys belong in the bin along with any other remnants of broken dreams.
  • Realise that you only wear maybe four entirely different outfits and that the rest come under the ‘only suitable as sleepwear’ category. If you wouldn’t be caught dead outside wearing it then let someone at the charity store decide if they will be.
  • Forget about how much money new furniture will cost and assume you will somehow acquire vast new amounts of money in your new house. Become the local hero and have the charity shop come and pick up all your furniture for donation. You will probably be back within days to buy it back at an inflated cost, but if the delivery fee is less than the moving van would have cost then you, my friend, are a genius.

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  • Question whether you really need to bring those board games to the new house. You know, the ones you intend to play with your supposed friends during a weekly games night that has so far been a mere fantasy in your life?
  • Give away every glass item you have to avoid having to wrap anything with care.
  • Books you have no intention of ever finishing or reading again can graciously find there way next the fifteen copies of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in the charity shop.

  • Say adios to that novelty sombrero you have hanging up. There are enough photos on Facebook for everyone to remember how carefree and fun you are. We get it, you were the life of the party that one night.
  • Your plastic Christmas tree has seen better days. Let it die in dignity on your front lawn, awaiting a better life as landfill via the council garbage truck. It’s what baby Jesus would have wanted.
  • If you are unsure of an item, put it in a garbage bag, then let it get lost in the mess and eventually throw it out by mistake.
  • Get brutal with every cup, fork, spoon, pen, piece of paper, DVD, pair of sunglasses, light bulb, spare battery and every single other bit of anything that you ever had the idiocy to drag into the house. Tell yourself that everything minuscule, insignificant thing that is anywhere inside this house needs to be found, touched, sorted and moved somewhere else. Knowing this usually builds enough stress to make you chuck out anything regardless of value. Cull it like its hot.

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If My Résumé Reflected My Real Life

According to all the unread emails in my inbox, falsely enhancing what you have can give off a much better impression and generate lots of interest.
My résumé has been a prime example of this.

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They say the odd ‘white lie’ doesn’t hurt anybody, but it seems my CV (Contrived Version) has now become a snowballing list of tweaked truths. I use the term ‘truths’ because there is a certain level of truth hidden in there. Somewhere.

  • Yes, I went to a school.
    No, I am not going to put its real name because it is in a suburb usually following the phrase “The low socio-economic area of…”
    Why don’t we all agree I went to Affluent Sydney Girls College for the Smart, Rich and Beautiful? And hell, let’s just say I was school president or whatever and that I given an award as the ‘least desperately unemployable graduate’ or something because if I’ve now gotten myself in this deep anyway.

 

  • Yes, I have had some form of job.
    No, I will not tell you exactly what I did in that job. I will tell you the kind of tasks you are expecting me to do in this next job. I mean, does the person whose job is to “stand on the corner waving to cars whilst dressed as a pizza slice” write that on their résumé? Do they?
    And if you are looking for someone to do a task that I know I definitely can’t do I will say I have only completed this task “under supervision” or “under instruction”, which means I will expect you to give me full supervision and exact instructions on how the hell to do this task once I’m employed.

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It’s a wonder how I would even manage to fill a complete page if my résumé actually reflected my real life.
I believe if I ever was to hand over a brutally honest version of my current skills and strengths it may look a little more like this:

 

Strengths:

  • I work extremely well when I know my boss is watching.
  • I once ate a family-sized pizza by myself in a single sitting.
  • I am never late on days when I know the people who might dob me in are there.
  • Very neatly presented when I cover my coffee stains with a sweater.
  • Able to appear to be busy, tired and stressed even when avoiding duties.
  • I can do 2.5 complete rotations on a swivel chair with one push.

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Skills:

  • I am particularly skilled at stretching out my lunch break to the absolute maximum time possible.
  • Fluent in Solitaire and Tetris.
  • Have gotten “pretending to laugh at the boss’ jokes” down to a fine art.
  • Typing speed of 100+ words / minute if accuracy is not a concern.
  • Compatible with Safari and Google on iPhone systems; willing to learn how to not ‘right-click’ on Mac desktop systems.
  • Ability to check Facebook whilst performing other tasks.
  • Read something somewhere relating to OH&S stuff.

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Interests:

  • Getting paid.
  • Anything outside of work.

 

Everybody seeking my services, please form an orderly queue.

Good Grammar or Die

Now I’m not a snob nor am I perfect, most of the time, but when it comes to spelling and grammar, if you wish to communicate with me I expect you to be on your A-game.

Sure, there are some errors I may be able to bring myself to overlook, especially if you are good-looking, but there are other cases where I will simply will not show any mercy.

grammar

I have listed here a general guide for anyone wishing to interact with me which can also be applied to anyone whose Facebook status updates, due to friendship, I am forced to endure.

Rule 1:
“His so cute.”
= No.

Rule 2:
“I went their to use there pool.”
= No. No, you did not.

Rule 3:
“I should of said.”
= No, you should not have.

Rule 4:
“Definately.”
= No.

Rule 5:
“Your so right.”
= So wrong.

Rule 6:
“Its hot in here.”
= ’tisn’t

Rule 7:
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Rule 8:
“It was to short.”
= ‘fraid not.

Rule 9:
“Me and my friends went.”
= Nope.

Rule 10:

“I’m taller then you.”
= What?

Rule 11:
“I seen him.”
= Nope.

Rule 12:
“I already done that.”
= Not even close.

Rule 13: 
“I want to loose weight.”
= How?

Rule 14:
“Whose going to the party?”
= Is he?

Rule 11:
“I didnt no were yous where.”
= Kill me now.


Jobs You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Do

Ok, so a job is a job. I get it. We all need money. Trust me, I do understand – in fact, while we are on the topic, can I borrow a fiver? I’m good for it, I swear.

Anyway, let’s face it, some jobs are better than others. …And some jobs suck so bad that unemployment begins to seem like a step up in the world.

I have had a few jobs in my time; some good, some buried in my consciousness and deleted entirely from my resume`.

For the most part, being an adult and having to go to work is not the barrel of laughs and riches I envisioned when playing ‘mummies and daddies’ as a child. In fact, there are some jobs which I have now come to realise that you couldn’t pay me enough to do.

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Being a chef:

Learning amazing culinary skills only to spend your time sweating in front of stove with a millions orders being thrown at you and Gordon-Ramsay-style management going on around you sounds like a nightmare. A kitchen nightmare. From what I’ve heard most chefs end up feeding their kids two-minute noodles because they have spent too much of their time already cooking for other people. Sure you can cook great food, but its probably best to kept that secret to yourself and work in less stressful environment. Unless you enjoy working under pressure, in which case WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN LIST OF BAD JOBS.

Working in the fashion industry:

First all I would probably be sent home on day one anyway not only because I have cheap (read: terrible) fashion sense but because I would be rolling my eyes so frequently that it would appear I had contracted some sort of illness. And don’t get me started on female runway models because if I had to work as some sort of assistant to one of those aliens I would be living in absolute fear of being stepped on by their giant legs or accidentally breaking one of their rib bones as I brushed past them towards the catering cart.

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Cleaning:

Self-explanatory really. I barely clean my own messes up, so don’t expect me to start cleaning up yours. Any job toilet-related or containing the words “bodily fluids” and yep, you guessed it, that price just can’t go high enough.

Working for a fast-food chain:

Ok, so most of us have all been there or are currently trapped there; in that middle ground (Mordor) between student and “adulting”. To put it bluntly, on a good day you will most likely encounter incompetent management by ‘senior’ staff members who are neither your superior by age nor intellectual capacity.

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Working in retail:

Again, most of us have been here and some days that measly minimum wage just isn’t cutting it for what is (sometimes literally) thrown at you. Let’s just say, adequate training for this job should be to practise how to delicately navigate your way around the following scenario: “An irate customer hands you a product and says they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this moron customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy it from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this dimwit customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back.”

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A Guide To Survival In Australia

Australians are a tough people. They have to be. They live alongside some of the deadliest animals on the planet and are pretty much trapped inside the country unless they can afford a plane ticket or a cruise and they also play tennis and cricket in 42° Celsius heat (eqv. to 1 million° Fahrenheit) .
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Australia is a land of extremes. Meaning you have to be extremely careful. It’s national emblem contains a boxing kangaroo and a bird that is so large in size that it can’t even fly (not to be confused with that other Australian flightless bird that can kill a person using it’s foot).

If you, like many other convicts, have decided to take a trip down under, take care.
There are a vast array of ways to die in Australia to suit all tourists, but if you wish to return home, please use the following guide to keep you safe.

How To Stay Alive:

  1. Don’t go in the water
    Apart from the friendly Great White Shark, a plethora of marine life is just waiting for you to dive in.  This includes the highly venomous Irukandji Jellyfish, which thankfully is about the size of a human fingernail making it more than easy to spot in moving water.aus 5
  2. Don’t trust anyone
    Hitchhiking has been a favourite pastime for many unsuspecting statistics. A good idea is to look at a map of Australia before you get here and realise that the country is really f*#king big.
    Travelling from Sydney to Ayres Rock, Uluru? No worries, just start the car and drive for two days straight non-stop.
    It is a good idea to try not to look like a tourist as this will avoid the annoyance of being targeted by would-be madmen.  Tourists are often identified by wearing large backpacks, calling Melbourne ‘mel-BORN’ (as oppsed to MEL-bun) and saying things like “Let’s visit Canberra.”
    Possibly the safest option for getting around is your choice of any of the feral camels in the outback. Don’t worry, they don’t spit their saliva all over you, instead it’s just semi-digested stomach contents.aus 3
  3. Don’t walk inside and around buildings
    If you decide at any point to take your shoes off before entering a house and consequently leave them unattended, assume that they are now home to a typical deadly spider like the Redback (again about the size of a human fingernail, so quite easy to detect deep inside a shoe). And don’t worry, other deadly spiders like Funnel-Webs are usually only found in obscure places like Sydney, The Blue Mountains and other highly-populated areas and their bite is only dangerous towards mammals such as primates and human beings.aus 6
  4. Don’t walk outside
    Venomous snakes are fortunately only found in tropical areas, inland areas, coastal areas, and every state and territory in Australia.aus 1
  5. Understand the language
    Koala are not bears at all and so should not be referred to as such, instead they are marsupials rife with chlamydia which they like to spread to tourists by urinating on them.
    And lastly: If someone tells you to wear thongs, for God’s sake, do not turn up in a G-string.

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Australia: Whatever doesn’t kill you, probably doesn’t live here.

Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

red flagsRed Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

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I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

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Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

sneeze

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

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For others, help comes all too late.

Getting Ready For Christmas: A Realistic Guide

Being prepared for Christmas is important. Unfortunately, for most of us, Christmas is something we are never really prepared for. It sneaks up on us. One day we are out minding our own business in the shops when BAM! A Christmas carol blasts over the speakers. The next thing you know you turn around and see a stand for Egg Nog casually displayed as if we all know exactly what Nog is. Just when we were ready to whip out our thongs and sunnies and relax, we realise that we have so much to do. Oh, if only Christmas would just fall on the same date each year, then we would be ready.

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Using this guide, you can ensure that when Christmas looms you can be just as ready as the next person. That is, being under-prepared, throwing shit together at the last minute, remembering why you don’t visit your family more often and desperately needing of a holiday at the end of it all.

Just follow these simple steps and you will survive Christmas. Barely.

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Step 1.

Buy enough Christmas cards to accommodate for all of your family, friends and distant relatives. This will make you feel like you are ‘on top of it all’. Feel free to disregard the fact that you don’t know the addresses of most of these people. You probably wont get around to sending them anyway and they will be placed in the ‘For Next Christmas’ pile at the back of your storage cupboard, along with remnants of old wrapping paper. At best you may wish to set a reminder on your phone to send Facebook messages to your relatives and friends closer to the date. This can be ignored at your leisure whilst feeling like you are organised. It will most likely go off when you are completely stress and don’t have any time.

Step 2.

Attempt to do some early Christmas shopping to beat the rush. This method helps you to ration out your spending and be more thorough with your gift choices. However, you will soon realise that you were not the only one to have this idea. Fighting for a parking spot is a Christmas tradition so get into the spirit early by stalking other shoppers in your car as they make their way back to their vehicle. Or, if you prefer simply idle in your car inconveniently in the middle of the lane whilst you wait for someone to leave. You are sure to hear some Christmas cheer from fellow drivers.

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Step 3.

The nicest thing about buying a real Christmas tree is the scent of pine throughout the house as the pine needles scatter their way into every corner and become embedded in the carpet. It also encourages extra vacuuming which keeps everybody happy.
Old plastic trees also create a sense of fun as everybody searches for the all-important missing parts for the stand.

Step 4.

Decorating the house with lights is as simple as plugging in the power in the garage and turning on the old lights you didn’t bother taking down last year. Otherwise get out that old ladder and tempt fate as you reach out across the guttering with a $10 bucket of fairy lights.

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Step 5.

Stepping out to attempt to buy presents again without a list may lead you to becoming that creepy person asking young sales assistants “Do young girls like these?” Best to just write down which gift cards that are most likely to not throw away. If they are under 25, just buy gift cards for those i-pod-whati-its and move on. If they are over 25, throw in some socks and a book of some sort to make it look like it has that personal touch. If anyone has stated ‘Don’t bring a thing’ to their Christmas party, give them exactly what they asked for. It will save you time and money, and just imagine the surprise on their face when they see you have obediently turned up empty-handed.

Step 6.

If you convinced yourself you would be able to host the family Christmas lunch, get ready early by going to the ham raffles at the local bowls club. Winning a hamper or a leg of ham could be the only helpful thing you receive this Christmas. Otherwise, start buying frozen shit that looks fancy that you can thaw out the day before. Be sure to buy some sprigs of various herbs or berries or whatever and garnish it like you mean it.

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Step 7.

Christmas crackers are a great way to share a bad joke amongst the family and also to create further mess around your home. But through all the excitement you mustn’t forget to remember the reason you have all come together. Take a quiet moment during your feast to celebrate the birth of baby Santa or whatever.

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Step 8.

When it is all over boxing day is a time when everyone comes together to return unwanted gifts at the shops. If you are lucky, you may be able to make some money back. But if you are like most people, you will just have a pile of chocolates surrounding you and only one delicious way to get rid of them all.

Step 9.

Nominate and encourage someone else to host the family Christmas lunch next year. If you are successful in persuading someone you can guarantee that next year, you will be able to have the best Christmas ever.

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Step 10. 

Batteries and additional step not included.