How to Move House Efficiently and Effortlessly

Moving house can be an overwhelming task; it is time consuming and quickly becomes evident that you have way too much crap and not enough brain capacity or physical space to deal with it all. With this in mind, we have created a guide on how to move house without the added burden of actually getting your shit organised. Just by following these simple steps you can cut down on the clutter and move into your new place with ease.

Moving House 101:

  • This is not the time to get sentimental, old school books and childhood toys belong in the bin along with any other remnants of broken dreams.
  • Realise that you only wear maybe four entirely different outfits and that the rest come under the ‘only suitable as sleepwear’ category. If you wouldn’t be caught dead outside wearing it then let someone at the charity store decide if they will be.
  • Forget about how much money new furniture will cost and assume you will somehow acquire vast new amounts of money in your new house. Become the local hero and have the charity shop come and pick up all your furniture for donation. You will probably be back within days to buy it back at an inflated cost, but if the delivery fee is less than the moving van would have cost then you, my friend, are a genius.

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  • Question whether you really need to bring those board games to the new house. You know, the ones you intend to play with your supposed friends during a weekly games night that has so far been a mere fantasy in your life?
  • Give away every glass item you have to avoid having to wrap anything with care.
  • Books you have no intention of ever finishing or reading again can graciously find there way next the fifteen copies of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in the charity shop.

  • Say adios to that novelty sombrero you have hanging up. There are enough photos on Facebook for everyone to remember how carefree and fun you are. We get it, you were the life of the party that one night.
  • Your plastic Christmas tree has seen better days. Let it die in dignity on your front lawn, awaiting a better life as landfill via the council garbage truck. It’s what baby Jesus would have wanted.
  • If you are unsure of an item, put it in a garbage bag, then let it get lost in the mess and eventually throw it out by mistake.
  • Get brutal with every cup, fork, spoon, pen, piece of paper, DVD, pair of sunglasses, light bulb, spare battery and every single other bit of anything that you ever had the idiocy to drag into the house. Tell yourself that everything minuscule, insignificant thing that is anywhere inside this house needs to be found, touched, sorted and moved somewhere else. Knowing this usually builds enough stress to make you chuck out anything regardless of value. Cull it like its hot.

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Deciphering Real Estate Bullshit

Moving house can be the best, and very quickly, the worse decision one can make.

In the 15 minutes you get to inspect a house (and subsequently decide whether you want to live in it) you may come to find that things are not exactly how you envisioned them to be.
Sometimes, just sometimes, real estate companies may used terms that make a property seem slightly better than they are.

1950s-housewife

Susan loved the fact that her new place had no dishwasher.

Having visited many uninhabitable hot properties, it seems only fair to share the wisdom we have gained thus far. Here are a list of terms and their actual meaning:

COSY:
Comfortably fits 0.5 people.
Will suit single child or tenant with no intention to furnish.

CHARMING:
Charmingly out-dated interior design.
Possibly the previous resident was elderly and died there.

OLDER-STYLE:
Leaky roof.
No internet connection available.

GREAT LOCATION:
Nothing of interest within the house.

NEWLY RENOVATED:
Bathroom has stainless steel taps instead of white plastic ones.

CLOSE TO SHOPS:
A Post Office and Petrol Station nearby.

CLOSE TO SCHOOL:
Noisy.

CLOSE TO BEACH:
Expensive.

CLOSE TO PUBLIC TRANSPORT:
People hanging out at the bus stop at your front door.

PETS UPON APPLICATION:
Goldfish and/or small bird allowed.

WILL SUIT STUDENT:
Not suitable for adults.
Repairs not attended to.

PARTLY FURNISHED:
Contains poor-taste furniture too bulky to remove.

OPEN PLAN LIVING:
No privacy within the house.

MODERN STUDIO:
Has more than one power outlet.

NEAT:
Walls painted by a professional.

SMALL BACKYARD:
Strip of grass behind house.

COURTYARD AREA:
Has a back door leading out to the back fence.

OFF-STREET PARKING:
No parking.

SHARED LAUNDRY:
Shed with a washing machine out the back somewhere.

PARTIAL VIEW OF OCEAN:
Majority view of another building.

COMBINED DINING / LOUNGE AREA:
Pick one only.

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