Things I Need To Remind My Partner Of Every Week

  • The bin gets collected on Wednesdays.

The bin was collected last Wednesday. The bin was collected every Wednesday before that. The bin will be collected this Wednesday. The bin has been collected every Wednesday. The bin needs to go out on Tuesday night because the bin gets collected on Wednesday.

  • The washing doesn’t do itself.

Putting clothes into the washing machine is not the final step in the process of having clean clothes. Some form of wetting and drying needs to take place before these clothes can be worn again. As automatic pegs do not yet exist at this stage, light manual work is required.

  • We don’t have a dishwasher.

Additionally, simply piling up dishes and using every clean utensil left does not guarantee that earlier used items will be ready for use again by the time you have completely cleared out the cupboard.

  • I am still poor.

Yes, I would love to go out with you for dinner again this week. Yes, I would love to go away on holiday somewhere at some point soon. No, I have not suddenly earned significantly more this week than I did last week. No, your apparent starvation is not what our emergency money is for.Adventures in loserville-18

  • We still cannot buy a dog.

Unfortunately, as our rental unit hasn’t suddenly grown itself a backyard, we will be unable to buy every puppy at the pet store. Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

  • I need down time.

What’s that? We finally have one night free together this week? Sure, invite a gaggle of friends around that I have to cook for, or plan a social event that I have to drive to. Better yet, don’t tell me until I get home ready to relax, then spring it on me that I should keep my shoes on because we are heading out to pick everyone up.

  • Making the bed is not the same as cleaning the house.

I don’t know how to explain this any clearer. It’s like putting a hat on a dog and calling it a person. No amount of smoothing out a quilt cover or stuffing clothes into a wardrobe will make the floors and benchtops any cleaner.

  • In keeping with this, if you come up with some sort of system in your wardrobe then you will not have to pull everything out to find something.

Perhaps before you ‘tidy up’ by forcing the door shut on your avalanche of clothes, maybe say to yourself: ‘Pants go here’, ‘Tops go there.’ It really is as hard as that.

  • The car needs petrol.

I appreciate you leaving just enough in the tank so that I break down just as I arrive at the petrol station, but I am not sure I get the same sort of thrill driving with the little petrol gauge light blinking as you must.

  • Please note: If I leave the house without my phone, there is a slight chance I will NOT die.

There may be times that I forget my phone, or worse, I choose to walk to the shop down the road without it. As this crisis occurs almost every week, please try to keep in mind that I still exist even when you cannot see me or talk to me. Please wait at least 20 mins before panicking about what to say to the local news channel who are no doubt working with the Police to find me.

Alternatively, if I have my phone with me and I do not contact you back straight away when you are trying to tell me important information about what kind of sandwich you are currently eating, this is not grounds to believe that I have left you and am not coming back.

  • And another thing, I still don’t like Olives or Mushrooms.

Continuing to suggest dinner ideas with olives or mushrooms in it does not increase my appetite for them. Sometimes people can care about each other but still like different things. There is nothing wrong with your ideas, I JUST DON’T LIKE OLIVES OR MUSHROOMS.

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In Sickness and In Convenient Times

When a single person gets sick and nobody is around, it is fair for them to assume they will die alone and become the subject of newspaper headings containing phrases such as ‘found three days later’, ‘strange smell from next door’ and/or ‘lonely spinster’.

When a person in a relationship is faced with a sick partner, an equally unfair series of events unfold.

In theory:
Your partner will inevitably get sick from time to time. It is understood that when your significant other is sick they will expect some form of sympathy from you. This should be offered without hesitation.

In practice:
Your partner may get sick at times that are inconvenient to your plans, or claim sickness much more frequently than you had been made aware of in the initial stages of dating. Furthermore, your partner will inevitably at some point, exaggerate the duration of their sickness in order to get some additional attention. It is understood that no sympathy will be given to you, the healthier, kinder specimen, as you wait on them hand and foot during their apparent spout of headaches or mysterious cough which miraculously disappears during their favourite TV shows. You should know when to pick your battles without hesitation.

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Opposedly, should the situation reverse and you get sick, it is fair to forget the tedious tasks you were forced to endure in the name of sickness. You rightfully wont recall how you felt unappreciated making your beloved dinner night after night due to a blocked nose they felt several days earlier. Your health is the most important thing you have, so you should not risk injuring your back on top of everything else by going and getting a glass of water yourself. If they really loved you they would understand.

Note: This remains the case unless you or your partner cry ‘Period Pain’ which trumps everything and should be tended to with the utmost forms of sympathy and gifts.

How To Date Other Humans

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website.
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/10291/How-to-date-other-humans.htm

As there is not yet a HTML code for generating a compatible human partner, people in the so called (over-rated) ‘real world’ have to rely on a process called Dating in which to find someone they can annoy for the rest of their life.

The act of dating can be a scary, often disappointing experience, so it is important to have an idea of how one goes about dating correctly.
This guide has been put together to help assist you to not die alone.

Who To Pick:

It is important to look somewhat decent and like a functional, contributing person within society when meeting someone you may wish to continue seeing. In saying that, you too should expect that this person has also taken the time to get fully dressed before meeting you.

Many people do not look the way that instagram says they look. Instead of getting your expectations too high about how attractive they may be, try to focus rather on whether this person has all the features (2 eyes, 1 nose, etc) that are most desirable in a human. It is important to remain positive.

Where to Go:

First dates can be awkward and daunting, which is why I am glad I don’t have to go through them anymore. There are a few standard places recommended for those of you lagging about and still stuck in this stage of life.  These are listed here to help you decide the right one for you and some other person.

Movies – Seeing a movie together is a good choice if you wish to have little interaction and talking with this person. Having this person remain silent for a period of time may be something you will look back fondly over should your relationship progress.

Dinner – If you are not concerned about having food stuck between your teeth while talking than this option could be for you. It is customary that both of you should pretend that you can afford to pay for the entire dinner, before agreeing to each pay for half of the bill. If your night is not going too well, I recommend ordering the lobster and making an exit first before the bill arrives.

Bowling/Mini-Golf/Karaoke, etc – A good distraction to focus on as you will both be deciding whether the person you have come with is single because of their terrible inability or overt cockiness during this and / or other similar activities.

What To Do:

There is no specific goal related to dating, other than to have someone endure your company for a period of time. Your date may consist of simply talking or progress to levels of affection. You should not feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with. However, if you are comfortable with really weird, freaky shit, you should find out whether your present company is too before you get started.

You may or may not wish to plant a kiss on this person by the end of the date (Not applicable if you have ordered Lobster). Or you may feel that telling them you’ll look them up on Facebook, with no intention of doing so, is a more appropriate end to the night.

At the conclusion of a date you are expected to and should be prepared to give over any information, however private, about the proceedings to your friends. Friends, particularly others in couples, will not take no for an answer.

In Conclusion:

Just remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea, regrettably though, the majority of them are disgustingly inedible.

We hope this guide has successfully prepared you to start your journey towards settling for somebody.

Please note however, if you are reading this whilst wearing sandals with socks, you are unfortunately beyond our help and we would like to wish you and your several cats a long, happy life together.

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What I’ve Learnt From Being In A Relationship

What You Wear Is No Longer A Personal Choice

When you are single:
Picking an outfit for the day is a practical task which falls under a simple formula: What is clean?

As a couple:
Your choice in clothing each day comes under the ever-increasing catergory of ‘mutual decisions’. Cleanliness is but one element taken into account, but additional thought processes include: Is it a breach of my own moral dignity to be standing next to this person?

Down Time No Longer Exists

When you are single:
After finishing a long, hard day at work there is nothing better than relaxing and sitting back knowing there is nowhere you need to be and nothing you need to do. Ah, bliss.

As a couple:
After finishing a long, hard day of work you will arrive home to find that in your absence plans have been made for an impromptu dinner party. Peaceful silence has been replaced with a squeal of “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” the moment you walk in the door. Red-faced and flustered, you can only hope that your response of “Yes honey, I will get the bathroom spotless in 5 minutes”, will be enough for her.

Items Of Any Value Will Inevitably Go Missing

When you are single:
When placing any piece of personal property down on a surface, you can expect to find it in this exact location when you next return.

As a couple:
When placing any piece of personal property down on a surface, you do so with knowledge of the risk that it may be used and, if lucky, returned to a surface in a similar location at a point in the furture. Futhermore, if your partner has vocalised any distain toward this piece of personal property – do not expect to see it ever again.

Expenses Are Doubled

When you are single:
Hard-earned money is spent on personal things that are generally necessary to your own survival and wellbeing.

As a couple:
It is understood that you will always foot half of the bill for everything. That $50 conditioner you recently bought together? Your view that you will never use it, and therefore shouldn’t pay, has been taken into consideration and thoroughly ignored.

Normal Conversations Are A Distant Memory

When you are single:
A conversation between yourself and another person is often a delightful exchange of ideas on a single topic. Both participants share their thoughts and feelings in a to and fro manner, which fosters an overall enjoyable experience.

As a couple:
A conversation between yourself and your partner often consists of each person talking about a seperate topic with little to no regard about whether the other is listening. Eventually, when one does stop to listen to the other, the resulting exchange of words is “What was it that you had to talk to me about again?”

Meals Are Not Made According To Your Preferences

When you are single:
When hungry, you casually browse the foodstuffs you have in your household and consume as much or little as desired until satisfied.

As a couple:
When your partner is hungry, they will suggest a specific meal that they are craving. You will then help to purchase and / or prepare a dish which is portioned out to you within the restrictions of latest low-carb / high-protein / low-fat diet until they are satisfied.

Being Correct Is Not The Same As Being Right

When you are single:
You are always right.

As a couple:
She is always right.

The Sad Diaries Of A Single Girl

I crossed the line between being single and being desperate somewhere in my twenties.

I guess it can be traced back to the point when I began using my free time to Google ‘quotes about loneliness’.

See here some an excerpt from my life when I was a single lesbian living alone, (dignity not included):

So I asked a woman out on a date not being sure whether it is a date or not. (And also not being sure if she is straight or not.) I avoided using the term ‘hanging out’ when I asked (via text I might add, because I don’t have the balls) thinking that it would somehow make my intentions clearer. Clearly not.

I’m yet to even figure out what I would define as a date. I guess it is whether I like the person enough and if we are alone together and have planned it thusly. So far so good.

Don’t even ask me how I managed to ask this person to spend any amount of time with me voluntarily. I’m still not sure whether I have misjudged our fleeting eye contact and several passing greetings as something more than exactly that. I do have a tendency to mistake good customer service as a come-on. But she agreed to meet me; that’s the important thing.

My grasp of flirting consists mainly of smiling in a goofy fashion at all times in her presence. The description ‘not all there’ comes to mind when I lose sleep reliving these moments, thinking of things much wittier than what I said. God help any women out there who have shown any slight or accidental affection towards me.

In true nerdy form I have been getting my expectations up for something that has probably barely crossed her mind. Yes, I have tried on the clothes I will be wearing when I see her even though that won’t be for three days. I have even, in a painful display of optimism, changed my bed sheets. Not that I have any idea how to get a woman within three-hundred metres of my boudoir. And even if I got her there, I’m not confident I would know what to do. In fact, my actual reasoning that I have prepared my bed is just in case she has too much to drink and needs somewhere to sleep while I curl up in the corner under a throw rug. It’s my version of modern romance.

That right, ladies, get ready for a wild ride, because when it comes to lovers, I like to start with a first course of bumbling, awkward interactions followed by a progressive friendship of about two to three years. That’s how I roll, bitches.