Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

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The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

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If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.

Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

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The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*

Top 10 Reasons For Being Late To Work

1. Attempting to leave at very delicately timed latest possible minute.

2. Choosing an outfit for unrelated event happening outside of work hours.

3. Waking up to an alarm and in a sleepy daze not being able to remember what it had been set for.

4. Some form of breakfast disaster, including spillage, overcooking (burning), running out of an item or completely over-doing portion size to the point of illness.

5. Not being told about daylight savings time change by several forms of media.

6. Bad hair day.

7. Contemplating giving up all connections with outside world due to bad weather.

8. Phone out of battery – making last minute attempt to charge to at least 3% before leaving.

9. Spider found in house – sole purpose in life now to use all energy to make sure it can be seen at all times until it either leaves the house or dies.

10. Went on the internet.

Recollections Of Our First Date

Version 1: Once upon a time…

Having spent hours cleaning my house, it was now sufficiently ready for female company.

Let me give you the grand tour:

At the doorway I planted a simple but loving welcome message on a post-it. Just to brighten her day.

I made a point to make my living area look particularly spacious by rearranging some furniture. I wanted her to be as comfortable as possible.

To set the mood, I had some incense burning in a small corner of the front room.

Emphasising my domestic flair, I had displayed a wonderful selection of  the finest condiments from my pantry.

I was sure she would be impressed by the blossoming greenery of the large communal backyard.

To the left, was the bedroom where I anticipated most of the night’s activities would take place…

After courting and wooing her via text message, she was finally here.

Version 2: Happily never after…

Having spent hours rummaging through my wardrobe, I was now ready for the company of one lucky female.

Let me give you the grand tour:

Upon entering, I immediately stepped on something sticky.

I looked around at the hallway. Evidenty this was the living / dining / lounge room. I use the term ‘lounge’ loosely as it encompasses the single-mattress-on-the-floor-with-a-cushion-against-the-wall combination that seemed to be the primary form of seating and the main table of the household.

It was clear she made no attempt to set a romantic mood. I caught a wafting smell in the house and assumed something had died there recently. Possibly the previous occupant.

I walked two steps to the kitchen area, or rather, the corner which included a semi-functioning oven and a salvaged bookshelf-turned-pantry consisting mainly of chicken salt seasoning sachets.

I looked out the window, only to see a sad tuft of weeds and a crooked clothesline.

To the left was the bedroom. (Clearly the least active room in the house.)

After numerous, harassing text messages, I had finally agreed to come here.

Shit My Girlfriend And I Argue About

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website:
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/10115/10-things-my-girlfriend-and-I-argue-about.htm

Over the course of our relationship, several things have come to my attention:

1) That my girlfriend still insists that she is 172cm tall when our measuring tape says she isn’t, and;

2) that often the stupidest of topics create the longest of arguments.

I have compiled a list of the top 10 arguments we have had thus far.

It’s important to note that nothing can ever be too insignificant to fight over.

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1. Buying a pet:

My girlfriend had the bright (read: impulsive) idea of buying a pet to satisfy her motherly instincts. This doesn’t quite work, considering the fact we a) live in a rental property and b) are yet to prove that we can afford to feed and house ourselves. After many heated, lengthy discussions regarding this, we negotiated down (“way down,” she scoffs) to the possibility of a rabbit, as this would require the lowest level of maintenance and was roughly the size of a small dog.

To test the waters, I arranged an in-house trial to see how she would fare with an actual rabbit (rather than the utopian illusion of one.) We decided to bunny-sit a friend’s rabbit. It went a little something like this:

Day 1: Turns out rabbits shit. A lot.

I know this because not only did I have to constantly clean it up, but as I did, I was met with yells of “that stinks, clean it up!”

Day 2: “I feel sick, I think I’m allergic to rabbits”

Day 3: “When are we supposed to be giving this back?”

2 weeks later (note: rabbit was returned after day 3): “Maybe we should try and babysit the rabbit again…”

2. Baked Beans

I bought a bulk supply of baked beans knowing that they last for ages, and that we were going to most likely use them at some point. They were dramatically discounted because they were Australia day themed, and Australia day had long passed. I would like to point out here that other than the packaging, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE BEANS.

She disagrees, and makes a special effort to buy a new can of baked beans every time we shop. Holding up the can of beans with a hopeful look in her eyes, she says “can we?”
No, wait… that was a dream. She just puts it straight in the trolley. It’s not even like she is buying a different flavour of beans, in fact, they are exactly the same (same company and brand), less the festive holiday packaging.

If there were a can of baked beans for every time we argued about it… it’d be Australia day all over again.

3. Naming of pets we haven’t yet bought

The discussion began lightly with small banter about what children’s names we do and don’t like, but then progressed to a fierce and dramatic debate over possible pet names. After mutually deciding that “Greg,” “Sharon” and other human names weren’t feasible possibilities, it seemed as though we were taking steps forward in our partnership.

Then she said it.

“Tinkerbell.”

4. Hypothetical questions

I’m a big fan of hypothetical questions. I think they encourage deeper thought and an open style of conversation that is hard to sustain with regular small talk. Thus far, my girlfriend has shat on every single hypothetical question I have ever asked her, completely refusing to answer them or destroying them with her “logic.”

Exhibit A:

“Okay, imagine this… ”
“No.”

“So there’s a boatload of people… you don’t know them, they could be anyone… criminals, maniacs… like proper maniacs, but you don’t know… and in the room… no wait, on another boat there’s a small child, but you can only save one boat from sinking… who do you save and why?”

“When is this ever going to happen? Honestly?”

“It’s hypothetical!”

“Yeah, but come on… it’s stupid because I’m supposed to save the child, right? But honestly, I don’t care about any of these people cause they’re not real.”
“But what if they were?”
…*silence*

5. Dish-washing

It’s too stupid. I don’t even know why it is even on this list. We all know how to wash dishes, right? Well, apparently not. My girlfriend never learnt. It’s not that she doesn’t do it, it’s just that she has the most inefficient, poor excuse of a method that I have ever seen. I mean… they do end up clean, but do you really have to squirt dish-washing liquid on every plate, cup, bowl, knife and fork before you call it a day?

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6. Beauty appliances left on bathroom sink counter

We share a bathroom, I use the term ‘sharing’ loosely because I’m yet to see the counter top. This isn’t surprising as I get about 30 straight seconds in there every day. I don’t have a problem with using the counter top space when you are actually occupying the bathroom, but I find myself having to move a blow-dryer, straightener and some brown liquid in a bottle just to wash my hands. Thankfully I have been allocated one drawer and one shelf in the medicine cabinet where I can put my things away.

God forbid it should take up some space on the her counter top.

7. Getting up for breakfast

This seems to be a recurring argument. Every morning.

She fails to respect the fact that I consider breakfast to be a time of day that is made for sharing, because when I try and (gracefully, might I add) wake her in the morning, her only response is that she wants “to sleep.”

I’ve tried to ween her onto this ludicrous idea of a communal breakfast by actually bringing her breakfast in bed. She seems to have no recollection of this, instead choosing to remember (and I quote): “That? That morning you shoved a plate of food in my face?”

I once ate breakfast alone. Apparently she didn’t like that either because the banging of pots and slamming of the microwave door woke her up. Impossible.

8. Using the washing machine for one set of clothes

Much like her dish-washing technique, my girlfriend thinks that washing machines should be filled one outfit at a time. As I wait with my basket of dirty laundry, I helplessly watch her load the washing machine with one t-shirt and a bra. 76 minutes later, I’m asked to help her put the washing out.

After finally awaiting my turn to use the machine, I arrive to find that she has used to last of the laundry liquid.

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9. Board shorts

It’s not that she’s not allowed to wear them, it’s that she shouldn’t.

She considers them equal to pants, like some would consider a port-a-loo equal to a toilet.

To make it clear, I don’t have a problem with shorts. Only board shorts.

I can do denim, I can even do potato sack. But board. Oh god, not board shorts.

10. Which arguments deserved a spot in this list.

.