Why Cafe Culture Is More Fun In Theory

Lately there has been a rise in ‘hipster’ culture which is basically a term for cashed-up hobos or people who use words like ‘dapper’ and have ironic moustaches. With this, we have seen a particular style of cafe culture gaining popularity. It has brought with it a unique blend of mismatched furniture, chalkboard art, jam jars sans jam and various other ‘kitsch’ things we never knew we enjoyed. Apart from it’s charming trend of being splendidly expensive, there are aspects of this movement that are not as fun as they appear. These have been listed below and are entirely gluten-free for your convenience.

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Chopping Board Plates
Whilst having that authentic, “straight from the herb garden and into the kitchen” look, it makes for difficult eating. It just takes one over-eager push of the knife to send the entire contents off the abrupt edge of the chopping board. #classy

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Good luck with that

Jars To Eat And Drink From
Because apparently bowls and cups are just not effective enough. The idea to recycle (or ‘up-cycle’ as it is referred to for no real reason by the non-plebs), as obviously every bowl and cup would ordinarily be thrown out after a single use. #organic

Tastes as good as it looks

Tastes as good as it looks

An Assortment of Pre-Loved Furniture
Often referred to as rustic as opposed to cost-effective, these cafes have an array of stools, school desks, barrels and limp bean bags for you to park your buns. Take your pick quickly or your coffee date will choose the least uncomfortable option first. #style

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Small ‘Niche’ Spaces
These cafes are often set up literally within a niche and so to enter you must fight your way through a gauntlet of prams and women with yoga pants and over-sized sunglasses. #fitspo

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Seemingly Gourmet Menus
The menu received at one of these cafes generally will contain more flowery words than a botanist guide. What other way could you describe succulent leg ham carved off the bone, layered between slices of rich, melted colby all served on toasted sourdough with olive oil butter? #hamandcheesetoastie

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I’ll take it!

It seems however, that hipster cafes have decided to stay with one thing after all often incorporated into traditional coffee establishments, that is of course the tip jar.

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A Strongly-Worded Open Letter: Arnott’s Scotch Fingers

Dear Mr and / or Mrs Arnott,

It is with deep, choc-coated sadness that I regret to inform you of my dissatisfaction with one of your delicious, possibly wholesome biscuit snacks. I refer here to one of your self-appointed ‘favourites’, notably, the classic Scotch Finger. (Fig 1.)
I will ignore that fact that you are clearly sending jobs overseas by promoting Scottish goods instead of introducing an Australia Finger, and instead focus your attention to the dilemma which rests within the engineering of the product itself.

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Fig 1, in case you forgot what your own product looks like.

You see, given the design of the Scotch finger, we have been misled into believing that this product can be shared and eaten in finger-sized portions. The dented middle-line teases us with a sense of wonderment as if to ensure us that yes, we can break this directly down the middle, every time.

WRONG.

I conducted a full packet of research to support my theory that this breakage line is a fallacy and the result? Only two of my biscuits successfully broke apart into separate fingers. And this was only possible after I had developed a technique, formulated throughout the experience, which involved forceful wrist movements and a set of pliers.

I put it to to you sir, or madam, that you have created a faulty product that, despite appearances, fails to deliver. Just imagine the collective embarrassment that little old ladies are facing daily across the nation as they hand over to their guests biscuit samples that look like this:

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Fig 2. Warning: Image may be disturbing to some viewers.

I don’t often go out of my way to make complaints to companies more than once a week, but on this instance I simply could not stay silent. Like a Scotch Finger being pulled apart with both hands, I have reached my breaking point.

If I see no action has been taken in the future, I will be left with no choice but to bis-cott your products.
Please rectify this problem as soon as possible or I will left with only my own finger to dunk into my tea and you will have a lawsuit on your hands.

Although, given that you are now well over the ripe old age of 150 years at this point, I will forgive if there is a slight delay in your response. However, with the obvious urgency of this matter, I would like to see to it that this issue is prioritised at your next meeting.

Please unite to divide the Scotch Finger correctly.

Remember: There is no substitute for quality. scotch 3

 

Yours sincerely,

Tim Tam.

 

Diets: You’re Doing It Wrong

The two biggest fears a person can face are dying and dieting.
As most of us often avoid dying on a daily basis, it is usually the concept of dieting that people struggle with.
New diets have been put in place for those people who have an intolerance to balanced eating and / or exercise.

If for whatever reason, you find that you need to go on a diet, this guide may or may not help you to know how to best approach a number of diets.

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Staples of the The Hipster Diet often include overpriced avocados, poached eggs, and drinking out of jam jars.

DIET: Lemon detox
Find the least enjoyable, most sour fruit available, add some spice and then pretend it has the nutritional value of all other fruits, vegetables and meats combined.

DIET: Atkins
Tell yourself you can have bacon and eggs for breakfast every morning but then realise you are also being told to avoid nasty carbohydrates such as fruit. A recipe for success.

DIET: Paleo
Ignore modern technology and discover why no one wants to invite you out to dinner anymore.

DIET: Juice detox
Blend vegetables and fruits together until they become an undrinkable brown concoction. Repeat until you miss solid foods.

DIET: Gluten free
Pay three times as much for a loaf of bread that is half the size and twice as dense.
Unfortunately this diet involves giving up all the best foods around, including but not limited to play dough.

DIET: Raw foods
An excellent choice if you can’t be bothered cooking. Handful of nuts for dinner, anyone?

DIET: Subway diet
Continue to eat at an established food chain every day. Repeat until you have lost a significant amount of weight and gained a national sponsorship deal.

DIET: 5:2 Diet
Eat like a normal person five days a week, and cry on two non-consecutive days every week.

Bon appétit!

Getting Unfit and Staying Unfit

The best time to start any new change is tomorrow; it’s close enough that you can feel inspired about it, without having to actually do something today.

How I Keep Unfit:

Sometimes I flick through a fitness magazine or see a TV ad for a smoothie maker and suddenly decide I am going to change my life and become incredibly fit (read: hot).

I usually kick-start my fitness plan by spending a whole day at the shops looking to buy the perfect pair of new running shoes. When I eventually arrive home, often without shoes at all, I am completely exhausted and lay about on the couch.

If I do decide to go for a jog the next day, conditions must be perfect. After all, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable; the biggest part of a healthy lifestyle is self-esteem and feeling good about what you are doing. I would love to run, but unfortunately there is simply no way I can should any wind, rain, excessive sunshine, spectators or judgmental dogs be around. If all is clear I will need to have something suitable to wear, although as I currently hate my entire wardrobe, a day at the shops for a workout outfit may be necessary.

Watching 'Bridget Jones' Diary' can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself.

Watching ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself. (See also: The Biggest Loser)

My diet starts off with good intentions. I troll through Instagram looking at healthy menu ideas for dinner whilst munching on an unsatisfying celery stalk and then downing a Diet Coke to make sure my tastebuds still work. Buying plenty of whole, raw foods makes me feel like I’m already a full-blown yoga instructor. I make a point to look down upon those in the frozen food aisle so as to motivate them to change to the healthy, organic lifestyle that I have decided I am adopting this week. My fridge becomes stocked with foods I am yet to Google how to prepare or cook and others I will discover I don’t like the taste of.

The day after this, if I haven’t forgotten entirely about my health plan, I usually decide I should dedicate a set time each day to exercise.

Starting tomorrow.

In the early morning my alarm goes off and I decide that early mornings will not be that time.
Later in the afternoon I conclude that sometime before dinner would be a good time to workout as it will get my appetite going. Granted, there is a TV show I simply must watch first because we all need some guilty pleasures, no matter how small, however I decide I will get started after the episode finishes.

A quick check of Facebook naturally follows. As expected, there is nothing much on my news feed of any particular interest. One would think I could pull myself away, but yet the sun begins to set outside while I aimlessly flick through things and look at what other people liked.

As it is now dinner time I must first take in my fuel before any exercise happens. A funny smell is lingering and I find a wilted bunch of ‘some-organic-plant-I-have-forgotten-how-to-pronounce’ squashed behind my emergency chocolate milk. The texture of whatever superfood I had bought and subsequently killed is so slimy and gross I deem the situation a state of emergency.

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Fig 1. How to sexually arouse a female

I decide I need to go back to the shops to get actual edible food and a new magazine for a visionboard collage that I will never get around to making, and thus, I end my intensive week of hardcore fitness, health and inner wellbeing.

#winning

Conversing In Puns: Another Way To Annoy People (Part II)

Corny Puns…

“Herb you heard the news?”
“No, spill the beans. Dish.”
“We’re all going out to play Squash tomorrow. Spread the word.”
“I can’t plate.”
“Oh cardamon, ol’ chum! Wok’s wrong?”
“I’m not game. I’m chicken. I’ve never bean.”
“Look, olive oily in the morning and we’ll go down there and give it a grow.”
“No, there’s no thyme.”
“Yes there is, you mustard it to your list of things to do.”
“I don’t carrot ’bout it.”
“You’re making a mis-steak.”
“But I can’t serve.”
“Fork-get about that, you will learn spoon enough.”
“It’s knife of you to offer but it’s just not mint to be.”
“You’re nuts.”
“Orange you being a bit clove-minded?”
“You should just cumin try and seed how you like it.”
“O-kale try.”
“I knew you wouldn’t lettuce down. Well done.”
“I didn’t realise you would be so in-salted if I dill’d not water do it.”
“You know meat. It wood-fire me up if I had you there playing with me.”
“Guest I’m on your team then?”
“Jam right you are.”
“Sweet.”
“Soy what are you whey-tin’ for?”
“Cheese-us, mate. Can’t I have a moment of pea-ce?”
“I juice want to make sure you’re pre-pear’d.”
“It doesn’t look berry easy.”
“You’ll be grape at it.”
“Thanks, sugar.”
“Ooh, saucy.”
“…cheesy.”