Diets: You’re Doing It Wrong

The two biggest fears a person can face are dying and dieting.
As most of us often avoid dying on a daily basis, it is usually the concept of dieting that people struggle with.
New diets have been put in place for those people who have an intolerance to balanced eating and / or exercise.

If for whatever reason, you find that you need to go on a diet, this guide may or may not help you to know how to best approach a number of diets.


Staples of the The Hipster Diet often include overpriced avocados, poached eggs, and drinking out of jam jars.

DIET: Lemon detox
Find the least enjoyable, most sour fruit available, add some spice and then pretend it has the nutritional value of all other fruits, vegetables and meats combined.

DIET: Atkins
Tell yourself you can have bacon and eggs for breakfast every morning but then realise you are also being told to avoid nasty carbohydrates such as fruit. A recipe for success.

DIET: Paleo
Ignore modern technology and discover why no one wants to invite you out to dinner anymore.

DIET: Juice detox
Blend vegetables and fruits together until they become an undrinkable brown concoction. Repeat until you miss solid foods.

DIET: Gluten free
Pay three times as much for a loaf of bread that is half the size and twice as dense.
Unfortunately this diet involves giving up all the best foods around, including but not limited to play dough.

DIET: Raw foods
An excellent choice if you can’t be bothered cooking. Handful of nuts for dinner, anyone?

DIET: Subway diet
Continue to eat at an established food chain every day. Repeat until you have lost a significant amount of weight and gained a national sponsorship deal.

DIET: 5:2 Diet
Eat like a normal person five days a week, and cry on two non-consecutive days every week.

Bon appétit!