Butch, Please: A Letter To My Future Monster-In-Law

A letter to my future mother-in-law

Dear Gracious Saint of the western suburbs,

Just checking in to see how things are going re: accepting my existence.

What’s been happenin’? Haven’t heard from you in a while since that time you graciously ushered me out of your house. I apologise btw, for being forthcoming with my sexual orientation (soz), I didn’t realise that when you interrogated me the polite thing to do would have been to remain deeply closeted. It wont happen again, I promise; especially now that you have explained how easy it can be to brainwash people like your daughter into wanting to have sex with a person of the same gender. Thanks for the heads up.

I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye after you slammed the door, but I did get your text message and wanted to say a big thank you. I think you might have had autocorrect on ’cause I’m not sure what a ‘slitty botch’ is, but I appreciated the sentiment all the same.

I assumed you must have been busy lately. It must be a lot to deal with having your own daughter selfishly decide to move out in her twenties. Kids can be so ungrateful, can’t they? They never think about how it will affect the parent. I mean, since she abandoned you she has left you with no other choice but to drive all the way to the shops now when you need to find someone to criticise. I can’t imagine how it must feel having your child go off the rails like that; learning to drive, getting a job and moving in with a partner. It’s inconceivable when one considers that she was raised by someone as well-mannered and respected as yourself. It’s almost laughable. (Laughing being the sounds that one makes when they are happy – jks.)

But anyway, what have you been up to? The last time I saw you you were talking about all this religious stuff you are into. Btw have you been to church yet? I never recall ever seeing you there when I drive past, which is a shame because you seemed to be really keen on it. Oh also, I was going to look up that thing you told me from the bible. You know, the part that God wrote? The part about dykes being she-devils? Turns out though, I don’t own a copy of the ol’ good book. I’d borrow your copy of it, but I didn’t remember seeing it anywhere at your place that time I stayed over and committed a carnal sin with your daughter.

Anyway, take care of yourself.
In the mean time, try not to socialise with too many homosexuals in case you become one. (You know what they’re like – LOL.)

Love ya.

From your favourite ‘slotty butch’