Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians

“But say, like, a guy came along and had everything you wanted in a woman… except he was a man, would you like, go there?”

“So how exactly does that work with two women?”

“Did you want to stay here and hang out with the guys while we go shopping?”

“Does it make you sad that you can’t have kids together? Like proper kids, that are both yours?”

“Who would you turn straight for?”

“How much money would you go straight for?”

“When did you decide to be gay?”

“I kinda get it because I see Angelina Jolie and I think ‘she’s really hot.’”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress.”

“I thought you were, but I didn’t want to say, in case you thought I was hitting on you.”

“What are you going to do if someone at work finds out?”

“Who’s going to wear the dress at the wedding?”

“Sorry I kissed you the other night, I was just drunk and wanted to know what it feels like.”

“Is that why you never wear make-up?”

“Can you just act a little less gay in front of my family?”

“What do you talk about when you’re with your gay friends?”

“Are you sure you’re a lesbian?”

“You’re a lesbian? But you’re so pretty!”

“Are you attracted to me?”

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The Benefits Of Being Gay

Double Your Wardrobe

Should you choose to date someone of a similar size and gender, you reap the rewards of being able to wear any of their more expensive, and therefore better clothes any time you so desire.
NB: This is only advantageous to you if they have a sense of style.
Otherwise, chuck ‘em.

Male Friends

As a lesbian, it is in your rights to have as many attractive male friends around you as you wish. As this will not be a threat to your (or their) relationship, feel free to ruffle their hair and gently place your hand on their backside whenever the mood strikes you.  It may confuse them, but you can be happy in the knowledge that you are not, and will never be, confused.

Welfare Benefits

As no one assumes your gayness, you can use the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to your advantage. This will be most profitable when claiming to be roommates as opposed to a “joint partnership.”

Since the government won’t let you marry, here’s a chance to even the score and collect compensatory money.

Dodging The Question

Living in a backwards country is hard. Fortunately, however, this means that no one will ever ask you that dreaded question:  “So when are you going to get married?”

Not Getting Pregnant

There is little to no chance of pregnancy when you engage in sexual activities with a person of the same sex. At the time of this going to print, no pregnancies have been recorded as a result of homosexual encounters. However, precautions should always be taken to ensure this does not occur…

ie: abstinence.

First-World Lesbian Problems

  • Sharing a wardrobe.
  • Having to explain to straight people that neither of you is the ‘man’ in the relationship.
  • Having to decide whether to chop off your hair and be recognized as a lesbian, or keep your hair long and be assumed straight.
  • Listening to one of your family members awkwardly refer to your partner as your ‘friend’ or ‘roommate’.
  • Having to converse with a work colleague who keeps casually mentioning Ellen Degeneres as a way of trying to tactfully decipher your sexuality.
  • Being asked by acquaintances, “Do you have a boyfriend?”
  • Knowing that the L Word character you like the most is not the same character you are most like.
  • Getting distracted by porn every time you Google anything remotely lesbian related.
  • Never knowing if it is yet safe to drop the word ‘she’ in, after continually using the gender-neutral term “my partner.”

  • PMS:  Pre-Menstrual Synchronisation.
  • Trying to slink out of a room when the discussion topic suddenly becomes “How do lesbians have sex?”
  • When saying “my girlfriend and I”, wondering if the person listening understands you mean partner and not a ‘girl friend’.
  • Consistently finding yourself attracted to the only straight girl at the gay bar.
  • Having to again listen to a man ask the disgustingly inevitable; “Can I watch?”
  • Wearing your girlfriend’s wedgie-inclined pair of underwear by mistake.
  • Deciding what your kids will call each of their mums to avoid confusion.
  • Trying to participate in a conversation with your straight friends about “that hot guy with the dimples.”
  • Australia’s biggest first-world problem: Tony Abbott.