If My Résumé Reflected My Real Life

According to all the unread emails in my inbox, falsely enhancing what you have can give off a much better impression and generate lots of interest.
My résumé has been a prime example of this.

They say the odd ‘white lie’ doesn’t hurt anybody, but it seems my CV (Contrived Version) has now become a snowballing list of tweaked truths. I use the term ‘truths’ because there is a certain level of truth hidden in there. Somewhere.

• Yes, I went to a school.
  No, I am not going to put its real name because it is in a suburb usually following the phrase “The low socio-economic area of…”
  Why don’t we all agree I went to Affluent Sydney Girls College for the Smart, Rich and Beautiful? And hell, let’s just say I was school president or whatever and that I given an award as the ‘least desperately unemployable graduate’ or something because if I’ve now gotten myself in this deep anyway.

 

• Yes, I have had some form of job.
  No, I will not tell you exactly what I did in that job. I will tell you the kind of tasks you are expecting me to do in this next job. I mean, does the person whose job is to “stand on the corner waving to cars whilst dressed as a pizza slice” write that on their résumé? Do they?
  And if you are looking for someone to do a task that I know I definitely can’t do I will say I have only completed this task “under supervision” or “under instruction”, which means I will expect you to give me full supervision and exact instructions on how the hell to do this task once I’m employed.

It’s a wonder how I would even manage to fill a complete page if my résumé actually reflected my real life.
I believe if I ever was to hand over a brutally honest version of my current skills and strengths it may look a little more like this:

 

Strengths:

• I work extremely well when I know my boss is watching.
• I once ate a family-sized pizza by myself in a single sitting.
• I am never late on days when I know the people who might dob me in are there.
• Very neatly presented when I cover my coffee stains with a sweater.
• Able to appear to be busy, tired and stressed even when avoiding duties.
• I can do 2.5 complete rotations on a swivel chair with one push.

Skills:

• I am particularly skilled at stretching out my lunch break to the absolute maximum time possible.
• Fluent in Solitaire and Tetris.
• Have gotten “pretending to laugh at the boss’ jokes” down to a fine art.
• Typing speed of 100+ words / minute if accuracy is not a concern.
• Compatible with Safari and Google on iPhone systems; willing to learn how to not ‘right-click’ on Mac desktop systems.
• Ability to check Facebook whilst performing other tasks.
• Read something somewhere relating to OH&S stuff.

Interests:

• Getting paid.
• Anything outside of work.

 

Everybody seeking my services, please form an orderly queue.