Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

Red Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

For others, help comes all too late.