Getting Unfit and Staying Unfit

The best time to start any new change is tomorrow; it’s close enough that you can feel inspired about it, without having to actually do something today.

How I Keep Unfit:

Sometimes I flick through a fitness magazine or see a TV ad for a smoothie maker and suddenly decide I am going to change my life and become incredibly fit (read: hot).

I usually kick-start my fitness plan by spending a whole day at the shops looking to buy the perfect pair of new running shoes. When I eventually arrive home, often without shoes at all, I am completely exhausted and lay about on the couch.

If I do decide to go for a jog the next day, conditions must be perfect. After all, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable; the biggest part of a healthy lifestyle is self-esteem and feeling good about what you are doing. I would love to run, but unfortunately there is simply no way I can should any wind, rain, excessive sunshine, spectators or judgmental dogs be around. If all is clear I will need to have something suitable to wear, although as I currently hate my entire wardrobe, a day at the shops for a workout outfit may be necessary.

Watching 'Bridget Jones' Diary' can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself.

Watching ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself. (See also: The Biggest Loser)

My diet starts off with good intentions. I troll through Instagram looking at healthy menu ideas for dinner whilst munching on an unsatisfying celery stalk and then downing a Diet Coke to make sure my tastebuds still work. Buying plenty of whole, raw foods makes me feel like I’m already a full-blown yoga instructor. I make a point to look down upon those in the frozen food aisle so as to motivate them to change to the healthy, organic lifestyle that I have decided I am adopting this week. My fridge becomes stocked with foods I am yet to Google how to prepare or cook and others I will discover I don’t like the taste of.

The day after this, if I haven’t forgotten entirely about my health plan, I usually decide I should dedicate a set time each day to exercise.

Starting tomorrow.

In the early morning my alarm goes off and I decide that early mornings will not be that time.
Later in the afternoon I conclude that sometime before dinner would be a good time to workout as it will get my appetite going. Granted, there is a TV show I simply must watch first because we all need some guilty pleasures, no matter how small, however I decide I will get started after the episode finishes.

A quick check of Facebook naturally follows. As expected, there is nothing much on my news feed of any particular interest. One would think I could pull myself away, but yet the sun begins to set outside while I aimlessly flick through things and look at what other people liked.

As it is now dinner time I must first take in my fuel before any exercise happens. A funny smell is lingering and I find a wilted bunch of ‘some-organic-plant-I-have-forgotten-how-to-pronounce’ squashed behind my emergency chocolate milk. The texture of whatever superfood I had bought and subsequently killed is so slimy and gross I deem the situation a state of emergency.

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Fig 1. How to sexually arouse a female

I decide I need to go back to the shops to get actual edible food and a new magazine for a visionboard collage that I will never get around to making, and thus, I end my intensive week of hardcore fitness, health and inner wellbeing.

#winning

A Typical Conversation With Myself At The Gym

“Ok, yep, I’m ready.
Totally gonna smash this out.
Gonna do 10kms on the treadmill, yep.
Alright.
Ok.
Looking good.
Feeling alright.
I got this.

Yep.
This isn’t so bad.
Don’t know why I thought this would be so hard.
I’m killing it.
Probably the fittest one here.
Yep, pretty much.

Oh wait, nope.
No, she definitely looks more toned then me.
Better move up to a higher speed.
Yep.
Nope, too fast.
Back down.
Ok, yep.
Take a drink, that’s it.
Recovery.
Definitely got this.
Alright, good she’s gone.
Feeling good.
Feeling good.

Oh, I love this song.
Alright, gonna sprint during the chorus.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
GO!

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Feeling like a champion.
Probably look like a pro.
Oh God.
God, hurry up.
Why is this chorus so long?
Keep going.
Still going.
Bit more.

Nope.
Can’t do it.
Alright, that’s ok.
Most of the chorus.
That’s good.
Just gonna pace it for the rest of the song.
Yep, taking a drink.

Ok, and I am at… 1km?
What?
Feel like I’ve been on here for ages.
Oh God, not even half way.
Better aim for 5kms.

Ok, yep.
5kms, I can do this.
Yep, almost half way.
Better slow it down.
Don’t want to over do it.
Yep, getting there.
Ok.
Almost half way.
Alright.
Ok, more like one-third of the way.
But that’s alright.
Feeling good.

Little bit sore, but moving on.
Not gonna think about it.
Gonna ignore that slight pain in my knee.
Just pretend its not there.
Just jogging it off.

Ok, seriously what is that?
Really starting to hurt.
Better slow it down a bit more.
Don’t want to risk it.
Besides almost finished.
Almost finished.
Yep, alright.
Couple more kms.
Just a few more kms.
Keep going.
Oh God, she’s back.

And great, she picked the treadmill next to me.
Who does that?
There are like a million others to choose from.
Better have a drink.

Alright refocus.
Almost there.
What is going on with my knee?
Slowing it up again.
Should’ve stretched.
Knew it.
Just gonna walk it off.

Oh god, still another 2kms to go.
Don’t think I can do it.
Probably shouldn’t.
Could have a serious sports injury here.
Better finish it up.

Alright I’ll just get to 3.5kms and then I’ll stop.
Doing good.
Doing good.

3.3kms.

Yep, pretty close.

Little bit more.

God, shouldn’t have drank so much.
Need to pee.
Alright little bit further, then I’ll get off.
Few more minutes.

Yep, just few more steps.

Nope.
That’ll do.
Over it.”

—- End scene —-

In Sickness and In Convenient Times

When a single person gets sick and nobody is around, it is fair for them to assume they will die alone and become the subject of newspaper headings containing phrases such as ‘found three days later’, ‘strange smell from next door’ and/or ‘lonely spinster’.

When a person in a relationship is faced with a sick partner, an equally unfair series of events unfold.

In theory:
Your partner will inevitably get sick from time to time. It is understood that when your significant other is sick they will expect some form of sympathy from you. This should be offered without hesitation.

In practice:
Your partner may get sick at times that are inconvenient to your plans, or claim sickness much more frequently than you had been made aware of in the initial stages of dating. Furthermore, your partner will inevitably at some point, exaggerate the duration of their sickness in order to get some additional attention. It is understood that no sympathy will be given to you, the healthier, kinder specimen, as you wait on them hand and foot during their apparent spout of headaches or mysterious cough which miraculously disappears during their favourite TV shows. You should know when to pick your battles without hesitation.

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Opposedly, should the situation reverse and you get sick, it is fair to forget the tedious tasks you were forced to endure in the name of sickness. You rightfully wont recall how you felt unappreciated making your beloved dinner night after night due to a blocked nose they felt several days earlier. Your health is the most important thing you have, so you should not risk injuring your back on top of everything else by going and getting a glass of water yourself. If they really loved you they would understand.

Note: This remains the case unless you or your partner cry ‘Period Pain’ which trumps everything and should be tended to with the utmost forms of sympathy and gifts.