Hate Mails For Our Hate Mailers

Dear small-minded human,

We appreciate your feedback.
Actually, we appreciate the fact that you are able to string a sentence together at all. You must be very highly educated and knowledgeable. I can only assume so being that this is a humourous blog designed to hurt no one and so perhaps your hate mail was more an ironic, comedic twist rather than the moronic, illogical invasion of reason it comes across as.

We have read your arguments as to why our lifestyle choices make you uncomfortable and would like to retort that your rudeness and lack of punctuation makes us, as well as many members of the heterosexual community, highly uncomfortable. However, if you may be willing to change then perhaps we would be more likely to ‘Eat a dick’ as you so kindly recommended.

I don’t have much hope though that you may be able to accept the lives of two people across the other side of the world, as you don’t yet seem to have the mental capacity to realise that by contacting us,  we are clearly able to see your email address.
Should we ever feel the need to attack the personal life of someone we don’t know, we will be sure to keep you in mind.

Lots of love,
The Adventures In Loserville Team.

In Sickness and In Convenient Times

When a single person gets sick and nobody is around, it is fair for them to assume they will die alone and become the subject of newspaper headings containing phrases such as ‘found three days later’, ‘strange smell from next door’ and/or ‘lonely spinster’.

When a person in a relationship is faced with a sick partner, an equally unfair series of events unfold.

In theory:
Your partner will inevitably get sick from time to time. It is understood that when your significant other is sick they will expect some form of sympathy from you. This should be offered without hesitation.

In practice:
Your partner may get sick at times that are inconvenient to your plans, or claim sickness much more frequently than you had been made aware of in the initial stages of dating. Furthermore, your partner will inevitably at some point, exaggerate the duration of their sickness in order to get some additional attention. It is understood that no sympathy will be given to you, the healthier, kinder specimen, as you wait on them hand and foot during their apparent spout of headaches or mysterious cough which miraculously disappears during their favourite TV shows. You should know when to pick your battles without hesitation.

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Opposedly, should the situation reverse and you get sick, it is fair to forget the tedious tasks you were forced to endure in the name of sickness. You rightfully wont recall how you felt unappreciated making your beloved dinner night after night due to a blocked nose they felt several days earlier. Your health is the most important thing you have, so you should not risk injuring your back on top of everything else by going and getting a glass of water yourself. If they really loved you they would understand.

Note: This remains the case unless you or your partner cry ‘Period Pain’ which trumps everything and should be tended to with the utmost forms of sympathy and gifts.

Top 10 Reasons For Being Late To Work

1. Attempting to leave at very delicately timed latest possible minute.

2. Choosing an outfit for unrelated event happening outside of work hours.

3. Waking up to an alarm and in a sleepy daze not being able to remember what it had been set for.

4. Some form of breakfast disaster, including spillage, overcooking (burning), running out of an item or completely over-doing portion size to the point of illness.

5. Not being told about daylight savings time change by several forms of media.

6. Bad hair day.

7. Contemplating giving up all connections with outside world due to bad weather.

8. Phone out of battery – making last minute attempt to charge to at least 3% before leaving.

9. Spider found in house – sole purpose in life now to use all energy to make sure it can be seen at all times until it either leaves the house or dies.

10. Went on the internet.

Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians

“But say, like, a guy came along and had everything you wanted in a woman… except he was a man, would you like, go there?”

“So how exactly does that work with two women?”

“Did you want to stay here and hang out with the guys while we go shopping?”

“Does it make you sad that you can’t have kids together? Like proper kids, that are both yours?”

“Who would you turn straight for?”

“How much money would you go straight for?”

“When did you decide to be gay?”

“I kinda get it because I see Angelina Jolie and I think ‘she’s really hot.’”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress.”

“I thought you were, but I didn’t want to say, in case you thought I was hitting on you.”

“What are you going to do if someone at work finds out?”

“Who’s going to wear the dress at the wedding?”

“Sorry I kissed you the other night, I was just drunk and wanted to know what it feels like.”

“Is that why you never wear make-up?”

“Can you just act a little less gay in front of my family?”

“What do you talk about when you’re with your gay friends?”

“Are you sure you’re a lesbian?”

“You’re a lesbian? But you’re so pretty!”

“Are you attracted to me?”

The Benefits Of Being Gay

Double Your Wardrobe

Should you choose to date someone of a similar size and gender, you reap the rewards of being able to wear any of their more expensive, and therefore better clothes any time you so desire.
NB: This is only advantageous to you if they have a sense of style.
Otherwise, chuck ‘em.

Male Friends

As a lesbian, it is in your rights to have as many attractive male friends around you as you wish. As this will not be a threat to your (or their) relationship, feel free to ruffle their hair and gently place your hand on their backside whenever the mood strikes you.  It may confuse them, but you can be happy in the knowledge that you are not, and will never be, confused.

Welfare Benefits

As no one assumes your gayness, you can use the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy to your advantage. This will be most profitable when claiming to be roommates as opposed to a “joint partnership.”

Since the government won’t let you marry, here’s a chance to even the score and collect compensatory money.

Dodging The Question

Living in a backwards country is hard. Fortunately, however, this means that no one will ever ask you that dreaded question:  “So when are you going to get married?”

Not Getting Pregnant

There is little to no chance of pregnancy when you engage in sexual activities with a person of the same sex. At the time of this going to print, no pregnancies have been recorded as a result of homosexual encounters. However, precautions should always be taken to ensure this does not occur…

ie: abstinence.

First-World Lesbian Problems (Part II)

  • Everyone assuming you can fix their car.
  • Wanting to be in the Dykes on Bikes but having neither a motorbike or a motorbike licence.
  • Deciding whether to be on a float during Mardi Gras, where you won’t get to see all of the parade. Or to try to watch it from the crowd, where you won’t get to see all of the parade.
  • If you are butch; being told you look like a man.
  • If you are a femme; being told that you don’t look like a lesbian.
  •  Other women thinking you actually want to sneak a peek at their disgustingly sweaty body in the gym change rooms.
  • Having your mother still trying to set you up with eligible male bachelors, believing that it just takes ‘the right man to come along’.
  • Pretending that you haven’t looked up the ‘Interested In’ info on Facebook of all your female co-workers.

  • Being told you are too pretty to be a lesbian by someone who is too stupid to see that those two points are not linked.
  • Trying to find a roommate you are not attracted to.
  • Guests suddenly becoming uncomfortable after seeing a turkey baster in your kitchen drawer.
  • Being informed that your sexuality “is just not natural” by a woman who had a C-section for her IVF child.
  • Listening to your friends plan their weddings.
  • The possibility of your partner having the same first name as you.
  • Having to exert absolute self-control maintaining eye-contact when in conversation with a cleavage-bearing woman.
  • Not being able to grow your fingernails long.

What People Think Lesbians Do

What My Friends Think I Do:

I spend my nights making-out with other women in nightclubs, getting the attention of all the men in the room. When a guy finally approaches my group of friends, I fist-pump him and talk about sports.

What Men Think I Do:

I wake up next to my best friend who I accidentally slept with last night. Naturally, we are both in lingerie and can’t keep our hands off each other. Luckily, we don’t need our memory as an aide for recalling what happened because it’s all recorded on camera.
And to think it all started with a pillow fight.

What Religious Groups Think I Do:

After brainwashing troubled teens down a path of homosexuality, I gather people en masse in a brazen attempt to destroy the sanctity of marriage.
Before winding down for the night with an adult movie, I burn the bible.

What My Mum Thinks I Do:

I throw on my ripped flannelette shirt, after downing a beer and head down to the tattoo parlour to meet my bikie friends. They will try to convince me to shave my gorgeous hair off.

What Society Thinks I Do:

I read my feminist novels at the local organic vegan café in preparation for the bra-burning festival I will be attending later that day.

What I Think I Do:

I go about my day as a sophisticated, modern woman; in control of my life and my decisions.

What I Actually Do:

Write this blog.