Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

red flagsRed Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

read flag 3

I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

red flag 2

Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

sneeze

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

hello

For others, help comes all too late.

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Being Single On Valentine’s Day

If you are single, you have undoubtedly been made well aware that Valentine’s Day is on it’s way again.
It seems these days you can’t walk into a store for your can of Soup-for-One without tripping over a mass of cute stuffed animals, love-heart-shaped cards, and all manner of cheesy, commerial, soppy shit that you desperately wish someone would buy for you.

valentines 2

Should you find yourself to be single during Valentine’s Day this year, it may help you to know that you are not alone. Well, I mean, you are, clearly, but there are many other dateless, sad losers just like you out there. Instead of wasting your time wishing that for even just this one day of the year, someone, anyone, would at least touch you with a ten-foot pole, why not forget about dying alone with some fun ideas like those listed below.

Things To Do When You Are Not Celebrating Valentine’s Day:

Know someone else who is much happier than you?
Why not put a letter in their mailbox pretending to be the ‘other woman’?
You might even want make it more authentic by throwing a cheap old ring or piece of jewellery in there.
Too far?
If a friend of yours has bragged to you about where they are taking their beloved for dinner reservations, simply ring up and make a cancellation.

Hear your neighbours having wild, romantic romp?
Try throwing a rock through their window and run for it. Give them something to really sream about.
Too far?
Change your Wi-Fi name and let them know that you have heard too much information eg. ‘John in Unit 2 has Erectile Dysfunction.’

Remembeing all your ex-lover’s who scorned you?
Get some closure by using an unregistered number to continually call them and hang up. Let them feel what it is like to have someone really screwing with them.
Too far?
Ring up and order pizzas and taxis to their house and ruin their night.
valentine

Your coupled-up friends will tell you that Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter, or perhaps even say that they don’t celebrate it, but you expect that if you tried to make plans with them for that day they will selfishly be spending time with their soul mate instead. Smug bastards.
Just try to remember that for most couples, Valentine’s Day consists of exchanging cards with personal messages written by someone at Hallmark, an evening at an over-priced, crowded restaurant, becoming bloated, trying to avoid having an argument, feeling tired, and going to sleep.
A sad night on the town? Please… You could pull that off on a bad day. Well, maybe not the ‘someone giving you a card’ part…

Why I’ll Never Be Treated Like An Adult

  • I work at the same responsibility level as people who are still undergoing puberty.
  • I leave the discarded crust edges of my pizza on my plate.
  • I have been using a cake tin as a salad bowl for at least a year, rather than forking out the $3 to buy a larger bowl.
  • I think of vacuuming as an ‘optional’ household chore.
  • On more than one occasion at a formal event, I’ve been told that my shirt is not ironed.
  • I am still always in shock when the toilet paper supply runs out.
  • I’d like to buy a dog, but my first thought is immediately “but who will feed it?”
  • I still accept money for petrol off my mum when I visit.
  • I create scenarios in my head where I envision telling off someone who has recently pissed me off.
  • Washing my clothes consists of washing, drying and then being left in a pile on the floor for an undetermined period of time.
  • I allow myself a big enough period of time in the morning to snooze my alarm clock at least 5 times.
  • I giggle at words like ‘tits.’
  • I still use the phrase ‘when I grow up.’

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Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

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The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*

How To Date Other Humans

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website.
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/10291/How-to-date-other-humans.htm

As there is not yet a HTML code for generating a compatible human partner, people in the so called (over-rated) ‘real world’ have to rely on a process called Dating in which to find someone they can annoy for the rest of their life.

The act of dating can be a scary, often disappointing experience, so it is important to have an idea of how one goes about dating correctly.
This guide has been put together to help assist you to not die alone.

Who To Pick:

It is important to look somewhat decent and like a functional, contributing person within society when meeting someone you may wish to continue seeing. In saying that, you too should expect that this person has also taken the time to get fully dressed before meeting you.

Many people do not look the way that instagram says they look. Instead of getting your expectations too high about how attractive they may be, try to focus rather on whether this person has all the features (2 eyes, 1 nose, etc) that are most desirable in a human. It is important to remain positive.

Where to Go:

First dates can be awkward and daunting, which is why I am glad I don’t have to go through them anymore. There are a few standard places recommended for those of you lagging about and still stuck in this stage of life.  These are listed here to help you decide the right one for you and some other person.

Movies – Seeing a movie together is a good choice if you wish to have little interaction and talking with this person. Having this person remain silent for a period of time may be something you will look back fondly over should your relationship progress.

Dinner – If you are not concerned about having food stuck between your teeth while talking than this option could be for you. It is customary that both of you should pretend that you can afford to pay for the entire dinner, before agreeing to each pay for half of the bill. If your night is not going too well, I recommend ordering the lobster and making an exit first before the bill arrives.

Bowling/Mini-Golf/Karaoke, etc – A good distraction to focus on as you will both be deciding whether the person you have come with is single because of their terrible inability or overt cockiness during this and / or other similar activities.

What To Do:

There is no specific goal related to dating, other than to have someone endure your company for a period of time. Your date may consist of simply talking or progress to levels of affection. You should not feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with. However, if you are comfortable with really weird, freaky shit, you should find out whether your present company is too before you get started.

You may or may not wish to plant a kiss on this person by the end of the date (Not applicable if you have ordered Lobster). Or you may feel that telling them you’ll look them up on Facebook, with no intention of doing so, is a more appropriate end to the night.

At the conclusion of a date you are expected to and should be prepared to give over any information, however private, about the proceedings to your friends. Friends, particularly others in couples, will not take no for an answer.

In Conclusion:

Just remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea, regrettably though, the majority of them are disgustingly inedible.

We hope this guide has successfully prepared you to start your journey towards settling for somebody.

Please note however, if you are reading this whilst wearing sandals with socks, you are unfortunately beyond our help and we would like to wish you and your several cats a long, happy life together.

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Reasons Not To Fall In Love

Falling in love can be a magical, surreal experience, however there are some pitfalls about falling in love that no one will probably ever warn you about.

The downfalls of falling in love:

  • The Economic Crisis:
    Being in love is expensive. You may find yourself wanting to buy your beloved all sorts of things just to make them smile. Can you really afford to dote on someone when there are so many new high-tech gadgets you could buy for yourself? Why should someone else receive heart-felt gifts with all your hard-earned money just because they are an amazing person? After all, eating dinner alone is a much more cost effective way of living rather taking your significant other to a romantic restaurant. You do the maths.
  • Time Management:
    You probably already lead quite a busy life, right? You have places to go and things to do every day, maybe even deadlines to meet. Imagine if someone came into your life and suddenly you found yourself wanting to spend more and more time with them. You might suddenly find yourself rearranging your time to be with them, neglecting a few responsibilities to spend a bit longer with them. Remember that broken tile in the bathroom you were going to fix a few months ago? Of course you don’t. Love can be very time-consuming. Are you sure you can fit this amazing human being into your schedule? It may mean you have to cut down on some of your time spent trolling the internet. Is it really worth it?

  • The Invisibility Phenomenon:
    It’s all well and good that you’ve gone and fallen in love. But what good is that to all your single friends? You used to be so good at consoling them through their heartbreaks. Now your advice is completely useless, that is, if they even ask you at all anymore. They are right to assume that, as you are now loved by someone, you no longer have any recollection of what it is like to be single and the concept of loneliness no longer exists for you. Finding a companion was a selfish, unforgivable thing to do. Whose failed love-life can they now compare their own to when they want to feel better?
  • The Unknown:
    Falling in love with someone may mean you start to try new things that you have never done before. You may notice that your beloved insists on sharing their interests with you. Let’s say their interest, for example, is gardening; a hobby that you had previously never really thought much about. Do you really want to learn so much about a topic just because your beloved’s face lights up when they talk about it? If their passion really was that great wouldn’t you have already been interested in it before they came along? Don’t let them broaden your horizons and change you for the better.

  • Emotional Rollercoaster:
    One would hope that falling in love would be a peaceful, calm journey. Alas by falling in love you choose to forfeit your own ability to control your emotions. This one mere person now has the power to set your heart pounding into a frenzy with a soft, slow kiss; make you laugh uncontrollably to the point where you almost lose bladder control; make a simple, beautiful gesture which brings you to the point of almost shedding a tear out of sheer joy. You don’t need that kind of instability. That kind of erratic behaviour can’t be good for you.

Love: Don’t fall for it.

If you ever find that you have fallen in love with someone, please follow this advice: Inform an adult of your situation and plan a safe exit.
It’s for your own good.
Friends don’t let friends form meaningful relationships.

What I’ve Learnt From Being In A Relationship

What You Wear Is No Longer A Personal Choice

When you are single:
Picking an outfit for the day is a practical task which falls under a simple formula: What is clean?

As a couple:
Your choice in clothing each day comes under the ever-increasing catergory of ‘mutual decisions’. Cleanliness is but one element taken into account, but additional thought processes include: Is it a breach of my own moral dignity to be standing next to this person?

Down Time No Longer Exists

When you are single:
After finishing a long, hard day at work there is nothing better than relaxing and sitting back knowing there is nowhere you need to be and nothing you need to do. Ah, bliss.

As a couple:
After finishing a long, hard day of work you will arrive home to find that in your absence plans have been made for an impromptu dinner party. Peaceful silence has been replaced with a squeal of “Guess who’s coming to dinner?” the moment you walk in the door. Red-faced and flustered, you can only hope that your response of “Yes honey, I will get the bathroom spotless in 5 minutes”, will be enough for her.

Items Of Any Value Will Inevitably Go Missing

When you are single:
When placing any piece of personal property down on a surface, you can expect to find it in this exact location when you next return.

As a couple:
When placing any piece of personal property down on a surface, you do so with knowledge of the risk that it may be used and, if lucky, returned to a surface in a similar location at a point in the furture. Futhermore, if your partner has vocalised any distain toward this piece of personal property – do not expect to see it ever again.

Expenses Are Doubled

When you are single:
Hard-earned money is spent on personal things that are generally necessary to your own survival and wellbeing.

As a couple:
It is understood that you will always foot half of the bill for everything. That $50 conditioner you recently bought together? Your view that you will never use it, and therefore shouldn’t pay, has been taken into consideration and thoroughly ignored.

Normal Conversations Are A Distant Memory

When you are single:
A conversation between yourself and another person is often a delightful exchange of ideas on a single topic. Both participants share their thoughts and feelings in a to and fro manner, which fosters an overall enjoyable experience.

As a couple:
A conversation between yourself and your partner often consists of each person talking about a seperate topic with little to no regard about whether the other is listening. Eventually, when one does stop to listen to the other, the resulting exchange of words is “What was it that you had to talk to me about again?”

Meals Are Not Made According To Your Preferences

When you are single:
When hungry, you casually browse the foodstuffs you have in your household and consume as much or little as desired until satisfied.

As a couple:
When your partner is hungry, they will suggest a specific meal that they are craving. You will then help to purchase and / or prepare a dish which is portioned out to you within the restrictions of latest low-carb / high-protein / low-fat diet until they are satisfied.

Being Correct Is Not The Same As Being Right

When you are single:
You are always right.

As a couple:
She is always right.