If you are single, you have undoubtedly been made well aware that Valentine’s Day is on it’s way again.
It seems these days you can’t walk into a store for your can of Soup-for-One without tripping over a mass of cute stuffed animals, love-heart-shaped cards, and all manner of cheesy, commerial, soppy shit that you desperately wish someone would buy for you.
Should you find yourself to be single during Valentine’s Day this year, it may help you to know that you are not alone. Well, I mean, you are, clearly, but there are many other dateless, sad losers just like you out there. Instead of wasting your time wishing that for even just this one day of the year, someone, anyone, would at least touch you with a ten-foot pole, why not forget about dying alone with some fun ideas like those listed below.
Things To Do When You Are Not Celebrating Valentine’s Day:
Know someone else who is much happier than you?
Why not put a letter in their mailbox pretending to be the ‘other woman’?
You might even want make it more authentic by throwing a cheap old ring or piece of jewellery in there.
If a friend of yours has bragged to you about where they are taking their beloved for dinner reservations, simply ring up and make a cancellation.
Hear your neighbours having wild, romantic romp?
Try throwing a rock through their window and run for it. Give them something to really sream about.
Change your Wi-Fi name and let them know that you have heard too much information eg. ‘John in Unit 2 has Erectile Dysfunction.’
Remembeing all your ex-lover’s who scorned you?
Get some closure by using an unregistered number to continually call them and hang up. Let them feel what it is like to have someone really screwing with them.
Ring up and order pizzas and taxis to their house and ruin their night.
Your coupled-up friends will tell you that Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter, or perhaps even say that they don’t celebrate it, but you expect that if you tried to make plans with them for that day they will selfishly be spending time with their soul mate instead. Smug bastards.
Just try to remember that for most couples, Valentine’s Day consists of exchanging cards with personal messages written by someone at Hallmark, an evening at an over-priced, crowded restaurant, becoming bloated, trying to avoid having an argument, feeling tired, and going to sleep.
A sad night on the town? Please… You could pull that off on a bad day. Well, maybe not the ‘someone giving you a card’ part…