Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

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The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

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If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.

Top 10 Reasons For Being Late To Work

1. Attempting to leave at very delicately timed latest possible minute.

2. Choosing an outfit for unrelated event happening outside of work hours.

3. Waking up to an alarm and in a sleepy daze not being able to remember what it had been set for.

4. Some form of breakfast disaster, including spillage, overcooking (burning), running out of an item or completely over-doing portion size to the point of illness.

5. Not being told about daylight savings time change by several forms of media.

6. Bad hair day.

7. Contemplating giving up all connections with outside world due to bad weather.

8. Phone out of battery – making last minute attempt to charge to at least 3% before leaving.

9. Spider found in house – sole purpose in life now to use all energy to make sure it can be seen at all times until it either leaves the house or dies.

10. Went on the internet.

10 Signs You Are Addicted To Your iPhone

1. You forget that other people use devices like ‘watches’ and ‘clocks’ to tell the time.

2. Whenever you accidentally leave it in the car, you rush back to get it as if you had locked your own child in an unattended vehicle.

3. You keep thinking you can hear your phone message tone going off during the day when it hasn’t.

4. A single tear can be seen rolling down your cheek as you discover the first crack on your iPhone screen.

5. You look up the train timetable on Safari even though it is clearly posted in front of you at the train station.

6. You keep checking to see if you have any texts or emails, even though you have not received any notifications.

7. Putting your phone on silent mode has made your vibrator obsolete.

8. You try to ‘pinch’ zoom other technology devices that do not use a touch-screen.

9. You are nonchalantly reading this using your iPhone.

10. You are now about to Google ‘nonchalantly’ on your iPhone.

How To Date Other Humans

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website.
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/10291/How-to-date-other-humans.htm

As there is not yet a HTML code for generating a compatible human partner, people in the so called (over-rated) ‘real world’ have to rely on a process called Dating in which to find someone they can annoy for the rest of their life.

The act of dating can be a scary, often disappointing experience, so it is important to have an idea of how one goes about dating correctly.
This guide has been put together to help assist you to not die alone.

Who To Pick:

It is important to look somewhat decent and like a functional, contributing person within society when meeting someone you may wish to continue seeing. In saying that, you too should expect that this person has also taken the time to get fully dressed before meeting you.

Many people do not look the way that instagram says they look. Instead of getting your expectations too high about how attractive they may be, try to focus rather on whether this person has all the features (2 eyes, 1 nose, etc) that are most desirable in a human. It is important to remain positive.

Where to Go:

First dates can be awkward and daunting, which is why I am glad I don’t have to go through them anymore. There are a few standard places recommended for those of you lagging about and still stuck in this stage of life.  These are listed here to help you decide the right one for you and some other person.

Movies – Seeing a movie together is a good choice if you wish to have little interaction and talking with this person. Having this person remain silent for a period of time may be something you will look back fondly over should your relationship progress.

Dinner – If you are not concerned about having food stuck between your teeth while talking than this option could be for you. It is customary that both of you should pretend that you can afford to pay for the entire dinner, before agreeing to each pay for half of the bill. If your night is not going too well, I recommend ordering the lobster and making an exit first before the bill arrives.

Bowling/Mini-Golf/Karaoke, etc – A good distraction to focus on as you will both be deciding whether the person you have come with is single because of their terrible inability or overt cockiness during this and / or other similar activities.

What To Do:

There is no specific goal related to dating, other than to have someone endure your company for a period of time. Your date may consist of simply talking or progress to levels of affection. You should not feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with. However, if you are comfortable with really weird, freaky shit, you should find out whether your present company is too before you get started.

You may or may not wish to plant a kiss on this person by the end of the date (Not applicable if you have ordered Lobster). Or you may feel that telling them you’ll look them up on Facebook, with no intention of doing so, is a more appropriate end to the night.

At the conclusion of a date you are expected to and should be prepared to give over any information, however private, about the proceedings to your friends. Friends, particularly others in couples, will not take no for an answer.

In Conclusion:

Just remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea, regrettably though, the majority of them are disgustingly inedible.

We hope this guide has successfully prepared you to start your journey towards settling for somebody.

Please note however, if you are reading this whilst wearing sandals with socks, you are unfortunately beyond our help and we would like to wish you and your several cats a long, happy life together.

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