Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

red flagsRed Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

read flag 3

I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

red flag 2

Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

sneeze

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

hello

For others, help comes all too late.

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10 Things My Girlfriend Does That Pisses Me Off

They say that honesty is the best policy in relationships. And honestly, my girlfriend is absolutely the most ridiculously annoying person I have ever met. However, one must learn to pick their battles when cohabitating with another individual, so in this case I have chosen to instead air my grievances here under the guise of a somewhat amusing blog post.

And so, I present to you, the Top 10 things my girlfriend does that I choose not to have arguments about but secretly drives me nuts.

1. Writing To Do Lists:
Ok, great. Good start. A list of things you need to get done. No worries. Not so bad, right? In theory, it’s a good way to get motivated. However, pratically speaking: GO AND DO THEM.
Actually do them. Do something on that list. Do at least one thing on that list.
I have found draft copies of to-do lists in the bin and then the same lists in greater detail floating around the house. If ‘Wash Clothes’ is on your first list, stop writing and wash your clothes.
And who puts ‘Write A To Do List’ on their to-do list?


2. Never Shutting Doors:
I know when my girlfriend has been in the kitchen because EVERY SINGLE CUPBOARD DOOR IS OPEN. Firstly, how many doors did you need to open to get a bowl, cereal, milk and a spoon? Like 4 places max. And secondly CLOSE THE DOORS.

3. Talking About Money:
“But how much will that cost?” – Yes, I get it. Everything is expensive and we only have a finite number of dollars, but honestly, a dinner, once, somewhere semi-decent instead of grocery shopping is not going to financially bankrupt us. Relax. “How much more is it for a large coffee?” – Probably like 50 cents or something, who cares? If you want a large, get a large.

4. Not Looking For Things:
“Have you seen my jacket?” – It is generally understood by most that you should have had at least some sort of attempt at locating things before asking where they are. Most likely your jacket is in the wardrobe. The wardrobe where it is kept. The same wardrobe where it was the last time you saw it. As a general rule, if your jacket is not on you, then the first place to look is the wardrobe. If it is not there or on the washing line, only then you may recruit me or someone else to help look for you, because otherwise my answer is probably going to be “Have you checked the wardrobe?”

BWKrUXMCAAA9lf2

5. Loyalty Cards:
My girlfriend owns a loyalty card for every single place she has been to even if she has no intention of buying anything from there ever again. Seriously, she has a whole wallet full of them. She must have been on some sort of high when she redeemed a free coffee once after having bought nine others previously. Apparently she thinks that by signing up and buying things she has come up with some sort of flawless scam for getting free shit.
“Sure I’ll give you my email address so you can send me annoying daily advertisements in exchange for 10% off a purchase six months from now, SUCKER.”

6. Talking About Her Own Health When I Am Sick:
Ok, this one sounds a bit selfish, but I don’t get sick often and when I do I expect some kind of help in my weakened state. Quite often though, I feel that any illness I have contracted just reminds my girlfriend about how she could also have contracted this too. It’s funny how when I tell her “My throat is really sore,” she will often respond with “Actually I think I might be losing my voice too,” after only hearing her wildly singing in the shower minutes earlier. (And to be honest after hearing it, one can only hope she really is losing her voice.) Me being sick seems to fire up some sort of competitive nature within her, or perhaps she doesn’t like being left out and wants some sympathy back. I expect that if I ever break my leg she will be more than willing to help by informing me that she, herself, hurt her knee earlier and it still hasn’t felt right since. Comforting.

7. Forgetfulness:
Ok, so this is a quality that many people have and it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Except that my girlfriend has a habit of being forgetful at very inopportune moments. It is usually after we have driven away from the house and are about to arrive somewhere like an airport, or a cinema, or at a surprise party, or at work or basically anywhere where a time-frame is important that she will suddenly burst out with the likes of “I think I left my hair straightener and possibly the stove on.”

8. Pretending To Cry:
I can tell the difference. I know when she is actually upset and when she just wants my attention or is trying to end a losing argument. It doesn’t help her case when she keeps looking up in between sniffles to see if I have noticed her display. Of course I will help because I am not a heartless beast, but nevertheless I will be annoyed and in return I will pretend to be comforting.

9. Her Fixation About Food Poisoning:
My girlfriend has a bizarre fear of food poisoning. Anytime either one of us has ever had a stomach ache she has been convinced it is from spoiled food and that things are going to be dire and possibly deadly from there. It only takes the slightest hint of a stomach gurgling for her to be in the fridge throwing out various foodstuffs that she has become convinced are hazardous because they have been in there untouched for two days straight. I have seen her throw out unexpired products in packaging that can’t be seen through because she is certain without any evidence that the contents have suddenly turned rotten.
Although to be fair, having tasted food she has prepared, her fear is probably not completely unreasonable.

10. Writing Blog Posts About Me:
Sometimes I come home to find she has written a very important draft about how lazy, obnoxious or unkind I have been that day. This rather rude shock would for most people be fair grounds for an argument, but in this case I have chosen to give her a taste of her own medicine.

However, if after reading this I am never heard from again, please assume that it was decided I had taken it too far and have been banned from the internet for life.
Send help plz

Reality Cheque

First things first, I’m a realist. A ridiculously painful realist, according to my girlfriend. They say opposites attract, but they failed to mention that they also have a tendency to annoy the crap out of each other. You see, my girlfriend, of course, is not a realist. Instead she has an unrelenting habit of swinging wildly between being an unbridled optimist and a hopeless pessimist. This combination makes for highly engaging discussions, or as I call them, lengthy arguments.

These vastly differing views are most easily recognised during certain topics, most recently during a conversation in which the subject of ‘Holidays’ was brought up.

You see, every now and then I come home to find that my girlfriend has decided that we should take a holiday. Ok, fair enough, reasonable so far.

Most of the time I suspect in the moments prior to this revelation she has scrolled through her Facebook page, saw that someone else was on holiday somewhere beautiful and her mind has kind of run away with that. Ok, fine, no dramas.

However, the conversation then usually takes place as follows:

pessimismMe:
I tentatively ask where she has in mind to visit, knowing it will most likely not be anywhere cost-effective or even accessible by car.

Her:
She replies with a suggestion of the furthest away place imaginable on the planet.

Me:
I tell her that she clearly has not thought about the costs and the fact that neither she nor I can afford to do that right now and I ask if she is refering to the distant future.

Her:
She ignores me and begins Googling flight times and prices for the end of the month.

Me:
I ask her how long she intends our holiday to be so I can calculate how many months of savings it would take to before we had sufficient funds.

Her:
She answers with an amount of time that doesn’t end in the word ‘days’.

Me:
I recommend that by shortening the duration we would be able to get there sooner.

Her:
She shows me images of must-see places that she has only just now heard of and says not to worry about the funds, as they will figure themselves out.

optimism

Me:
I make the mistake of mentioning ‘next year’.

Her:
She accuses me of both not listening to her and also not taking her suggestions seriously.

Me:
I listen carefully as she repeats her idea and timeframe and I tell her that she can’t be serious.

Her:
She starts to say ‘What’s the point?’ at lot and throws herself dramatically on the bed.

Me:
I make the mistake of mentioning the word ‘camping’.

Her:
She looks at me with horror, as if I just admitted to having raging long-term affair.

Me:
I assure her that despite my objections I want to go on a holiday too.

Her:
She says that if I really cared about her I would have already suprised her by booking this holiday that she has suddenly decided she wants.

Me:
My logic goes into overdrive and I am literally speechless.

Her:
She cries and says I have abandoned her in her time of need.

Me:
I eventually warm to her idea of an overseas holiday, but I insist that we need to have adequate time before it to prepare and save.

Her:
She immediately perks up and happily busies herself researching accomodation well beyond our means. The dates she types in also happen to be much earlier than my suggestion.

Me:
I check my bank balance.

Her:
She asks if she can borrow some money.

Me:
I self-combust.

— End Scene —

Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

Adventures in loserville-18

The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*