Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

Red Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

For others, help comes all too late.

Top 10 Reasons You Are Getting Laid

If you are moderately attractive, have nice hair and, in some cases also posses some form of personality, chances are you are or have been in a relationship. Sometimes during these relationships, physical contact is developed to express a mutual desire and love between the two individuals.
But most likely the real reason she is having sex you is because of one of the following:

1. She is filling in the time between meals.

2. She is stressed out about an upcoming event or work function and needs a distraction.

3. She is planning to ask you a favour.

4. The house was a mess and she chose intercourse over cleaning up.

5. She was watching / reading something much sexier than you.

6. She just helped a friend through an awful break-up and realised you aren’t that bad.

7. She felt crap about a comment someone made earlier and wants to forget about it for a while.

8. Her period is due soon so she wants to have some fun before things turn ugly.

9. She wanted to do some exercise without really working out.

10. She wanted to relax so she could get a good night’s rest.

11. You are wildly attractive and she couldn’t resist you.

Things I Need To Remind My Partner Of Every Week

• The bin gets collected on Wednesdays.

The bin was collected last Wednesday. The bin was collected every Wednesday before that. The bin will be collected this Wednesday. The bin has been collected every Wednesday. The bin needs to go out on Tuesday night because the bin gets collected on Wednesday.

• The washing doesn’t do itself.

Putting clothes into the washing machine is not the final step in the process of having clean clothes. Some form of wetting and drying needs to take place before these clothes can be worn again. As automatic pegs do not yet exist at this stage, light manual work is required.

• We don’t have a dishwasher.

Additionally, simply piling up dishes and using every clean utensil left does not guarantee that earlier used items will be ready for use again by the time you have completely cleared out the cupboard.

• I am still poor.

Yes, I would love to go out with you for dinner again this week. Yes, I would love to go away on holiday somewhere at some point soon. No, I have not suddenly earned significantly more this week than I did last week. No, your apparent starvation is not what our emergency money is for.

• We still cannot buy a dog.

Unfortunately, as our rental unit hasn’t suddenly grown itself a backyard, we will be unable to buy every puppy at the pet store. Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

• I need down time.

What’s that? We finally have one night free together this week? Sure, invite a gaggle of friends around that I have to cook for, or plan a social event that I have to drive to. Better yet, don’t tell me until I get home ready to relax, then spring it on me that I should keep my shoes on because we are heading out to pick everyone up.

• Making the bed is not the same as cleaning the house.

I don’t know how to explain this any clearer. It’s like putting a hat on a dog and calling it a person. No amount of smoothing out a quilt cover or stuffing clothes into a wardrobe will make the floors and benchtops any cleaner.

• In keeping with this, if you come up with some sort of system in your wardrobe then you will not have to pull everything out to find something.

Perhaps before you ‘tidy up’ by forcing the door shut on your avalanche of clothes, maybe say to yourself: ‘Pants go here’, ‘Tops go there.’ It really is as hard as that.

• The car needs petrol.

I appreciate you leaving just enough in the tank so that I break down just as I arrive at the petrol station, but I am not sure I get the same sort of thrill driving with the little petrol gauge light blinking as you must.

• Please note: If I leave the house without my phone, there is a slight chance I will NOT die.

There may be times that I forget my phone, or worse, I choose to walk to the shop down the road without it. As this crisis occurs almost every week, please try to keep in mind that I still exist even when you cannot see me or talk to me. Please wait at least 20 mins before panicking about what to say to the local news channel who are no doubt working with the Police to find me.

Alternatively, if I have my phone with me and I do not contact you back straight away when you are trying to tell me important information about what kind of sandwich you are currently eating, this is not grounds to believe that I have left you and am not coming back.

• And another thing, I still don’t like Olives or Mushrooms.

Continuing to suggest dinner ideas with olives or mushrooms in it does not increase my appetite for them. Sometimes people can care about each other but still like different things. There is nothing wrong with your ideas, I JUST DON’T LIKE OLIVES OR MUSHROOMS.