Red Flags In Relationships

So you’ve decided to piss off your single friends and find yourself a snuggle buddy? Good for you. You’ve gone and fallen head first into something that seems to you to be dream-like and magical and all that crap ad nauseam. You are probably blissfully unaware that everybody right now is judging your choices and trying to figure out if this will last he year, or even beyond next week. As we can only assume that you are now incapacitated to make logical decisions, we have decided to put together an unbiased guide to help you to recognise if you are dating what we in the literary field call an ass-wipe.

red flagsRed Flags:
There are typical behaviours, some more subtle than others, that can help in the early stages to determine whether you are headed down the road of happiness or alternatively if you are likely to come out in the end feeling like Adele. These are known as ‘red flags’ because in history, red flags have been commonly used to mark annoying things like socialist revolutions and spam*. By spotting a metaphorical red flag early you can avoid the danger of being in regrettable or even boring relationship.

If you have spot any of the behaviours listed below then start packing a bag and make plans to flee in the dead of night, or if you prefer,  dump their ass in the day.

Behaviour:
Constantly pushing that button-thingy at traffic lights when waiting to cross the road.
Indication: 
They are either the worst kind of impatient person; the kind who doesn’t think they are impatient, or a chronic masterbater. Take your pick.

read flag 3

I demand ye stop whilst I cross this road! #VivaLaPedestrian

Behaviour:
Is not compatible with your taste in food.
Indication:
I’m sorry, but food trumps everything. They don’t like mexican food? Adios, amigo.

Behaviour:
Has not deleted their internet browser history recently.
Indication:
Clearly does harbour any tenderness or genuine affection for you as they have not looked up any explicit videos containing pornstars with similar hair colour to you.

red flag 2

Unnecessarily wearing a hat indoors can be a red flag, as is flying red flags. 

Behaviour:
Has never watched an episode of The Simpsons.
Indication:
Pretentious sociopath and potential serial killer.

Behaviour:
Has watched every episode of The Simpsons
(including everything from Season 10 onwards. *shudders*)
Indication:
Deranged sociopath and potential serial killer.
– also applies to anyone who has willingly watched ‘Two and a Half Men’

Behaviour:
Uses words like ‘thusly’ outside of an essay setting.
Indication:
Nerd i.e lacking in social skills.

Behaviour:
Shows moderate to little levels of excitement when in the presence of puppies.
Indication:
Possible humanoid robot assigned by the government to spy on your activities, or just another run-of-the-mill serial killer.

Behaviour:
Says things like ‘this would make a great status update’.
Indication:
Only using you as a ‘trophy-wife’ type of date, which is of course extremely flattering and therefore you should be grateful.

Behaviour:
Doesn’t say ‘bless you’ or anything to that extent after you sneeze.
Indication:
Self-involved shell of a person, incapable of expressing or feeling love towards another human being.

sneeze

Moments later, Wendy discovers that her lover is an utter prick.

Remember: Nothing on Facebook is ever really deleted so choose wisely whom you are associated with. Don’t let your friends win by looking like they were insightful geniuses way back at the start. Break up with that loser you are with now, before it is too late.

*This entire post has been marked as spam by the authors.

 

hello

For others, help comes all too late.

Top 10 Reasons You Are Getting Laid

If you are moderately attractive, have nice hair and, in some cases also posses some form of personality, chances are you are or have been in a relationship. Sometimes during these relationships, physical contact is developed to express a mutual desire and love between the two individuals.
But most likely the real reason she is having sex you is because of one of the following:

1. She is filling in the time between meals.

2. She is stressed out about an upcoming event or work function and needs a distraction.

3. She is planning to ask you a favour.

4. The house was a mess and she chose intercourse over cleaning up.

5. She was watching / reading something much sexier than you.

6. She just helped a friend through an awful break-up and realised you aren’t that bad.

7. She felt crap about a comment someone made earlier and wants to forget about it for a while.

8. Her period is due soon so she wants to have some fun before things turn ugly.

9. She wanted to do some exercise without really working out.

10. She wanted to relax so she could get a good night’s rest.

11. You are wildly attractive and she couldn’t resist you.

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Things I Need To Remind My Partner Of Every Week

  • The bin gets collected on Wednesdays.

The bin was collected last Wednesday. The bin was collected every Wednesday before that. The bin will be collected this Wednesday. The bin has been collected every Wednesday. The bin needs to go out on Tuesday night because the bin gets collected on Wednesday.

  • The washing doesn’t do itself.

Putting clothes into the washing machine is not the final step in the process of having clean clothes. Some form of wetting and drying needs to take place before these clothes can be worn again. As automatic pegs do not yet exist at this stage, light manual work is required.

  • We don’t have a dishwasher.

Additionally, simply piling up dishes and using every clean utensil left does not guarantee that earlier used items will be ready for use again by the time you have completely cleared out the cupboard.

  • I am still poor.

Yes, I would love to go out with you for dinner again this week. Yes, I would love to go away on holiday somewhere at some point soon. No, I have not suddenly earned significantly more this week than I did last week. No, your apparent starvation is not what our emergency money is for.Adventures in loserville-18

  • We still cannot buy a dog.

Unfortunately, as our rental unit hasn’t suddenly grown itself a backyard, we will be unable to buy every puppy at the pet store. Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

  • I need down time.

What’s that? We finally have one night free together this week? Sure, invite a gaggle of friends around that I have to cook for, or plan a social event that I have to drive to. Better yet, don’t tell me until I get home ready to relax, then spring it on me that I should keep my shoes on because we are heading out to pick everyone up.

  • Making the bed is not the same as cleaning the house.

I don’t know how to explain this any clearer. It’s like putting a hat on a dog and calling it a person. No amount of smoothing out a quilt cover or stuffing clothes into a wardrobe will make the floors and benchtops any cleaner.

  • In keeping with this, if you come up with some sort of system in your wardrobe then you will not have to pull everything out to find something.

Perhaps before you ‘tidy up’ by forcing the door shut on your avalanche of clothes, maybe say to yourself: ‘Pants go here’, ‘Tops go there.’ It really is as hard as that.

  • The car needs petrol.

I appreciate you leaving just enough in the tank so that I break down just as I arrive at the petrol station, but I am not sure I get the same sort of thrill driving with the little petrol gauge light blinking as you must.

  • Please note: If I leave the house without my phone, there is a slight chance I will NOT die.

There may be times that I forget my phone, or worse, I choose to walk to the shop down the road without it. As this crisis occurs almost every week, please try to keep in mind that I still exist even when you cannot see me or talk to me. Please wait at least 20 mins before panicking about what to say to the local news channel who are no doubt working with the Police to find me.

Alternatively, if I have my phone with me and I do not contact you back straight away when you are trying to tell me important information about what kind of sandwich you are currently eating, this is not grounds to believe that I have left you and am not coming back.

  • And another thing, I still don’t like Olives or Mushrooms.

Continuing to suggest dinner ideas with olives or mushrooms in it does not increase my appetite for them. Sometimes people can care about each other but still like different things. There is nothing wrong with your ideas, I JUST DON’T LIKE OLIVES OR MUSHROOMS.

Online Dating: How To Separate Eligible Human Beings From The Rest

Generally when people are behind the shield of the interwebs they naturally become obnoxious liars.  In online dating in particular, some users tend to embellish truths about themselves in order to appear less grotesque and undateable than they are.

And so, we have been forced by society to decipher the code that is used by many when creating a online dating profile.

Use this guide to determine who is worthy of getting into your inbox and whom shall be blocked.

TERM USED      Vs    ACTUAL REALITY

Cute: Has a distinct inability to be considered sexy by their friends.

No time-wasters: Desperately watching their biological clock run out.

Likes children: Hacked.

Mature: Haggered and at deaths door.

Looking to experiment: Not yet able to find a single person willing to have sex with them.

Looking for a good time: Not interested in whether you also have a good time.

Social smoker / drinker: A smoker / drinker with a very limited income.

Hot: Questionable intelligence levels.

Open-minded: Hoping others will be open-minded when they later disclose that they have several children.

Looking for a change: Has left a trail of destroyed relationships behind them.

Starting a new chapter: Clearly is a recently released prisoner.

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My friends describe me as…: Their friends have no knowledge of this profile, have never said this and indeed may not be actual people.

Intelligent: Knows the difference between ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’.

New to the dating scene: Was pressured to make this profile after growing concerns from friends and family.

Looking to develop something permanent: Looking for a live-in cleaner and cook.

Looking for Mr Right: Desperately looking to not be the last single person in their friendship group.

Sexy: Sexually aroused by mirrors.

Seeks 18-25yr old: Delusional.

Blogger: Too many personal issues to mention.

What We Have Learnt From Tinder

The desire to communicate with only good-looking people is a very real, desperate need for most humans. Dating, casual sex, (and to a lesser extent, meaningful relationships) are all a wonderful part of life. And so, Tinder has come to our rescue, to ensure that only the highest quality of people dare to speak to us and address us by our alleged name.

According to our thorough and pathetic research, our studies have shown that if you are using Tinder, it is mandatory that your profile photos contain the following:

Males
– A shirtless photo
– A photo sporting a beard and/or sunglasses to make it hard to determine how attractive you really are
– Drinking photo

Females
– Bathroom Selfie
– Bikini shot
– Photo with a more attractive female friend(s) without specifying which one you are


In addition, should someone be bothered to find out a single thing about your personality before they swipe right on yo’ fine ass, you will need to include the following:

Males
– Your height (real or wishful)
– If you have ever picked up a barbell and attempted a bench press, you better mention it here
– Throw the terms ‘fun times’, ‘chilled’ and ‘cool’ in there
– “Drinkin’ with ma bois” also appears to be a favourite hobby amongst the gentlemen

Females
– A link to your ‘really inspiring’ instagram photos
– If you are blonde, it is important that you reiterate this here, in case your photos were not clear enough
– Throw the terms ‘travel’ and ‘having fun’ and ‘looking to meet new people’ in there somewhere
– If you are not looking to hook-up and are “In a relationship”, please note this statement will often be interpreted as “Not in a relationship”

The principle theory of Tinder is that it is perfectly fine to judge a book by it’s cover, especially if you don’t plan to read it or call it the next day.

If you have followed these simple rules for your profile, then you too will be happily matched in no time to the nearest douche-bag or tart.

Good luck!

In Sickness and In Convenient Times

When a single person gets sick and nobody is around, it is fair for them to assume they will die alone and become the subject of newspaper headings containing phrases such as ‘found three days later’, ‘strange smell from next door’ and/or ‘lonely spinster’.

When a person in a relationship is faced with a sick partner, an equally unfair series of events unfold.

In theory:
Your partner will inevitably get sick from time to time. It is understood that when your significant other is sick they will expect some form of sympathy from you. This should be offered without hesitation.

In practice:
Your partner may get sick at times that are inconvenient to your plans, or claim sickness much more frequently than you had been made aware of in the initial stages of dating. Furthermore, your partner will inevitably at some point, exaggerate the duration of their sickness in order to get some additional attention. It is understood that no sympathy will be given to you, the healthier, kinder specimen, as you wait on them hand and foot during their apparent spout of headaches or mysterious cough which miraculously disappears during their favourite TV shows. You should know when to pick your battles without hesitation.

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Opposedly, should the situation reverse and you get sick, it is fair to forget the tedious tasks you were forced to endure in the name of sickness. You rightfully wont recall how you felt unappreciated making your beloved dinner night after night due to a blocked nose they felt several days earlier. Your health is the most important thing you have, so you should not risk injuring your back on top of everything else by going and getting a glass of water yourself. If they really loved you they would understand.

Note: This remains the case unless you or your partner cry ‘Period Pain’ which trumps everything and should be tended to with the utmost forms of sympathy and gifts.

Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

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The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

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If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.