How to Move House Efficiently and Effortlessly

Moving house can be an overwhelming task; it is time consuming and quickly becomes evident that you have way too much crap and not enough brain capacity or physical space to deal with it all. With this in mind, we have created a guide on how to move house without the added burden of actually getting your shit organised. Just by following these simple steps you can cut down on the clutter and move into your new place with ease.

Moving House 101:

  • This is not the time to get sentimental, old school books and childhood toys belong in the bin along with any other remnants of broken dreams.
  • Realise that you only wear maybe four entirely different outfits and that the rest come under the ‘only suitable as sleepwear’ category. If you wouldn’t be caught dead outside wearing it then let someone at the charity store decide if they will be.
  • Forget about how much money new furniture will cost and assume you will somehow acquire vast new amounts of money in your new house. Become the local hero and have the charity shop come and pick up all your furniture for donation. You will probably be back within days to buy it back at an inflated cost, but if the delivery fee is less than the moving van would have cost then you, my friend, are a genius.

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  • Question whether you really need to bring those board games to the new house. You know, the ones you intend to play with your supposed friends during a weekly games night that has so far been a mere fantasy in your life?
  • Give away every glass item you have to avoid having to wrap anything with care.
  • Books you have no intention of ever finishing or reading again can graciously find there way next the fifteen copies of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in the charity shop.

  • Say adios to that novelty sombrero you have hanging up. There are enough photos on Facebook for everyone to remember how carefree and fun you are. We get it, you were the life of the party that one night.
  • Your plastic Christmas tree has seen better days. Let it die in dignity on your front lawn, awaiting a better life as landfill via the council garbage truck. It’s what baby Jesus would have wanted.
  • If you are unsure of an item, put it in a garbage bag, then let it get lost in the mess and eventually throw it out by mistake.
  • Get brutal with every cup, fork, spoon, pen, piece of paper, DVD, pair of sunglasses, light bulb, spare battery and every single other bit of anything that you ever had the idiocy to drag into the house. Tell yourself that everything minuscule, insignificant thing that is anywhere inside this house needs to be found, touched, sorted and moved somewhere else. Knowing this usually builds enough stress to make you chuck out anything regardless of value. Cull it like its hot.

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Good Grammar or Die

Now I’m not a snob nor am I perfect, most of the time, but when it comes to spelling and grammar, if you wish to communicate with me I expect you to be on your A-game.

Sure, there are some errors I may be able to bring myself to overlook, especially if you are good-looking, but there are other cases where I will simply will not show any mercy.

grammar

I have listed here a general guide for anyone wishing to interact with me which can also be applied to anyone whose Facebook status updates, due to friendship, I am forced to endure.

Rule 1:
“His so cute.”
= No.

Rule 2:
“I went their to use there pool.”
= No. No, you did not.

Rule 3:
“I should of said.”
= No, you should not have.

Rule 4:
“Definately.”
= No.

Rule 5:
“Your so right.”
= So wrong.

Rule 6:
“Its hot in here.”
= ’tisn’t

Rule 7:
grammar2

Rule 8:
“It was to short.”
= ‘fraid not.

Rule 9:
“Me and my friends went.”
= Nope.

Rule 10:

“I’m taller then you.”
= What?

Rule 11:
“I seen him.”
= Nope.

Rule 12:
“I already done that.”
= Not even close.

Rule 13: 
“I want to loose weight.”
= How?

Rule 14:
“Whose going to the party?”
= Is he?

Rule 11:
“I didnt no were yous where.”
= Kill me now.


Jobs You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Do

Ok, so a job is a job. I get it. We all need money. Trust me, I do understand – in fact, while we are on the topic, can I borrow a fiver? I’m good for it, I swear.

Anyway, let’s face it, some jobs are better than others. …And some jobs suck so bad that unemployment begins to seem like a step up in the world.

I have had a few jobs in my time; some good, some buried in my consciousness and deleted entirely from my resume`.

For the most part, being an adult and having to go to work is not the barrel of laughs and riches I envisioned when playing ‘mummies and daddies’ as a child. In fact, there are some jobs which I have now come to realise that you couldn’t pay me enough to do.

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Being a chef:

Learning amazing culinary skills only to spend your time sweating in front of stove with a millions orders being thrown at you and Gordon-Ramsay-style management going on around you sounds like a nightmare. A kitchen nightmare. From what I’ve heard most chefs end up feeding their kids two-minute noodles because they have spent too much of their time already cooking for other people. Sure you can cook great food, but its probably best to kept that secret to yourself and work in less stressful environment. Unless you enjoy working under pressure, in which case WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN LIST OF BAD JOBS.

Working in the fashion industry:

First all I would probably be sent home on day one anyway not only because I have cheap (read: terrible) fashion sense but because I would be rolling my eyes so frequently that it would appear I had contracted some sort of illness. And don’t get me started on female runway models because if I had to work as some sort of assistant to one of those aliens I would be living in absolute fear of being stepped on by their giant legs or accidentally breaking one of their rib bones as I brushed past them towards the catering cart.

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Cleaning:

Self-explanatory really. I barely clean my own messes up, so don’t expect me to start cleaning up yours. Any job toilet-related or containing the words “bodily fluids” and yep, you guessed it, that price just can’t go high enough.

Working for a fast-food chain:

Ok, so most of us have all been there or are currently trapped there; in that middle ground (Mordor) between student and “adulting”. To put it bluntly, on a good day you will most likely encounter incompetent management by ‘senior’ staff members who are neither your superior by age nor intellectual capacity.

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Working in retail:

Again, most of us have been here and some days that measly minimum wage just isn’t cutting it for what is (sometimes literally) thrown at you. Let’s just say, adequate training for this job should be to practise how to delicately navigate your way around the following scenario: “An irate customer hands you a product and says they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this moron customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy it from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this dimwit customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back.”

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What It Is Really Like To Be In A Band

Some people choose to follow their dreams and join a band. Others have real jobs.

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If, for whatever misguided reasons, you have decided to become a performer in a band, you will know that it is far from the glamorous, elegant, sophisticated lifestyle that Courtney Love had us believe. Inevitably at any gig you play, no matter how good you think your band is, you will find that you encounter at least one or more of the following:

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  1. Playing to people who are too drunk to notice you playing.
  2. Having abuse shouted at you from people who have noticed you playing.
  3. Having requests to play songs that not suitable at all for the style you are playing.
  4. Having requests to play obscure songs by artists that neither you nor anybody else in the room has ever heard of.
  5. Having requests to play songs that you already performed before this person turned up.
  6. Having requests to play songs that you already performed while this person wasn’t listening.
  7. Playing requested songs and then realising that the person who requested it has left.

Rock on.

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A Strongly-Worded Open Letter: Arnott’s Scotch Fingers

Dear Mr and / or Mrs Arnott,

It is with deep, choc-coated sadness that I regret to inform you of my dissatisfaction with one of your delicious, possibly wholesome biscuit snacks. I refer here to one of your self-appointed ‘favourites’, notably, the classic Scotch Finger. (Fig 1.)
I will ignore that fact that you are clearly sending jobs overseas by promoting Scottish goods instead of introducing an Australia Finger, and instead focus your attention to the dilemma which rests within the engineering of the product itself.

scotch 1

Fig 1, in case you forgot what your own product looks like.

You see, given the design of the Scotch finger, we have been misled into believing that this product can be shared and eaten in finger-sized portions. The dented middle-line teases us with a sense of wonderment as if to ensure us that yes, we can break this directly down the middle, every time.

WRONG.

I conducted a full packet of research to support my theory that this breakage line is a fallacy and the result? Only two of my biscuits successfully broke apart into separate fingers. And this was only possible after I had developed a technique, formulated throughout the experience, which involved forceful wrist movements and a set of pliers.

I put it to to you sir, or madam, that you have created a faulty product that, despite appearances, fails to deliver. Just imagine the collective embarrassment that little old ladies are facing daily across the nation as they hand over to their guests biscuit samples that look like this:

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Fig 2. Warning: Image may be disturbing to some viewers.

I don’t often go out of my way to make complaints to companies more than once a week, but on this instance I simply could not stay silent. Like a Scotch Finger being pulled apart with both hands, I have reached my breaking point.

If I see no action has been taken in the future, I will be left with no choice but to bis-cott your products.
Please rectify this problem as soon as possible or I will left with only my own finger to dunk into my tea and you will have a lawsuit on your hands.

Although, given that you are now well over the ripe old age of 150 years at this point, I will forgive if there is a slight delay in your response. However, with the obvious urgency of this matter, I would like to see to it that this issue is prioritised at your next meeting.

Please unite to divide the Scotch Finger correctly.

Remember: There is no substitute for quality. scotch 3

 

Yours sincerely,

Tim Tam.

 

Fifty Shades of Grey (Film Review)

I loosened my belt.
There was a burning desire between my legs.
I couldn’t take it anymore.
I wished no one was around.
I bit down on my my lip.
“I can’t do it here,” I thought wildly to myself.

I desperately needed to pee.

I made two mistakes when watching ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Firstly, buying a ticket, and secondly, assuming that such cinematic trash would last no more than 90 minutes. However, having already spent my hard-earned 10 bucks, (we can’t all work occasionally at a hardware store and still afford an apartment), I was, much like the plot-line, determined not to go anywhere.

You can find out a lot about a man by looking through his wardrobe. This guy: Total weirdo.

You can find out a lot about a man by looking through his wardrobe. This guy: Total weirdo.

Creepy guy hits on girl… literally.
In case you have been living under a rock, which I would genuinely like to consider moving closer to, we are all now up to speed.

It was somewhere between the second appearance of a symbolic thunderstorm and another product placement of a Mac computer, that I realised, not only is my girlfriend that annoying person who checks her phone during movies, but that the entire movie can be summed up with: “But baby, I want it. Come on. You’ll like it. Just try it. …Sign here, pls.”
I have seen more depth in character when viewing Bold and the Beautiful with no sound on in my doctor’s waiting room.
I expected the creepy rich guy to murder someone, and by the end I was hoping that person would be me. They say it is a story about a tortured soul, but sadly they failed to mention that they were referring to anyone who finds themselves squirming in the movie cinema chairs. When Christian said he was going to punish her I was expecting him to make her sit through the whole film.

fifty shades 1

Many viewers found relief by bringing along a blindfold.

I mean, I’m all for feminists (provided they’re good-looking) and their views that the story might be a tad violent rather than healthy, but the important message that I, personally, will take away from this, is that it has reconfirmed what it is that I really love: Money.

Score:
1 unnecessary Rita Ora cameo out of 5

10 Signs That You Are A Nerd

A list to help you find out if you are a nerd – just in case you weren’t already aware.
(Trust me, everybody else already thinks you are anyway.)

  1. When you discover that someone you are interested in displays poor grammar and spelling skills, you begin to find them less sexually attractive.
  2. Under your list of ‘Hobbies / Interests’ you would considered including ‘The Internet’.
  3. In exam conditions, you take a few back-up pens in case your good pen runs out. And also a couple of back-up pens for your back-up pens.
  4. Another sign you are a nerd:

    nerd

    You are desperately trying to ignore that non-capitalised ‘y’, aren’t you?

  5. You have been on a social outing with some people and had that feeling of concern that someone will take a photo and that somebody will tag you in it and that somebody else might see it and tell someone at work and then that someone at work will know that you were with someone else and why you really missed that one day of work.
  6. You are about to re-read the previous sentence to make sure you completely understood it.
  7. You commonly use the term ‘awkward’ when describing yourself to others.
  8. You have no shame in enjoying puns.
  9. You are well acquainted with Thesaurus.com
  10. The ultimate sign you are a nerd:
    You read this whole thing.
    …Loser.