How to Move House Efficiently and Effortlessly

Moving house can be an overwhelming task; it is time consuming and quickly becomes evident that you have way too much crap and not enough brain capacity or physical space to deal with it all. With this in mind, we have created a guide on how to move house without the added burden of actually getting your shit organised. Just by following these simple steps you can cut down on the clutter and move into your new place with ease.

Moving House 101:

  • This is not the time to get sentimental, old school books and childhood toys belong in the bin along with any other remnants of broken dreams.
  • Realise that you only wear maybe four entirely different outfits and that the rest come under the ‘only suitable as sleepwear’ category. If you wouldn’t be caught dead outside wearing it then let someone at the charity store decide if they will be.
  • Forget about how much money new furniture will cost and assume you will somehow acquire vast new amounts of money in your new house. Become the local hero and have the charity shop come and pick up all your furniture for donation. You will probably be back within days to buy it back at an inflated cost, but if the delivery fee is less than the moving van would have cost then you, my friend, are a genius.

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  • Question whether you really need to bring those board games to the new house. You know, the ones you intend to play with your supposed friends during a weekly games night that has so far been a mere fantasy in your life?
  • Give away every glass item you have to avoid having to wrap anything with care.
  • Books you have no intention of ever finishing or reading again can graciously find there way next the fifteen copies of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in the charity shop.

  • Say adios to that novelty sombrero you have hanging up. There are enough photos on Facebook for everyone to remember how carefree and fun you are. We get it, you were the life of the party that one night.
  • Your plastic Christmas tree has seen better days. Let it die in dignity on your front lawn, awaiting a better life as landfill via the council garbage truck. It’s what baby Jesus would have wanted.
  • If you are unsure of an item, put it in a garbage bag, then let it get lost in the mess and eventually throw it out by mistake.
  • Get brutal with every cup, fork, spoon, pen, piece of paper, DVD, pair of sunglasses, light bulb, spare battery and every single other bit of anything that you ever had the idiocy to drag into the house. Tell yourself that everything minuscule, insignificant thing that is anywhere inside this house needs to be found, touched, sorted and moved somewhere else. Knowing this usually builds enough stress to make you chuck out anything regardless of value. Cull it like its hot.

Good Grammar or Die

Now I’m not a snob nor am I perfect, most of the time, but when it comes to spelling and grammar, if you wish to communicate with me I expect you to be on your A-game.

Sure, there are some errors I may be able to bring myself to overlook, especially if you are good-looking, but there are other cases where I will simply will not show any mercy.

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I have listed here a general guide for anyone wishing to interact with me which can also be applied to anyone whose Facebook status updates, due to friendship, I am forced to endure.

Rule 1:
“His so cute.”
= No.

Rule 2:
“I went their to use there pool.”
= No. No, you did not.

Rule 3:
“I should of said.”
= No, you should not have.

Rule 4:
“Definately.”
= No.

Rule 5:
“Your so right.”
= So wrong.

Rule 6:
“Its hot in here.”
= ’tisn’t

Rule 7:
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Rule 8:
“It was to short.”
= ‘fraid not.

Rule 9:
“Me and my friends went.”
= Nope.

Rule 10:

“I’m taller then you.”
= What?

Rule 11:
“I seen him.”
= Nope.

Rule 12:
“I already done that.”
= Not even close.

Rule 13: 
“I want to loose weight.”
= How?

Rule 14:
“Whose going to the party?”
= Is he?

Rule 11:
“I didnt no were yous where.”
= Kill me now.


Jobs You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Do

Ok, so a job is a job. I get it. We all need money. Trust me, I do understand – in fact, while we are on the topic, can I borrow a fiver? I’m good for it, I swear.

Anyway, let’s face it, some jobs are better than others. …And some jobs suck so bad that unemployment begins to seem like a step up in the world.

I have had a few jobs in my time; some good, some buried in my consciousness and deleted entirely from my resume`.

For the most part, being an adult and having to go to work is not the barrel of laughs and riches I envisioned when playing ‘mummies and daddies’ as a child. In fact, there are some jobs which I have now come to realise that you couldn’t pay me enough to do.

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Being a chef:

Learning amazing culinary skills only to spend your time sweating in front of stove with a millions orders being thrown at you and Gordon-Ramsay-style management going on around you sounds like a nightmare. A kitchen nightmare. From what I’ve heard most chefs end up feeding their kids two-minute noodles because they have spent too much of their time already cooking for other people. Sure you can cook great food, but its probably best to kept that secret to yourself and work in less stressful environment. Unless you enjoy working under pressure, in which case WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN LIST OF BAD JOBS.

Working in the fashion industry:

First all I would probably be sent home on day one anyway not only because I have cheap (read: terrible) fashion sense but because I would be rolling my eyes so frequently that it would appear I had contracted some sort of illness. And don’t get me started on female runway models because if I had to work as some sort of assistant to one of those aliens I would be living in absolute fear of being stepped on by their giant legs or accidentally breaking one of their rib bones as I brushed past them towards the catering cart.

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Cleaning:

Self-explanatory really. I barely clean my own messes up, so don’t expect me to start cleaning up yours. Any job toilet-related or containing the words “bodily fluids” and yep, you guessed it, that price just can’t go high enough.

Working for a fast-food chain:

Ok, so most of us have all been there or are currently trapped there; in that middle ground (Mordor) between student and “adulting”. To put it bluntly, on a good day you will most likely encounter incompetent management by ‘senior’ staff members who are neither your superior by age nor intellectual capacity.

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Working in retail:

Again, most of us have been here and some days that measly minimum wage just isn’t cutting it for what is (sometimes literally) thrown at you. Let’s just say, adequate training for this job should be to practise how to delicately navigate your way around the following scenario: “An irate customer hands you a product and says they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this moron customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy it from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this dimwit customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back.”

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