10 Things My Girlfriend Does That Pisses Me Off

They say that honesty is the best policy in relationships. And honestly, my girlfriend is absolutely the most ridiculously annoying person I have ever met. However, one must learn to pick their battles when cohabitating with another individual, so in this case I have chosen to instead air my grievances here under the guise of a somewhat amusing blog post.

And so, I present to you, the Top 10 things my girlfriend does that I choose not to have arguments about but secretly drives me nuts.

1. Writing To Do Lists:
Ok, great. Good start. A list of things you need to get done. No worries. Not so bad, right? In theory, it’s a good way to get motivated. However, pratically speaking: GO AND DO THEM.
Actually do them. Do something on that list. Do at least one thing on that list.
I have found draft copies of to-do lists in the bin and then the same lists in greater detail floating around the house. If ‘Wash Clothes’ is on your first list, stop writing and wash your clothes.
And who puts ‘Write A To Do List’ on their to-do list?


2. Never Shutting Doors:
I know when my girlfriend has been in the kitchen because EVERY SINGLE CUPBOARD DOOR IS OPEN. Firstly, how many doors did you need to open to get a bowl, cereal, milk and a spoon? Like 4 places max. And secondly CLOSE THE DOORS.

3. Talking About Money:
“But how much will that cost?” – Yes, I get it. Everything is expensive and we only have a finite number of dollars, but honestly, a dinner, once, somewhere semi-decent instead of grocery shopping is not going to financially bankrupt us. Relax. “How much more is it for a large coffee?” – Probably like 50 cents or something, who cares? If you want a large, get a large.

4. Not Looking For Things:
“Have you seen my jacket?” – It is generally understood by most that you should have had at least some sort of attempt at locating things before asking where they are. Most likely your jacket is in the wardrobe. The wardrobe where it is kept. The same wardrobe where it was the last time you saw it. As a general rule, if your jacket is not on you, then the first place to look is the wardrobe. If it is not there or on the washing line, only then you may recruit me or someone else to help look for you, because otherwise my answer is probably going to be “Have you checked the wardrobe?”

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5. Loyalty Cards:
My girlfriend owns a loyalty card for every single place she has been to even if she has no intention of buying anything from there ever again. Seriously, she has a whole wallet full of them. She must have been on some sort of high when she redeemed a free coffee once after having bought nine others previously. Apparently she thinks that by signing up and buying things she has come up with some sort of flawless scam for getting free shit.
“Sure I’ll give you my email address so you can send me annoying daily advertisements in exchange for 10% off a purchase six months from now, SUCKER.”

6. Talking About Her Own Health When I Am Sick:
Ok, this one sounds a bit selfish, but I don’t get sick often and when I do I expect some kind of help in my weakened state. Quite often though, I feel that any illness I have contracted just reminds my girlfriend about how she could also have contracted this too. It’s funny how when I tell her “My throat is really sore,” she will often respond with “Actually I think I might be losing my voice too,” after only hearing her wildly singing in the shower minutes earlier. (And to be honest after hearing it, one can only hope she really is losing her voice.) Me being sick seems to fire up some sort of competitive nature within her, or perhaps she doesn’t like being left out and wants some sympathy back. I expect that if I ever break my leg she will be more than willing to help by informing me that she, herself, hurt her knee earlier and it still hasn’t felt right since. Comforting.

7. Forgetfulness:
Ok, so this is a quality that many people have and it shouldn’t be such a big deal. Except that my girlfriend has a habit of being forgetful at very inopportune moments. It is usually after we have driven away from the house and are about to arrive somewhere like an airport, or a cinema, or at a surprise party, or at work or basically anywhere where a time-frame is important that she will suddenly burst out with the likes of “I think I left my hair straightener and possibly the stove on.”

8. Pretending To Cry:
I can tell the difference. I know when she is actually upset and when she just wants my attention or is trying to end a losing argument. It doesn’t help her case when she keeps looking up in between sniffles to see if I have noticed her display. Of course I will help because I am not a heartless beast, but nevertheless I will be annoyed and in return I will pretend to be comforting.

9. Her Fixation About Food Poisoning:
My girlfriend has a bizarre fear of food poisoning. Anytime either one of us has ever had a stomach ache she has been convinced it is from spoiled food and that things are going to be dire and possibly deadly from there. It only takes the slightest hint of a stomach gurgling for her to be in the fridge throwing out various foodstuffs that she has become convinced are hazardous because they have been in there untouched for two days straight. I have seen her throw out unexpired products in packaging that can’t be seen through because she is certain without any evidence that the contents have suddenly turned rotten.
Although to be fair, having tasted food she has prepared, her fear is probably not completely unreasonable.

10. Writing Blog Posts About Me:
Sometimes I come home to find she has written a very important draft about how lazy, obnoxious or unkind I have been that day. This rather rude shock would for most people be fair grounds for an argument, but in this case I have chosen to give her a taste of her own medicine.

However, if after reading this I am never heard from again, please assume that it was decided I had taken it too far and have been banned from the internet for life.
Send help plz

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Reality Cheque

First things first, I’m a realist. A ridiculously painful realist, according to my girlfriend. They say opposites attract, but they failed to mention that they also have a tendency to annoy the crap out of each other. You see, my girlfriend, of course, is not a realist. Instead she has an unrelenting habit of swinging wildly between being an unbridled optimist and a hopeless pessimist. This combination makes for highly engaging discussions, or as I call them, lengthy arguments.

These vastly differing views are most easily recognised during certain topics, most recently during a conversation in which the subject of ‘Holidays’ was brought up.

You see, every now and then I come home to find that my girlfriend has decided that we should take a holiday. Ok, fair enough, reasonable so far.

Most of the time I suspect in the moments prior to this revelation she has scrolled through her Facebook page, saw that someone else was on holiday somewhere beautiful and her mind has kind of run away with that. Ok, fine, no dramas.

However, the conversation then usually takes place as follows:

pessimismMe:
I tentatively ask where she has in mind to visit, knowing it will most likely not be anywhere cost-effective or even accessible by car.

Her:
She replies with a suggestion of the furthest away place imaginable on the planet.

Me:
I tell her that she clearly has not thought about the costs and the fact that neither she nor I can afford to do that right now and I ask if she is refering to the distant future.

Her:
She ignores me and begins Googling flight times and prices for the end of the month.

Me:
I ask her how long she intends our holiday to be so I can calculate how many months of savings it would take to before we had sufficient funds.

Her:
She answers with an amount of time that doesn’t end in the word ‘days’.

Me:
I recommend that by shortening the duration we would be able to get there sooner.

Her:
She shows me images of must-see places that she has only just now heard of and says not to worry about the funds, as they will figure themselves out.

optimism

Me:
I make the mistake of mentioning ‘next year’.

Her:
She accuses me of both not listening to her and also not taking her suggestions seriously.

Me:
I listen carefully as she repeats her idea and timeframe and I tell her that she can’t be serious.

Her:
She starts to say ‘What’s the point?’ at lot and throws herself dramatically on the bed.

Me:
I make the mistake of mentioning the word ‘camping’.

Her:
She looks at me with horror, as if I just admitted to having raging long-term affair.

Me:
I assure her that despite my objections I want to go on a holiday too.

Her:
She says that if I really cared about her I would have already suprised her by booking this holiday that she has suddenly decided she wants.

Me:
My logic goes into overdrive and I am literally speechless.

Her:
She cries and says I have abandoned her in her time of need.

Me:
I eventually warm to her idea of an overseas holiday, but I insist that we need to have adequate time before it to prepare and save.

Her:
She immediately perks up and happily busies herself researching accomodation well beyond our means. The dates she types in also happen to be much earlier than my suggestion.

Me:
I check my bank balance.

Her:
She asks if she can borrow some money.

Me:
I self-combust.

— End Scene —

Same-Sex Marriage: USA vs AUS

A brief history of marriage equality as viewed by an Australian:

“Will you marry me?”
“Can’t. It’s illegal. Soz.”

bruno

“Sorry, not allowed.”

May 6, 1950
– Elizabeth Taylor* marries hotel heir Conrad “Nicky” Hilton, at age 18.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Jan 29, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Conrad “Nicky” Hilton after 9 months of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 21, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Michael Wilding, who is 20 years older than her and has previously been married.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

ring

“Can’t. Nvm.”

January 26, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Michael Wilding after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 2, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Mike Todd, whom is 20 years older than her, one month after her second divorce whilst pregnant with his child. This is also Mike Todd’s third marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 22, 1958
– Elizabeth Taylor’s husband Mike Todd dies and becomes the only marriage of hers not to end in divorce.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 12, 1959
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Eddie Fisher, who was best man at her previous wedding. He divorces his first wife to be with her, and will have a total of 5 marriages and 4 divorces in his lifetime.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

rude

“Good for you.”

March 6, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Eddie Fisher after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 15, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Richard Burton after the couple have an affair while both being married to other people.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

June 26, 1974
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 10, 1975
– Elizabeth Taylor remarries Richard Burton after being divorced from him for a year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

wedding

“Homosexuals need not apply.”

July 29, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton again after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

December 4, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor marries John Warner, who later becomes a United States Senator.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

November 7, 1982
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces John Warner after 6 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 6, 1991
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Larry Fortensky, whom she met in the Betty Ford rehab centre.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

MeetMeQuote

“Can’t. Soz.”

October 31, 1996
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Larry Fortensky after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 22, 2000
– Kim Kardashian marries music producer Damon Thomas, at age 19.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 3, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Jason Alexander at a Las Vegas chapel.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

juliet

“Government says ‘No!'”

January 5, 2004
– Britney Spears annuls her marriage to Jason Alexander 55 hours after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Feburary, 2004
– Kim Kardashian divorces Damon Thomas after 4 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 17, 2004
– Massachusetts becomes the first of many US jurisdictions to license and recognise same-sex marriage. In a surprise twist, an Apocalypse does not suddenly destroy the earth.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

magic

“Not allowed: Illegal.”

September 18, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline, a dancer whom she met the same year as her annulment and became engaged to after knowing each other for 3 months, after he left his pregnant fiancee.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July, 2006
– A same-sex couple become the first to divorce in USA. Against all predictions, the sanctity of marriage is not completely ruined for everyone else.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July 30, 2007
– Britney Spears divorces Kevin Federline after 3 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

August 20, 2011
– Kim Kardashian marries Kris Humphries after dating for 1 year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

June 3, 2013
– Kim Kasdashian divorces Kris Humphries after filing divorce papers 72 days after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

love

“Fanx 4 dat.”

May 24, 2014
– Kim Kardashian marries Kanye West, having dating him while her second divorce was being finalised.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

*Just to clarify, the actress Elizabeth Taylor was a goddess, don’t get me wrong. But seriously Australia, get your shit together so I can marry someone as hot as her at least once. 

gay marriage

USA: 1 AUS: 0

Top 10 Reasons You Are Getting Laid

If you are moderately attractive, have nice hair and, in some cases also posses some form of personality, chances are you are or have been in a relationship. Sometimes during these relationships, physical contact is developed to express a mutual desire and love between the two individuals.
But most likely the real reason she is having sex you is because of one of the following:

1. She is filling in the time between meals.

2. She is stressed out about an upcoming event or work function and needs a distraction.

3. She is planning to ask you a favour.

4. The house was a mess and she chose intercourse over cleaning up.

5. She was watching / reading something much sexier than you.

6. She just helped a friend through an awful break-up and realised you aren’t that bad.

7. She felt crap about a comment someone made earlier and wants to forget about it for a while.

8. Her period is due soon so she wants to have some fun before things turn ugly.

9. She wanted to do some exercise without really working out.

10. She wanted to relax so she could get a good night’s rest.

11. You are wildly attractive and she couldn’t resist you.

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Things I Need To Remind My Partner Of Every Week

  • The bin gets collected on Wednesdays.

The bin was collected last Wednesday. The bin was collected every Wednesday before that. The bin will be collected this Wednesday. The bin has been collected every Wednesday. The bin needs to go out on Tuesday night because the bin gets collected on Wednesday.

  • The washing doesn’t do itself.

Putting clothes into the washing machine is not the final step in the process of having clean clothes. Some form of wetting and drying needs to take place before these clothes can be worn again. As automatic pegs do not yet exist at this stage, light manual work is required.

  • We don’t have a dishwasher.

Additionally, simply piling up dishes and using every clean utensil left does not guarantee that earlier used items will be ready for use again by the time you have completely cleared out the cupboard.

  • I am still poor.

Yes, I would love to go out with you for dinner again this week. Yes, I would love to go away on holiday somewhere at some point soon. No, I have not suddenly earned significantly more this week than I did last week. No, your apparent starvation is not what our emergency money is for.Adventures in loserville-18

  • We still cannot buy a dog.

Unfortunately, as our rental unit hasn’t suddenly grown itself a backyard, we will be unable to buy every puppy at the pet store. Apologies for any inconvenience caused.

  • I need down time.

What’s that? We finally have one night free together this week? Sure, invite a gaggle of friends around that I have to cook for, or plan a social event that I have to drive to. Better yet, don’t tell me until I get home ready to relax, then spring it on me that I should keep my shoes on because we are heading out to pick everyone up.

  • Making the bed is not the same as cleaning the house.

I don’t know how to explain this any clearer. It’s like putting a hat on a dog and calling it a person. No amount of smoothing out a quilt cover or stuffing clothes into a wardrobe will make the floors and benchtops any cleaner.

  • In keeping with this, if you come up with some sort of system in your wardrobe then you will not have to pull everything out to find something.

Perhaps before you ‘tidy up’ by forcing the door shut on your avalanche of clothes, maybe say to yourself: ‘Pants go here’, ‘Tops go there.’ It really is as hard as that.

  • The car needs petrol.

I appreciate you leaving just enough in the tank so that I break down just as I arrive at the petrol station, but I am not sure I get the same sort of thrill driving with the little petrol gauge light blinking as you must.

  • Please note: If I leave the house without my phone, there is a slight chance I will NOT die.

There may be times that I forget my phone, or worse, I choose to walk to the shop down the road without it. As this crisis occurs almost every week, please try to keep in mind that I still exist even when you cannot see me or talk to me. Please wait at least 20 mins before panicking about what to say to the local news channel who are no doubt working with the Police to find me.

Alternatively, if I have my phone with me and I do not contact you back straight away when you are trying to tell me important information about what kind of sandwich you are currently eating, this is not grounds to believe that I have left you and am not coming back.

  • And another thing, I still don’t like Olives or Mushrooms.

Continuing to suggest dinner ideas with olives or mushrooms in it does not increase my appetite for them. Sometimes people can care about each other but still like different things. There is nothing wrong with your ideas, I JUST DON’T LIKE OLIVES OR MUSHROOMS.

Online Dating: How To Separate Eligible Human Beings From The Rest

Generally when people are behind the shield of the interwebs they naturally become obnoxious liars.  In online dating in particular, some users tend to embellish truths about themselves in order to appear less grotesque and undateable than they are.

And so, we have been forced by society to decipher the code that is used by many when creating a online dating profile.

Use this guide to determine who is worthy of getting into your inbox and whom shall be blocked.

TERM USED      Vs    ACTUAL REALITY

Cute: Has a distinct inability to be considered sexy by their friends.

No time-wasters: Desperately watching their biological clock run out.

Likes children: Hacked.

Mature: Haggered and at deaths door.

Looking to experiment: Not yet able to find a single person willing to have sex with them.

Looking for a good time: Not interested in whether you also have a good time.

Social smoker / drinker: A smoker / drinker with a very limited income.

Hot: Questionable intelligence levels.

Open-minded: Hoping others will be open-minded when they later disclose that they have several children.

Looking for a change: Has left a trail of destroyed relationships behind them.

Starting a new chapter: Clearly is a recently released prisoner.

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My friends describe me as…: Their friends have no knowledge of this profile, have never said this and indeed may not be actual people.

Intelligent: Knows the difference between ‘there’, ‘their’ and ‘they’re’.

New to the dating scene: Was pressured to make this profile after growing concerns from friends and family.

Looking to develop something permanent: Looking for a live-in cleaner and cook.

Looking for Mr Right: Desperately looking to not be the last single person in their friendship group.

Sexy: Sexually aroused by mirrors.

Seeks 18-25yr old: Delusional.

Blogger: Too many personal issues to mention.

Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

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The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*