Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

Adventures in loserville-30

The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

Adventures in loserville-31

If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.

Advertisements

A Typical Day In My Life (According To My Google Search History)

1157440_1380563458839163_1915933441_n

7:08AM      Facebook

7:57AM      Breakfast Ideas

8:02AM      Easy breakfast ideas

8:05AM      Breakfast ideas with least than 5 ingredients

8:07AM      What is the cheapest cereal?

8:08AM      Grocery store opening hours Sydney area

8:25AM      Online banking

10:05AM     Facebook

10:32AM     things to do in Sydney

10:34AM     Free things to do in Sydney

10:35AM     Facebook

10:37AM     shopping centres Sydney area

11:53AM     convert American dress size to UK sizing

11:58AM     Online banking

12:14PM     Meal ideas

12:17PM     Healthy meal ideas

12:20PM     Healthy cheap easy meal ideas

12:22PM     What is turmeric?

2:19PM      Cheapest petrol Sydney area

3:09PM      Food allergies

3:13PM      What causes bloating?

3:28PM      Refund policies / returning clothing

3:54PM      Shopping centre closing hours Sydney area

4:42PM      Facebook

5:01PM      New release movies

5:10PM      Lesbian films

5:10PM      Lesbian films (safesearch turned on)

5:56PM      video store trading hours Sydney area

6:27PM      Online banking

7:19PM      Facebook

7:24PM      Best nachos recipe

9:41PM      Facebook

10:02PM     Lesbian films (safesearch turned off)