Being Single On Valentine’s Day

If you are single, you have undoubtedly been made well aware that Valentine’s Day is on it’s way again.
It seems these days you can’t walk into a store for your can of Soup-for-One without tripping over a mass of cute stuffed animals, love-heart-shaped cards, and all manner of cheesy, commerial, soppy shit that you desperately wish someone would buy for you.

Should you find yourself to be single during Valentine’s Day this year, it may help you to know that you are not alone. Well, I mean, you are, clearly, but there are many other dateless, sad losers just like you out there. Instead of wasting your time wishing that for even just this one day of the year, someone, anyone, would at least touch you with a ten-foot pole, why not forget about dying alone with some fun ideas like those listed below.

Things To Do When You Are Not Celebrating Valentine’s Day:

Know someone else who is much happier than you?
Why not put a letter in their mailbox pretending to be the ‘other woman’?
You might even want make it more authentic by throwing a cheap old ring or piece of jewellery in there.
Too far?
If a friend of yours has bragged to you about where they are taking their beloved for dinner reservations, simply ring up and make a cancellation.

Hear your neighbours having wild, romantic romp?
Try throwing a rock through their window and run for it. Give them something to really sream about.
Too far?
Change your Wi-Fi name and let them know that you have heard too much information eg. ‘John in Unit 2 has Erectile Dysfunction.’

Remembeing all your ex-lover’s who scorned you?
Get some closure by using an unregistered number to continually call them and hang up. Let them feel what it is like to have someone really screwing with them.
Too far?
Ring up and order pizzas and taxis to their house and ruin their night.

Your coupled-up friends will tell you that Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter, or perhaps even say that they don’t celebrate it, but you expect that if you tried to make plans with them for that day they will selfishly be spending time with their soul mate instead. Smug bastards.
Just try to remember that for most couples, Valentine’s Day consists of exchanging cards with personal messages written by someone at Hallmark, an evening at an over-priced, crowded restaurant, becoming bloated, trying to avoid having an argument, feeling tired, and going to sleep.
A sad night on the town? Please… You could pull that off on a bad day. Well, maybe not the ‘someone giving you a card’ part…

The Sad Diaries Of A Single Girl

I crossed the line between being single and being desperate somewhere in my twenties.

I guess it can be traced back to the point when I began using my free time to Google ‘quotes about loneliness’.

See here some an excerpt from my life when I was a single lesbian living alone, (dignity not included):

So I asked a woman out on a date not being sure whether it is a date or not. (And also not being sure if she is straight or not.) I avoided using the term ‘hanging out’ when I asked (via text I might add, because I don’t have the balls) thinking that it would somehow make my intentions clearer. Clearly not.

I’m yet to even figure out what I would define as a date. I guess it is whether I like the person enough and if we are alone together and have planned it thusly. So far so good.

Don’t even ask me how I managed to ask this person to spend any amount of time with me voluntarily. I’m still not sure whether I have misjudged our fleeting eye contact and several passing greetings as something more than exactly that. I do have a tendency to mistake good customer service as a come-on. But she agreed to meet me; that’s the important thing.

My grasp of flirting consists mainly of smiling in a goofy fashion at all times in her presence. The description ‘not all there’ comes to mind when I lose sleep reliving these moments, thinking of things much wittier than what I said. God help any women out there who have shown any slight or accidental affection towards me.

In true nerdy form I have been getting my expectations up for something that has probably barely crossed her mind. Yes, I have tried on the clothes I will be wearing when I see her even though that won’t be for three days. I have even, in a painful display of optimism, changed my bed sheets. Not that I have any idea how to get a woman within three-hundred metres of my boudoir. And even if I got her there, I’m not confident I would know what to do. In fact, my actual reasoning that I have prepared my bed is just in case she has too much to drink and needs somewhere to sleep while I curl up in the corner under a throw rug. It’s my version of modern romance.

That right, ladies, get ready for a wild ride, because when it comes to lovers, I like to start with a first course of bumbling, awkward interactions followed by a progressive friendship of about two to three years. That’s how I roll, bitches.