Useless Talents That No One Appreciates

Some people are gifted with a wide variety of natural talents. For others, our talents are so specific that they are virtually useless in most aspects of life.

The following is a compilation of useless talents that we feel deserve recognition.
Despite the fact that these skills will rarely, if ever, be called upon, they are still impressive and should treated thusly nonetheless.

Useless Talents That Deserve Respect Points:

1. Correctly Guessing The Exact Time Without A Clock

Possible use(s):
If stranded on desert island without an iPhone, still being able to figure out what the time is.

Downfalls:
Need a clock to verify accuracy, thereby defeating the purpose of the skill.
Does not save you from imminent death.

2. Writing Legibly With Non-Dominant Hand

Possible use(s):
Writing ‘Help’ note whilst dominant arm is crushed under a car, etc.
Signing autographs while you are being pulled in all directions by fans.

Downfalls:

Implies temporary or permanent loss of use of dominant hand.
Not guaranteed to make you famous.

3. Consistently Remembering The Colour/Number/Letter Where Your Car Is Parked In Multi-Storey Parking Lots

Possible use(s):
Finding your car quicker after exiting the shops

Downfalls:
Does not guarantee you will find a parking spot.
Lack of validation from passengers.
Still requiring validation for your parking.

4. Knowing The Lyrics To An Extensive Amount Of Songs

Possible use(s):
Singing along to every song on the radio.

Downfalls:
Everyone thinks they have this skill.

Being Able To Take Off A Bra Whilst Wearing A Jumper

Possible use(s):
Remaining clothed and using the underwire to pick the lock of a door.

Downfalls:
Possibility of cold weather
Difficulty if needing to run away.

Making Puns

Possible use(s):
Coming up with better newspaper headings.
Adding clever hashtags.
Annoying friends.

Downfalls:
Requires friends.

Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

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The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

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If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.

Why I’ll Never Be Treated Like An Adult

  • I work at the same responsibility level as people who are still undergoing puberty.
  • I leave the discarded crust edges of my pizza on my plate.
  • I have been using a cake tin as a salad bowl for at least a year, rather than forking out the $3 to buy a larger bowl.
  • I think of vacuuming as an ‘optional’ household chore.
  • On more than one occasion at a formal event, I’ve been told that my shirt is not ironed.
  • I am still always in shock when the toilet paper supply runs out.
  • I’d like to buy a dog, but my first thought is immediately “but who will feed it?”
  • I still accept money for petrol off my mum when I visit.
  • I create scenarios in my head where I envision telling off someone who has recently pissed me off.
  • Washing my clothes consists of washing, drying and then being left in a pile on the floor for an undetermined period of time.
  • I allow myself a big enough period of time in the morning to snooze my alarm clock at least 5 times.
  • I giggle at words like ‘tits.’
  • I still use the phrase ‘when I grow up.’

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