Useless Talents That No One Appreciates

Some people are gifted with a wide variety of natural talents. For others, our talents are so specific that they are virtually useless in most aspects of life.

The following is a compilation of useless talents that we feel deserve recognition.
Despite the fact that these skills will rarely, if ever, be called upon, they are still impressive and should treated thusly nonetheless.

Useless Talents That Deserve Respect Points:

1. Correctly Guessing The Exact Time Without A Clock

Possible use(s):
If stranded on desert island without an iPhone, still being able to figure out what the time is.

Downfalls:
Need a clock to verify accuracy, thereby defeating the purpose of the skill.
Does not save you from imminent death.

2. Writing Legibly With Non-Dominant Hand

Possible use(s):
Writing ‘Help’ note whilst dominant arm is crushed under a car, etc.
Signing autographs while you are being pulled in all directions by fans.

Downfalls:

Implies temporary or permanent loss of use of dominant hand.
Not guaranteed to make you famous.

3. Consistently Remembering The Colour/Number/Letter Where Your Car Is Parked In Multi-Storey Parking Lots

Possible use(s):
Finding your car quicker after exiting the shops

Downfalls:
Does not guarantee you will find a parking spot.
Lack of validation from passengers.
Still requiring validation for your parking.

4. Knowing The Lyrics To An Extensive Amount Of Songs

Possible use(s):
Singing along to every song on the radio.

Downfalls:
Everyone thinks they have this skill.

Being Able To Take Off A Bra Whilst Wearing A Jumper

Possible use(s):
Remaining clothed and using the underwire to pick the lock of a door.

Downfalls:
Possibility of cold weather
Difficulty if needing to run away.

Making Puns

Possible use(s):
Coming up with better newspaper headings.
Adding clever hashtags.
Annoying friends.

Downfalls:
Requires friends.

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Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

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The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

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If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.

Why I’ll Never Be Treated Like An Adult

  • I work at the same responsibility level as people who are still undergoing puberty.
  • I leave the discarded crust edges of my pizza on my plate.
  • I have been using a cake tin as a salad bowl for at least a year, rather than forking out the $3 to buy a larger bowl.
  • I think of vacuuming as an ‘optional’ household chore.
  • On more than one occasion at a formal event, I’ve been told that my shirt is not ironed.
  • I am still always in shock when the toilet paper supply runs out.
  • I’d like to buy a dog, but my first thought is immediately “but who will feed it?”
  • I still accept money for petrol off my mum when I visit.
  • I create scenarios in my head where I envision telling off someone who has recently pissed me off.
  • Washing my clothes consists of washing, drying and then being left in a pile on the floor for an undetermined period of time.
  • I allow myself a big enough period of time in the morning to snooze my alarm clock at least 5 times.
  • I giggle at words like ‘tits.’
  • I still use the phrase ‘when I grow up.’

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Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

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The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*

Top 10 Reasons For Being Late To Work

1. Attempting to leave at very delicately timed latest possible minute.

2. Choosing an outfit for unrelated event happening outside of work hours.

3. Waking up to an alarm and in a sleepy daze not being able to remember what it had been set for.

4. Some form of breakfast disaster, including spillage, overcooking (burning), running out of an item or completely over-doing portion size to the point of illness.

5. Not being told about daylight savings time change by several forms of media.

6. Bad hair day.

7. Contemplating giving up all connections with outside world due to bad weather.

8. Phone out of battery – making last minute attempt to charge to at least 3% before leaving.

9. Spider found in house – sole purpose in life now to use all energy to make sure it can be seen at all times until it either leaves the house or dies.

10. Went on the internet.

Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians

“But say, like, a guy came along and had everything you wanted in a woman… except he was a man, would you like, go there?”

“So how exactly does that work with two women?”

“Did you want to stay here and hang out with the guys while we go shopping?”

“Does it make you sad that you can’t have kids together? Like proper kids, that are both yours?”

“Who would you turn straight for?”

“How much money would you go straight for?”

“When did you decide to be gay?”

“I kinda get it because I see Angelina Jolie and I think ‘she’s really hot.’”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress.”

“I thought you were, but I didn’t want to say, in case you thought I was hitting on you.”

“What are you going to do if someone at work finds out?”

“Who’s going to wear the dress at the wedding?”

“Sorry I kissed you the other night, I was just drunk and wanted to know what it feels like.”

“Is that why you never wear make-up?”

“Can you just act a little less gay in front of my family?”

“What do you talk about when you’re with your gay friends?”

“Are you sure you’re a lesbian?”

“You’re a lesbian? But you’re so pretty!”

“Are you attracted to me?”

First-World Lesbian Problems (Part II)

  • Everyone assuming you can fix their car.
  • Wanting to be in the Dykes on Bikes but having neither a motorbike or a motorbike licence.
  • Deciding whether to be on a float during Mardi Gras, where you won’t get to see all of the parade. Or to try to watch it from the crowd, where you won’t get to see all of the parade.
  • If you are butch; being told you look like a man.
  • If you are a femme; being told that you don’t look like a lesbian.
  •  Other women thinking you actually want to sneak a peek at their disgustingly sweaty body in the gym change rooms.
  • Having your mother still trying to set you up with eligible male bachelors, believing that it just takes ‘the right man to come along’.
  • Pretending that you haven’t looked up the ‘Interested In’ info on Facebook of all your female co-workers.

  • Being told you are too pretty to be a lesbian by someone who is too stupid to see that those two points are not linked.
  • Trying to find a roommate you are not attracted to.
  • Guests suddenly becoming uncomfortable after seeing a turkey baster in your kitchen drawer.
  • Being informed that your sexuality “is just not natural” by a woman who had a C-section for her IVF child.
  • Listening to your friends plan their weddings.
  • The possibility of your partner having the same first name as you.
  • Having to exert absolute self-control maintaining eye-contact when in conversation with a cleavage-bearing woman.
  • Not being able to grow your fingernails long.