Good Grammar or Die

Now I’m not a snob nor am I perfect, most of the time, but when it comes to spelling and grammar, if you wish to communicate with me I expect you to be on your A-game.

Sure, there are some errors I may be able to bring myself to overlook, especially if you are good-looking, but there are other cases where I will simply will not show any mercy.

grammar

I have listed here a general guide for anyone wishing to interact with me which can also be applied to anyone whose Facebook status updates, due to friendship, I am forced to endure.

Rule 1:
“His so cute.”
= No.

Rule 2:
“I went their to use there pool.”
= No. No, you did not.

Rule 3:
“I should of said.”
= No, you should not have.

Rule 4:
“Definately.”
= No.

Rule 5:
“Your so right.”
= So wrong.

Rule 6:
“Its hot in here.”
= ’tisn’t

Rule 7:
grammar2

Rule 8:
“It was to short.”
= ‘fraid not.

Rule 9:
“Me and my friends went.”
= Nope.

Rule 10:

“I’m taller then you.”
= What?

Rule 11:
“I seen him.”
= Nope.

Rule 12:
“I already done that.”
= Not even close.

Rule 13: 
“I want to loose weight.”
= How?

Rule 14:
“Whose going to the party?”
= Is he?

Rule 11:
“I didnt no were yous where.”
= Kill me now.


Jobs You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Do

Ok, so a job is a job. I get it. We all need money. Trust me, I do understand – in fact, while we are on the topic, can I borrow a fiver? I’m good for it, I swear.

Anyway, let’s face it, some jobs are better than others. …And some jobs suck so bad that unemployment begins to seem like a step up in the world.

I have had a few jobs in my time; some good, some buried in my consciousness and deleted entirely from my resume`.

For the most part, being an adult and having to go to work is not the barrel of laughs and riches I envisioned when playing ‘mummies and daddies’ as a child. In fact, there are some jobs which I have now come to realise that you couldn’t pay me enough to do.

jobs4

Being a chef:

Learning amazing culinary skills only to spend your time sweating in front of stove with a millions orders being thrown at you and Gordon-Ramsay-style management going on around you sounds like a nightmare. A kitchen nightmare. From what I’ve heard most chefs end up feeding their kids two-minute noodles because they have spent too much of their time already cooking for other people. Sure you can cook great food, but its probably best to kept that secret to yourself and work in less stressful environment. Unless you enjoy working under pressure, in which case WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN LIST OF BAD JOBS.

Working in the fashion industry:

First all I would probably be sent home on day one anyway not only because I have cheap (read: terrible) fashion sense but because I would be rolling my eyes so frequently that it would appear I had contracted some sort of illness. And don’t get me started on female runway models because if I had to work as some sort of assistant to one of those aliens I would be living in absolute fear of being stepped on by their giant legs or accidentally breaking one of their rib bones as I brushed past them towards the catering cart.

jobs2

Cleaning:

Self-explanatory really. I barely clean my own messes up, so don’t expect me to start cleaning up yours. Any job toilet-related or containing the words “bodily fluids” and yep, you guessed it, that price just can’t go high enough.

Working for a fast-food chain:

Ok, so most of us have all been there or are currently trapped there; in that middle ground (Mordor) between student and “adulting”. To put it bluntly, on a good day you will most likely encounter incompetent management by ‘senior’ staff members who are neither your superior by age nor intellectual capacity.

jobs3

Working in retail:

Again, most of us have been here and some days that measly minimum wage just isn’t cutting it for what is (sometimes literally) thrown at you. Let’s just say, adequate training for this job should be to practise how to delicately navigate your way around the following scenario: “An irate customer hands you a product and says they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this moron customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy it from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this dimwit customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back.”

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If Dog Breeds Had Human Equivalents


Dog Breed:
Afghan Hound
Afghan-HoundHuman Equivalent:
A older woman trying desperately to hold on to their looks with botox and make-up, but isn’t fooling anybody.

.

Dog Breed: Australian Kelpie
kelpieHuman Equivalent:
The ADHD kid who goes on to be more successful than you.

.

Dog Breed: Chihuahua
chihuahuaHuman Equivalent:
Short, mean, management type who tries to make up for their short stature by bossing everyone around.

.

Dog Breed: Golden Retriever
Golden_RetrieverHuman Equivalent:
The nice guy who puts in so much effort but always finds himself in the ‘friend zone’.

.

Dog Breed: Doberman Pinscher
dobermanHuman Equivalent:
The cool, bad boy she ends up falling for instead.

.

Dog Breed: Komondor / Puli
KomondorHuman Equivalent:
That one weird, hippie friend of yours who insists on being an individual.

.

 Dog Breed: Jack Russell
jack-russellHuman Equivalent:
The best mate who is always up for anything.

.

Dog Breed: Border Collieborder-collieHuman Equivalent:
The smart one who also is good looking, aka “out of your league”.

.

Dog Breed: DachshunddachshundHuman Equivalent:
That desperate person that you sort of know who always tags along and wants to be your best friend.

 .

Dog Breed: Siberian Husky
siberian_huskyHuman Equivalent:
Ridiculously good-looking celebrities.

.

Dog Breed: Chow Chow
Chow-ChowHuman Equivalent:
Unattractive girls or guys who either wear too much make up or fake-tanning spray and walk around judging everybody.

.

Dog Breed: Pug
pugHuman Equivalent:
Steve Buscemi
steve-buscemi