Good Grammar or Die

Now I’m not a snob nor am I perfect, most of the time, but when it comes to spelling and grammar, if you wish to communicate with me I expect you to be on your A-game.

Sure, there are some errors I may be able to bring myself to overlook, especially if you are good-looking, but there are other cases where I will simply will not show any mercy.

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I have listed here a general guide for anyone wishing to interact with me which can also be applied to anyone whose Facebook status updates, due to friendship, I am forced to endure.

Rule 1:
“His so cute.”
= No.

Rule 2:
“I went their to use there pool.”
= No. No, you did not.

Rule 3:
“I should of said.”
= No, you should not have.

Rule 4:
“Definately.”
= No.

Rule 5:
“Your so right.”
= So wrong.

Rule 6:
“Its hot in here.”
= ’tisn’t

Rule 7:
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Rule 8:
“It was to short.”
= ‘fraid not.

Rule 9:
“Me and my friends went.”
= Nope.

Rule 10:

“I’m taller then you.”
= What?

Rule 11:
“I seen him.”
= Nope.

Rule 12:
“I already done that.”
= Not even close.

Rule 13: 
“I want to loose weight.”
= How?

Rule 14:
“Whose going to the party?”
= Is he?

Rule 11:
“I didnt no were yous where.”
= Kill me now.


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Jobs You Couldn’t Pay Me Enough To Do

Ok, so a job is a job. I get it. We all need money. Trust me, I do understand – in fact, while we are on the topic, can I borrow a fiver? I’m good for it, I swear.

Anyway, let’s face it, some jobs are better than others. …And some jobs suck so bad that unemployment begins to seem like a step up in the world.

I have had a few jobs in my time; some good, some buried in my consciousness and deleted entirely from my resume`.

For the most part, being an adult and having to go to work is not the barrel of laughs and riches I envisioned when playing ‘mummies and daddies’ as a child. In fact, there are some jobs which I have now come to realise that you couldn’t pay me enough to do.

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Being a chef:

Learning amazing culinary skills only to spend your time sweating in front of stove with a millions orders being thrown at you and Gordon-Ramsay-style management going on around you sounds like a nightmare. A kitchen nightmare. From what I’ve heard most chefs end up feeding their kids two-minute noodles because they have spent too much of their time already cooking for other people. Sure you can cook great food, but its probably best to kept that secret to yourself and work in less stressful environment. Unless you enjoy working under pressure, in which case WRITE YOUR OWN DAMN LIST OF BAD JOBS.

Working in the fashion industry:

First all I would probably be sent home on day one anyway not only because I have cheap (read: terrible) fashion sense but because I would be rolling my eyes so frequently that it would appear I had contracted some sort of illness. And don’t get me started on female runway models because if I had to work as some sort of assistant to one of those aliens I would be living in absolute fear of being stepped on by their giant legs or accidentally breaking one of their rib bones as I brushed past them towards the catering cart.

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Cleaning:

Self-explanatory really. I barely clean my own messes up, so don’t expect me to start cleaning up yours. Any job toilet-related or containing the words “bodily fluids” and yep, you guessed it, that price just can’t go high enough.

Working for a fast-food chain:

Ok, so most of us have all been there or are currently trapped there; in that middle ground (Mordor) between student and “adulting”. To put it bluntly, on a good day you will most likely encounter incompetent management by ‘senior’ staff members who are neither your superior by age nor intellectual capacity.

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Working in retail:

Again, most of us have been here and some days that measly minimum wage just isn’t cutting it for what is (sometimes literally) thrown at you. Let’s just say, adequate training for this job should be to practise how to delicately navigate your way around the following scenario: “An irate customer hands you a product and says they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this moron customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy it from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back. You repeatedly explain (sans cursing) to this dimwit customer that you cannot give them any money back for the product because they A) do not have a receipt for it and B) they did not buy from this store. They continue to hand you product and say they want their money back.”

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If Dog Breeds Had Human Equivalents


Dog Breed:
Afghan Hound
Afghan-HoundHuman Equivalent:
A older woman trying desperately to hold on to their looks with botox and make-up, but isn’t fooling anybody.

.

Dog Breed: Australian Kelpie
kelpieHuman Equivalent:
The ADHD kid who goes on to be more successful than you.

.

Dog Breed: Chihuahua
chihuahuaHuman Equivalent:
Short, mean, management type who tries to make up for their short stature by bossing everyone around.

.

Dog Breed: Golden Retriever
Golden_RetrieverHuman Equivalent:
The nice guy who puts in so much effort but always finds himself in the ‘friend zone’.

.

Dog Breed: Doberman Pinscher
dobermanHuman Equivalent:
The cool, bad boy she ends up falling for instead.

.

Dog Breed: Komondor / Puli
KomondorHuman Equivalent:
That one weird, hippie friend of yours who insists on being an individual.

.

 Dog Breed: Jack Russell
jack-russellHuman Equivalent:
The best mate who is always up for anything.

.

Dog Breed: Border Collieborder-collieHuman Equivalent:
The smart one who also is good looking, aka “out of your league”.

.

Dog Breed: DachshunddachshundHuman Equivalent:
That desperate person that you sort of know who always tags along and wants to be your best friend.

 .

Dog Breed: Siberian Husky
siberian_huskyHuman Equivalent:
Ridiculously good-looking celebrities.

.

Dog Breed: Chow Chow
Chow-ChowHuman Equivalent:
Unattractive girls or guys who either wear too much make up or fake-tanning spray and walk around judging everybody.

.

Dog Breed: Pug
pugHuman Equivalent:
Steve Buscemi
steve-buscemi

Bogan Expressions And Their Meanings

Bogan (n.) Aust.
See also: derro, chav, redneck, westie, white trashyourself, etc.

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Shiraz was a strapping, handsome, young lass.

Bogan expressions and their meanings:

“Bum us a durry, bro.”
Would you mind if I inspect and partake in use of one of your tabacco-related products?

“Where’s ya missus at?”
You are often sited with a female companion. Pray tell, where is your fair maiden at this hour?

“Oi!”
Excuse me, kind sir / madam.

“Waddaya talkin’ ’bout?”
I’m sorry, please forgive my ignorance, but I don’t quite understand.

“Waddaya reckon?”
I’d be very interested to know your thoughts on the subject.

“You’re talkin’ shit!”
Such embellishments in your story have led me to believe your information is inaccurate.

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Shiraz and Chardonnay settled their disputes in a playful, violent manner.

“Show us ya tits.”
Hello, I’m a pervert.

“Piece o’ piss, ay.”
I find this task to be slightly less challenging in nature than perhaps you had envisioned. It shall be completed in a timely fashion.

“Chuck us a beer.”
Would you be so kind as to hand me a suitable alcoholic beverage? Or, if the fancy takes you, I will even allow you to toss it whimsically toward me in a safe and friendly manner.

“The gummymint wont gimme me money.”
My current circumstances, at this point, have lead me to rely on the welfare system set up by our democratic leaders in order to make ends meet. Unfortunately, it appears an error has occurred this week as my financial benefits have not yet been processed. I’m quite perplexed and, dare I say it, annoyed.

“Fark off, mate!”
I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

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#FreeSchapelle

Diets: You’re Doing It Wrong

The two biggest fears a person can face are dying and dieting.
As most of us often avoid dying on a daily basis, it is usually the concept of dieting that people struggle with.
New diets have been put in place for those people who have an intolerance to balanced eating and / or exercise.

If for whatever reason, you find that you need to go on a diet, this guide may or may not help you to know how to best approach a number of diets.

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Staples of the The Hipster Diet often include overpriced avocados, poached eggs, and drinking out of jam jars.

DIET: Lemon detox
Find the least enjoyable, most sour fruit available, add some spice and then pretend it has the nutritional value of all other fruits, vegetables and meats combined.

DIET: Atkins
Tell yourself you can have bacon and eggs for breakfast every morning but then realise you are also being told to avoid nasty carbohydrates such as fruit. A recipe for success.

DIET: Paleo
Ignore modern technology and discover why no one wants to invite you out to dinner anymore.

DIET: Juice detox
Blend vegetables and fruits together until they become an undrinkable brown concoction. Repeat until you miss solid foods.

DIET: Gluten free
Pay three times as much for a loaf of bread that is half the size and twice as dense.
Unfortunately this diet involves giving up all the best foods around, including but not limited to play dough.

DIET: Raw foods
An excellent choice if you can’t be bothered cooking. Handful of nuts for dinner, anyone?

DIET: Subway diet
Continue to eat at an established food chain every day. Repeat until you have lost a significant amount of weight and gained a national sponsorship deal.

DIET: 5:2 Diet
Eat like a normal person five days a week, and cry on two non-consecutive days every week.

Bon appétit!

A Tight-Arse Guide To Living

Sometimes the best things in life are free. But most of the time shit is expensive.
For this reason, this guide has been created.

poor

How to become less poor*:

Sometimes when life is treating you right, you can come across a public toilet or venue that does not securely store their toilet supplies. Toilet paper rolls can easily be stashed in a large bag and will keep your costs down.
I also find that wearing a safety hi-visibility vest allows you to walk into many storage closets to take necessary items without much notice from others.

Stealing other people’s lunches from the communal fridge at work is a classic. (Or at least bits of each of them so no one catches on.) I find that storing a container with your own name on it in the fridge makes people less likely to suspect you as the culprit and also provides you with a bowl for your treasured finds.

Most communal fridges also contain a 2 litre bottle of milk. By pouring the milk into your large non-see-through drink bottle before you leave, you are ready for tomorrow’s breakfast without any fuss.

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On a night out in the town I like to offer to go order the drinks when in a group. People will hand you over money and their order and are usually not surprised when you hand back so little change as alcohol prices can be ridiculous.

I also often like to be the designated driver. However, asking people for petrol money can be embarrassing sometimes. After all, no one wants to appear cheap. I find that waiting until you take the drunken masses back home usually results in more generous offers. If you have more than one group of friends, you can usually make extra cash by being a driver on Friday night with one lot and Saturday with the others.

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Public libraries can be an invaluable source of free internet, DVDs and funny smells. During the Christmas period, I like to delicately cut out a few pages from a number of books. This creates funky, kitsch wrapping paper for any shitty re-gifted presents I give out. By only selecting non-vital pages like a contents page or blank pages at the back, and using a sharp blade to conceal any tampering, no one is likely to report any faults with the book.

Also at Christmas I like to send my friends and family cards in envelopes with a fake name and address on the front and their real address on the back. Without a stamp attached, it eventually gets delivered to them via the ‘return to sender’ procedure.

spend

And of course lastly, who can forget the wonderful free-for-all that is a common house party. Arrive with nothing; move a few drinks to a different location and write your name on the packaging as if they are yours. Take the pen you wrote it with. Discreetly stash some cutlery. Eat the food and take some with you. Add your name on a card before you leave if there are unopened gifts for the host’s birthday, etc. Take the batteries out of the TV remote. Swipe the soap from the bathroom. Feel what it is like the live like the other half.

*By using this guide you could literally save hundreds of cents each year and all it will cost you is your basic sense of decency.

Top 10 Reasons You Are Getting Laid

If you are moderately attractive, have nice hair and, in some cases also posses some form of personality, chances are you are or have been in a relationship. Sometimes during these relationships, physical contact is developed to express a mutual desire and love between the two individuals.
But most likely the real reason she is having sex you is because of one of the following:

1. She is filling in the time between meals.

2. She is stressed out about an upcoming event or work function and needs a distraction.

3. She is planning to ask you a favour.

4. The house was a mess and she chose intercourse over cleaning up.

5. She was watching / reading something much sexier than you.

6. She just helped a friend through an awful break-up and realised you aren’t that bad.

7. She felt crap about a comment someone made earlier and wants to forget about it for a while.

8. Her period is due soon so she wants to have some fun before things turn ugly.

9. She wanted to do some exercise without really working out.

10. She wanted to relax so she could get a good night’s rest.

11. You are wildly attractive and she couldn’t resist you.

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