How to Move House Efficiently and Effortlessly

Moving house can be an overwhelming task; it is time consuming and quickly becomes evident that you have way too much crap and not enough brain capacity or physical space to deal with it all. With this in mind, we have created a guide on how to move house without the added burden of actually getting your shit organised. Just by following these simple steps you can cut down on the clutter and move into your new place with ease.

Moving House 101:

• This is not the time to get sentimental, old school books and childhood toys belong in the bin along with any other remnants of broken dreams.

• Realise that you only wear maybe four entirely different outfits and that the rest come under the ‘only suitable as sleepwear’ category. If you wouldn’t be caught dead outside wearing it then let someone at the charity store decide if they will be.

• Forget about how much money new furniture will cost and assume you will somehow acquire vast new amounts of money in your new house. Become the local hero and have the charity shop come and pick up all your furniture for donation. You will probably be back within days to buy it back at an inflated cost, but if the delivery fee is less than the moving van would have cost then you, my friend, are a genius.

• Question whether you really need to bring those board games to the new house. You know, the ones you intend to play with your supposed friends during a weekly games night that has so far been a mere fantasy in your life?

• Give away every glass item you have to avoid having to wrap anything with care.

• Books you have no intention of ever finishing or reading again can graciously find there way next the fifteen copies of ’50 Shades of Grey’ in the charity shop.

• Say adios to that novelty sombrero you have hanging up. There are enough photos on Facebook for everyone to remember how carefree and fun you are. We get it, you were the life of the party that one night.

• Your plastic Christmas tree has seen better days. Let it die in dignity on your front lawn, awaiting a better life as landfill via the council garbage truck. It’s what baby Jesus would have wanted.

• If you are unsure of an item, put it in a garbage bag, then let it get lost in the mess and eventually throw it out by mistake.

• Get brutal with every cup, fork, spoon, pen, piece of paper, DVD, pair of sunglasses, light bulb, spare battery and every single other bit of anything that you ever had the idiocy to drag into the house. Tell yourself that everything minuscule, insignificant thing that is anywhere inside this house needs to be found, touched, sorted and moved somewhere else. Knowing this usually builds enough stress to make you chuck out anything regardless of value. Cull it like its hot.

House Rules

In light of recent events (the greater majority to do with gas problems and particular wafting smells), I present to you a list of house rules.

1. No extreme swearing. Such behaviour is only acceptable when making known to others the places, people, objects, food stuffs, smells, celebrities, bad hair days, and general elements of the world that we dislike and/or are allowed to critique.

2. The walk-in pantry can only be used as a hiding spot in the event of

• Natural disaster
• Apocalypse
• Determined salespeople

If one wishes to use the pantry as a naughty corner or place of wallowing, a sign must be placed on the door reading ‘Pondering of life in progress. Do not knock unless offering of hug or high-calorie sweet treat will occur thereafter.’

If person inside pantry is mislead and is instead offered fruit or other food that does not induce sugary happiness, all condiments inside the pantry can be consumed without question, suspicion or consequence. What happens in the pantry, stays in the pantry.

3. All smells must be spoken of. If smell in question is smelt and then smeller of smell refrains from speaking of it, that smell is then void. Naming and shaming smells will contribute to the overall maturation of a smell-free, Tropicana-like environment.

4. Respect and love the house as if it is your first born. Give it your whole-hearted attention, especially on rainy days where it will be feeling inadequate and under the weather. This respect can be shown in a number of ways – a friendly smile or an encouraging pat on the back door, some general words of appreciation.

Beware though, for giving the kettle too much attention can often result in things boiling over.

5. A fortune cookie once told me that cleanliness is next to godliness, and it’s common knowledge that to ignore a cryptically written message placed inside a baked good would be akin to using toilet paper with less than three ply. Both surfaces just end up dirty and brown.

The process of ‘cleaning’ cannot be categorized as the following: half-hearted wiping of surfaces with a dry napkin, brushing of crumbs to a different corner of the bench-top, and hiding of disregarded rubbish under life-size plush toys. Excuses such as ‘it was there when I got here’ will only be accepted when referring to toys of a sexual nature or half-eaten chocolate bars.

6. The opening of blinds in the morning will be tolerated only with the exchange of hugs and compliments such as ‘your hair looks pretty’ or, if struggling, ‘your eyeliner is smeared and you look like road kill, but you smell better than you did yesterday.’

7. The command of ‘don’t even’ possesses holy status, and should therefore be heeded at all times.

8. CAT – Cooking Ability Tolerance. A concept involving an ongoing awareness that neither of us can cook, and any attempt at cooking anything of difficulty greater than opening a can is something done with knowledge that an end to dignity is possibly imminent. Basically, if I cook something and burn it, feel free to tease me and mock, but please eat it and keep the cringing to a minimum. Chances are I’ve burnt it out of love, or with the hope that burning it enough times will push you to the very edge, and with the cue of a string quartet, you will announce that from now on, the cooking is your job. Odds are the latter won’t happen, so let’s just both agree to ingest more bad meals than anyone should have to ingest in a lifetime simply because we love each other.

9. Think and speak clearly and honestly. Give attention and time where attention and time should be given. Communicate openly without fear of the after-effect. Love boldly every day and be bold in showing that love.

10. In this household, stupidity is both accepted and encouraged. Be proud of that time you used hand-soap as shampoo, and share that pride with the rest of the world.

11. A stormy night in this household should not be weathered alone. A night in which obvious rainfall and wind can be both heard and seen assumes an ongoing episode of cuddles for an indefinite period of time.

12. Notes can only be passed under the toilet door in the event of an extreme emergency. Such emergencies can include but are not limited to:

– Spontaneous declarations of love

– Melting plastic containers

– TV antenna crisis’ of any nature

– General complaints

– Anything that needs to be said at the time of passing

– So, in conclusion, pretty much anything

14. The bright orange-painted feature wall is what it’s called: a feature. Anyone who disrespects the feature wall, through either verbal dialect or non-verbal cues (funny looks, unnecessary staring), must be escorted out of the house immediately, even if said person lives there.

15. The feature wall is a creative space.

16. Laugh at each other’s jokes, even if they scream “recycled” or “the vomit bucket is to your left.”

17. Learn, learn, learn! Learn from the other person and allow the other person teach you. These don’t necessarily have to be talents or skills – they can be as small as bringing to light elements of your personality that you didn’t know you initially had, streaks of tenacity and strength which were always there but waiting to come out.

18. Love the other person unquestionably and to no limit, even if their farts smell like French onion.