A Guide To Survival In Australia

Australians are a tough people. They have to be. They live alongside some of the deadliest animals on the planet and are pretty much trapped inside the country unless they can afford a plane ticket or a cruise and they also play tennis and cricket in 42° Celsius heat (eqv. to 1 million° Fahrenheit) .

Australia is a land of extremes. Meaning you have to be extremely careful. It’s national emblem contains a boxing kangaroo and a bird that is so large in size that it can’t even fly (not to be confused with that other Australian flightless bird that can kill a person using it’s foot).

If you, like many other convicts, have decided to take a trip down under, take care.
There are a vast array of ways to die in Australia to suit all tourists, but if you wish to return home, please use the following guide to keep you safe.

How To Stay Alive:

1. Don’t go in the water
   Apart from the friendly Great White Shark, a plethora of marine life is just waiting for you to dive in.  This includes the highly venomous Irukandji Jellyfish, which thankfully is about the size of a human fingernail making it more than easy to spot in moving water.
2. Don’t trust anyone
   Hitchhiking has been a favourite pastime for many unsuspecting statistics. A good idea is to look at a map of Australia before you get here and realise that the country is really f*#king big.
   Travelling from Sydney to Ayres Rock, Uluru? No worries, just start the car and drive for two days straight non-stop.
   It is a good idea to try not to look like a tourist as this will avoid the annoyance of being targeted by would-be madmen.  Tourists are often identified by wearing large backpacks, calling Melbourne ‘mel-BORN’ (as oppsed to MEL-bun) and saying things like “Let’s visit Canberra.”
   Possibly the safest option for getting around is your choice of any of the feral camels in the outback. Don’t worry, they don’t spit their saliva all over you, instead it’s just semi-digested stomach contents.
3. Don’t walk inside and around buildings
   If you decide at any point to take your shoes off before entering a house and consequently leave them unattended, assume that they are now home to a typical deadly spider like the Redback (again about the size of a human fingernail, so quite easy to detect deep inside a shoe). And don’t worry, other deadly spiders like Funnel-Webs are usually only found in obscure places like Sydney, The Blue Mountains and other highly-populated areas and their bite is only dangerous towards mammals such as primates and human beings.
4. Don’t walk outside
   Venomous snakes are fortunately only found in tropical areas, inland areas, coastal areas, and every state and territory in Australia.
5. Understand the language
   Koala are not bears at all and so should not be referred to as such, instead they are marsupials rife with chlamydia which they like to spread to tourists by urinating on them.
   And lastly: If someone tells you to wear thongs, for God’s sake, do not turn up in a G-string.

Australia: Whatever doesn’t kill you, probably doesn’t live here.

What I Have Learnt From Travelling Overseas

Living in Australia offers many benefits: welfare support; free access to public hospitals; riding kangaroos to school, etc. The idea that anyone would want to expand their horizons, have new experiences elsewhere, and learn about another ‘kulcha’ are laughable.

However, if you find yourself inclined to explore above and beyond the nether regions of the planet, you may begin to notice a few things. Firstly it is really, really, expensive to try to leave the country by any means of transport, and secondly if you are looking to travel to a ‘Westernised’ country your money will be about as worthless as the paper polypropylene plasticy-stuff it is printed on.
Whilst I love everything Down Under (…that’s what she said.) I have spent some time travelling to foreign places, ie. destinations slightly further than the Gold Coast. Following these extensive journeys, I have taken the time (during my work schedule) to compile some teachings which may offer little to no help for your future travels.

Things You Should Know About The World Beyond The Mainland:

• Not all toilets were created equal
  Have you ever wiped the contents of your asshole and then placed your dirty toilet paper in an open bin next to you? I have, and it is every bit as disgusting as your are imagining. Throw in some ‘Bali belly’ and let your mind wander.
  Or, perhaps you have found yourself looking into the abyss of a squat toilet which is equipped with all the technological features you would expect from a hole in the ground?
  Ahh, finally I can relax.
  

  3-ply newspaper sold separately.

• You can never be too early to arrive at an airport
  I can’t stress this enough. And if you are travelling with me you will have no choice but to turn up early to every major event planned on the trip.
  “What’s that? We should catch a bus at 6am to get to the terminal? Great. See you there at 4.”
  “Nothing to do at the airport, you say? Hmmm, how about this GIANT SLIDE!!”

May cause travel sickness.

• You should always clean your house before you go
  Trust me, if you haven’t you will hate yourself and your life when you get back.

•  Economy class really is as bad as you remember.
  But that’s ok, it’s not like you or anybody else needs to stretch their legs when on a 14 hour non-stop orgy of personal space.
  

  Your emergency exits are located next to those bitches who get slightly more legroom.

• You probably don’t need more clothes
  So you’ve packed your entire wardrobe into a suitcase and then you decide to do a little shopping. I find that shopping on a holiday is a bit like when I visit a buffet; things can get out of control really quickly.
  Generally speaking, any shirt you buy which states the place you visited will become your designated ‘bed shirt’ in no time at all.
  

  My next trip was to the charity bin.

• Relish in any of the free shit on offer
  A holiday is hardly the time when one is expected to display any sense of self-control. One place where there is absolutely no place for judgement or self-restraint is at the hostel’s free communal breakfast. After spending your money seeing all the attractions, this may be your only meal for the day.
  Just eat everything available and steal a couple of apple juice poppers for the road like everybody else does.

A healthy mix of foreign cuisines.

• You will encounter annoying people
  As with anywhere you go, you will encounter some form of interaction with strangers.  Inevitably one or more of them will start to get on your nerves and soon you may find yourself in the presence an obnoxious, loud, disrespectful, rude person. Please note that such people are commonly known internationally as ‘Western tourists.’

Please remain seated at all times.