A Typical Conversation With Myself At The Gym

“Ok, yep, I’m ready.
Totally gonna smash this out.
Gonna do 10kms on the treadmill, yep.
Alright.
Ok.
Looking good.
Feeling alright.
I got this.

Yep.
This isn’t so bad.
Don’t know why I thought this would be so hard.
I’m killing it.
Probably the fittest one here.
Yep, pretty much.

Oh wait, nope.
No, she definitely looks more toned then me.
Better move up to a higher speed.
Yep.
Nope, too fast.
Back down.
Ok, yep.
Take a drink, that’s it.
Recovery.
Definitely got this.
Alright, good she’s gone.
Feeling good.
Feeling good.

Oh, I love this song.
Alright, gonna sprint during the chorus.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
GO!

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Feeling like a champion.
Probably look like a pro.
Oh God.
God, hurry up.
Why is this chorus so long?
Keep going.
Still going.
Bit more.

Nope.
Can’t do it.
Alright, that’s ok.
Most of the chorus.
That’s good.
Just gonna pace it for the rest of the song.
Yep, taking a drink.

Ok, and I am at… 1km?
What?
Feel like I’ve been on here for ages.
Oh God, not even half way.
Better aim for 5kms.

Ok, yep.
5kms, I can do this.
Yep, almost half way.
Better slow it down.
Don’t want to over do it.
Yep, getting there.
Ok.
Almost half way.
Alright.
Ok, more like one-third of the way.
But that’s alright.
Feeling good.

Little bit sore, but moving on.
Not gonna think about it.
Gonna ignore that slight pain in my knee.
Just pretend its not there.
Just jogging it off.

Ok, seriously what is that?
Really starting to hurt.
Better slow it down a bit more.
Don’t want to risk it.
Besides almost finished.
Almost finished.
Yep, alright.
Couple more kms.
Just a few more kms.
Keep going.
Oh God, she’s back.

And great, she picked the treadmill next to me.
Who does that?
There are like a million others to choose from.
Better have a drink.

Alright refocus.
Almost there.
What is going on with my knee?
Slowing it up again.
Should’ve stretched.
Knew it.
Just gonna walk it off.

Oh god, still another 2kms to go.
Don’t think I can do it.
Probably shouldn’t.
Could have a serious sports injury here.
Better finish it up.

Alright I’ll just get to 3.5kms and then I’ll stop.
Doing good.
Doing good.

3.3kms.

Yep, pretty close.

Little bit more.

God, shouldn’t have drank so much.
Need to pee.
Alright little bit further, then I’ll get off.
Few more minutes.

Yep, just few more steps.

Nope.
That’ll do.
Over it.”

—- End scene —-

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Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

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The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*

Top 10 Reasons For Being Late To Work

1. Attempting to leave at very delicately timed latest possible minute.

2. Choosing an outfit for unrelated event happening outside of work hours.

3. Waking up to an alarm and in a sleepy daze not being able to remember what it had been set for.

4. Some form of breakfast disaster, including spillage, overcooking (burning), running out of an item or completely over-doing portion size to the point of illness.

5. Not being told about daylight savings time change by several forms of media.

6. Bad hair day.

7. Contemplating giving up all connections with outside world due to bad weather.

8. Phone out of battery – making last minute attempt to charge to at least 3% before leaving.

9. Spider found in house – sole purpose in life now to use all energy to make sure it can be seen at all times until it either leaves the house or dies.

10. Went on the internet.

How To Date Other Humans

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website.
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/10291/How-to-date-other-humans.htm

As there is not yet a HTML code for generating a compatible human partner, people in the so called (over-rated) ‘real world’ have to rely on a process called Dating in which to find someone they can annoy for the rest of their life.

The act of dating can be a scary, often disappointing experience, so it is important to have an idea of how one goes about dating correctly.
This guide has been put together to help assist you to not die alone.

Who To Pick:

It is important to look somewhat decent and like a functional, contributing person within society when meeting someone you may wish to continue seeing. In saying that, you too should expect that this person has also taken the time to get fully dressed before meeting you.

Many people do not look the way that instagram says they look. Instead of getting your expectations too high about how attractive they may be, try to focus rather on whether this person has all the features (2 eyes, 1 nose, etc) that are most desirable in a human. It is important to remain positive.

Where to Go:

First dates can be awkward and daunting, which is why I am glad I don’t have to go through them anymore. There are a few standard places recommended for those of you lagging about and still stuck in this stage of life.  These are listed here to help you decide the right one for you and some other person.

Movies – Seeing a movie together is a good choice if you wish to have little interaction and talking with this person. Having this person remain silent for a period of time may be something you will look back fondly over should your relationship progress.

Dinner – If you are not concerned about having food stuck between your teeth while talking than this option could be for you. It is customary that both of you should pretend that you can afford to pay for the entire dinner, before agreeing to each pay for half of the bill. If your night is not going too well, I recommend ordering the lobster and making an exit first before the bill arrives.

Bowling/Mini-Golf/Karaoke, etc – A good distraction to focus on as you will both be deciding whether the person you have come with is single because of their terrible inability or overt cockiness during this and / or other similar activities.

What To Do:

There is no specific goal related to dating, other than to have someone endure your company for a period of time. Your date may consist of simply talking or progress to levels of affection. You should not feel pressured to do anything you are not comfortable with. However, if you are comfortable with really weird, freaky shit, you should find out whether your present company is too before you get started.

You may or may not wish to plant a kiss on this person by the end of the date (Not applicable if you have ordered Lobster). Or you may feel that telling them you’ll look them up on Facebook, with no intention of doing so, is a more appropriate end to the night.

At the conclusion of a date you are expected to and should be prepared to give over any information, however private, about the proceedings to your friends. Friends, particularly others in couples, will not take no for an answer.

In Conclusion:

Just remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea, regrettably though, the majority of them are disgustingly inedible.

We hope this guide has successfully prepared you to start your journey towards settling for somebody.

Please note however, if you are reading this whilst wearing sandals with socks, you are unfortunately beyond our help and we would like to wish you and your several cats a long, happy life together.

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The Sad Diaries Of A Single Girl

I crossed the line between being single and being desperate somewhere in my twenties.

I guess it can be traced back to the point when I began using my free time to Google ‘quotes about loneliness’.

See here some an excerpt from my life when I was a single lesbian living alone, (dignity not included):

So I asked a woman out on a date not being sure whether it is a date or not. (And also not being sure if she is straight or not.) I avoided using the term ‘hanging out’ when I asked (via text I might add, because I don’t have the balls) thinking that it would somehow make my intentions clearer. Clearly not.

I’m yet to even figure out what I would define as a date. I guess it is whether I like the person enough and if we are alone together and have planned it thusly. So far so good.

Don’t even ask me how I managed to ask this person to spend any amount of time with me voluntarily. I’m still not sure whether I have misjudged our fleeting eye contact and several passing greetings as something more than exactly that. I do have a tendency to mistake good customer service as a come-on. But she agreed to meet me; that’s the important thing.

My grasp of flirting consists mainly of smiling in a goofy fashion at all times in her presence. The description ‘not all there’ comes to mind when I lose sleep reliving these moments, thinking of things much wittier than what I said. God help any women out there who have shown any slight or accidental affection towards me.

In true nerdy form I have been getting my expectations up for something that has probably barely crossed her mind. Yes, I have tried on the clothes I will be wearing when I see her even though that won’t be for three days. I have even, in a painful display of optimism, changed my bed sheets. Not that I have any idea how to get a woman within three-hundred metres of my boudoir. And even if I got her there, I’m not confident I would know what to do. In fact, my actual reasoning that I have prepared my bed is just in case she has too much to drink and needs somewhere to sleep while I curl up in the corner under a throw rug. It’s my version of modern romance.

That right, ladies, get ready for a wild ride, because when it comes to lovers, I like to start with a first course of bumbling, awkward interactions followed by a progressive friendship of about two to three years. That’s how I roll, bitches.

Shit My Girlfriend And I Argue About

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website:
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/10115/10-things-my-girlfriend-and-I-argue-about.htm

Over the course of our relationship, several things have come to my attention:

1) That my girlfriend still insists that she is 172cm tall when our measuring tape says she isn’t, and;

2) that often the stupidest of topics create the longest of arguments.

I have compiled a list of the top 10 arguments we have had thus far.

It’s important to note that nothing can ever be too insignificant to fight over.

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1. Buying a pet:

My girlfriend had the bright (read: impulsive) idea of buying a pet to satisfy her motherly instincts. This doesn’t quite work, considering the fact we a) live in a rental property and b) are yet to prove that we can afford to feed and house ourselves. After many heated, lengthy discussions regarding this, we negotiated down (“way down,” she scoffs) to the possibility of a rabbit, as this would require the lowest level of maintenance and was roughly the size of a small dog.

To test the waters, I arranged an in-house trial to see how she would fare with an actual rabbit (rather than the utopian illusion of one.) We decided to bunny-sit a friend’s rabbit. It went a little something like this:

Day 1: Turns out rabbits shit. A lot.

I know this because not only did I have to constantly clean it up, but as I did, I was met with yells of “that stinks, clean it up!”

Day 2: “I feel sick, I think I’m allergic to rabbits”

Day 3: “When are we supposed to be giving this back?”

2 weeks later (note: rabbit was returned after day 3): “Maybe we should try and babysit the rabbit again…”

2. Baked Beans

I bought a bulk supply of baked beans knowing that they last for ages, and that we were going to most likely use them at some point. They were dramatically discounted because they were Australia day themed, and Australia day had long passed. I would like to point out here that other than the packaging, THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE BEANS.

She disagrees, and makes a special effort to buy a new can of baked beans every time we shop. Holding up the can of beans with a hopeful look in her eyes, she says “can we?”
No, wait… that was a dream. She just puts it straight in the trolley. It’s not even like she is buying a different flavour of beans, in fact, they are exactly the same (same company and brand), less the festive holiday packaging.

If there were a can of baked beans for every time we argued about it… it’d be Australia day all over again.

3. Naming of pets we haven’t yet bought

The discussion began lightly with small banter about what children’s names we do and don’t like, but then progressed to a fierce and dramatic debate over possible pet names. After mutually deciding that “Greg,” “Sharon” and other human names weren’t feasible possibilities, it seemed as though we were taking steps forward in our partnership.

Then she said it.

“Tinkerbell.”

4. Hypothetical questions

I’m a big fan of hypothetical questions. I think they encourage deeper thought and an open style of conversation that is hard to sustain with regular small talk. Thus far, my girlfriend has shat on every single hypothetical question I have ever asked her, completely refusing to answer them or destroying them with her “logic.”

Exhibit A:

“Okay, imagine this… ”
“No.”

“So there’s a boatload of people… you don’t know them, they could be anyone… criminals, maniacs… like proper maniacs, but you don’t know… and in the room… no wait, on another boat there’s a small child, but you can only save one boat from sinking… who do you save and why?”

“When is this ever going to happen? Honestly?”

“It’s hypothetical!”

“Yeah, but come on… it’s stupid because I’m supposed to save the child, right? But honestly, I don’t care about any of these people cause they’re not real.”
“But what if they were?”
…*silence*

5. Dish-washing

It’s too stupid. I don’t even know why it is even on this list. We all know how to wash dishes, right? Well, apparently not. My girlfriend never learnt. It’s not that she doesn’t do it, it’s just that she has the most inefficient, poor excuse of a method that I have ever seen. I mean… they do end up clean, but do you really have to squirt dish-washing liquid on every plate, cup, bowl, knife and fork before you call it a day?

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6. Beauty appliances left on bathroom sink counter

We share a bathroom, I use the term ‘sharing’ loosely because I’m yet to see the counter top. This isn’t surprising as I get about 30 straight seconds in there every day. I don’t have a problem with using the counter top space when you are actually occupying the bathroom, but I find myself having to move a blow-dryer, straightener and some brown liquid in a bottle just to wash my hands. Thankfully I have been allocated one drawer and one shelf in the medicine cabinet where I can put my things away.

God forbid it should take up some space on the her counter top.

7. Getting up for breakfast

This seems to be a recurring argument. Every morning.

She fails to respect the fact that I consider breakfast to be a time of day that is made for sharing, because when I try and (gracefully, might I add) wake her in the morning, her only response is that she wants “to sleep.”

I’ve tried to ween her onto this ludicrous idea of a communal breakfast by actually bringing her breakfast in bed. She seems to have no recollection of this, instead choosing to remember (and I quote): “That? That morning you shoved a plate of food in my face?”

I once ate breakfast alone. Apparently she didn’t like that either because the banging of pots and slamming of the microwave door woke her up. Impossible.

8. Using the washing machine for one set of clothes

Much like her dish-washing technique, my girlfriend thinks that washing machines should be filled one outfit at a time. As I wait with my basket of dirty laundry, I helplessly watch her load the washing machine with one t-shirt and a bra. 76 minutes later, I’m asked to help her put the washing out.

After finally awaiting my turn to use the machine, I arrive to find that she has used to last of the laundry liquid.

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9. Board shorts

It’s not that she’s not allowed to wear them, it’s that she shouldn’t.

She considers them equal to pants, like some would consider a port-a-loo equal to a toilet.

To make it clear, I don’t have a problem with shorts. Only board shorts.

I can do denim, I can even do potato sack. But board. Oh god, not board shorts.

10. Which arguments deserved a spot in this list.

.