Job Seeking And Destroying

Looking for a job is a job in itself. Albeit a very badly paid job, but then that is not unlike most jobs that I feel most qualified for. And by qualified, I of course mean I have absolutely no experience in this field or am even sure I understand the title of the role.

job 1

If anyone is looking for someone to write thesaurus-like resumes that make a person seem not only more useful but generally more interesting or likable than they are, then I am actually the right person for the job. However if you need me to type using more than two fingers, do more than one task at a time or clean anybody’s anything, then I am only willing to pretend do these things in an interview setting.

Would you like me to also forward you a cover letter basically stating that I created Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint? Because I have multiple copies just waiting to be read under a pile of dust on my desk.

job 2
What’s that? A group interview? Yes, of course I would love to waste my time forming with others into small groups of ten and role-playing situations that do not resemble real life.

I give it about five minutes before I guess who is actually going to be the one person out of the hundred of us who gets the job. It’s always that slightly annoying girl who brings a book of notes with her. I always bring some food with me instead because you never know how long they will drag these things out for. Who is the real genius in this situation, I ask you?

job 4
Do I have experience with customer service? Do I ever! That’s why I have been hating customers with a passion for years now.

What do you mean you regret to inform me that my application has been unsuccessful? Your print ad was poorly typed and used comic sans for christ sake. How high can your standards be? In my opinion, your own application to appear like a legitimate business that pays at least minimum wage has been very unsuccessful.

I am a team player who can work individually; someone who can supervise, manage and also follow directions from others; a creative type with an analytical mind; a person able to make sentences that incorporate two opposite things and therefore sounds suitable for any and every crappy position you have on offer. I literally can do it all – provided I don’t actually have to ‘do’ anything. I guess all I am looking for is someone to basically pay me to do nothing. Is that really too much to ask?

job 5

And another thing, on your online ‘Job Suitability Questionnaire’ why isn’t there a ‘Need Money’ option in the multiple choice? That would pretty much sum up my answer for ‘Why do you want to work for us?’ ‘What prompted you to apply for this position’, ‘Tell us about yourself’, etc. And can I ask who writes these stupid questions? Because I could easily do that. How do I get that job?


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