A Guide To Survival In Australia

Australians are a tough people. They have to be. They live alongside some of the deadliest animals on the planet and are pretty much trapped inside the country unless they can afford a plane ticket or a cruise and they also play tennis and cricket in 42° Celsius heat (eqv. to 1 million° Fahrenheit) .

Australia is a land of extremes. Meaning you have to be extremely careful. It’s national emblem contains a boxing kangaroo and a bird that is so large in size that it can’t even fly (not to be confused with that other Australian flightless bird that can kill a person using it’s foot).

If you, like many other convicts, have decided to take a trip down under, take care.
There are a vast array of ways to die in Australia to suit all tourists, but if you wish to return home, please use the following guide to keep you safe.

How To Stay Alive:

1. Don’t go in the water
   Apart from the friendly Great White Shark, a plethora of marine life is just waiting for you to dive in.  This includes the highly venomous Irukandji Jellyfish, which thankfully is about the size of a human fingernail making it more than easy to spot in moving water.
2. Don’t trust anyone
   Hitchhiking has been a favourite pastime for many unsuspecting statistics. A good idea is to look at a map of Australia before you get here and realise that the country is really f*#king big.
   Travelling from Sydney to Ayres Rock, Uluru? No worries, just start the car and drive for two days straight non-stop.
   It is a good idea to try not to look like a tourist as this will avoid the annoyance of being targeted by would-be madmen.  Tourists are often identified by wearing large backpacks, calling Melbourne ‘mel-BORN’ (as oppsed to MEL-bun) and saying things like “Let’s visit Canberra.”
   Possibly the safest option for getting around is your choice of any of the feral camels in the outback. Don’t worry, they don’t spit their saliva all over you, instead it’s just semi-digested stomach contents.
3. Don’t walk inside and around buildings
   If you decide at any point to take your shoes off before entering a house and consequently leave them unattended, assume that they are now home to a typical deadly spider like the Redback (again about the size of a human fingernail, so quite easy to detect deep inside a shoe). And don’t worry, other deadly spiders like Funnel-Webs are usually only found in obscure places like Sydney, The Blue Mountains and other highly-populated areas and their bite is only dangerous towards mammals such as primates and human beings.
4. Don’t walk outside
   Venomous snakes are fortunately only found in tropical areas, inland areas, coastal areas, and every state and territory in Australia.
5. Understand the language
   Koala are not bears at all and so should not be referred to as such, instead they are marsupials rife with chlamydia which they like to spread to tourists by urinating on them.
   And lastly: If someone tells you to wear thongs, for God’s sake, do not turn up in a G-string.

Australia: Whatever doesn’t kill you, probably doesn’t live here.