What University Has Taught Me

No cares about my opinion:
It’s true. Any time I put my personal thoughts in a written paper it is inevitably circled in red pen with the comment “No need for this.” Well, I’m sorry Professor Dumbledore or whatever but that is just rude.
Apparently if no one of ‘worthiness’ thought of the idea you are expressing then it is batshit crazy to include it because, as we all know, only the most brilliant minded people have PhDs. People like Richard Branson, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg… wait a minute.


There are too many research papers:
Academics are seriously scraping the barrel and determined to find data on things we didn’t need to know (See lolmythesis.com if you are not convinced). A favourite of mine is titled “The effect of antidepressants on righting behavior in marine and freshwater snails”. True story.
You can also bet there are a ton of students who decided to watch chicks on TV and disguise their viewing as research. Papers such as “Portrayals of Lesbian and Bisexual Women in American TV Shows” and “Representations of Female Identity in Orphan Black” make me wish I too had thought of that before foolishly enrolling into the sciences.


Money is the end goal:
You can’t put a price on aiming for academic success. Oh wait, yes you can. And it ain’t cheap.
Isn’t it funny how the extra debt you have acquired in trying to be qualified for a higher paying job means you need a higher paying job to pay it off? The scientific formula is shown thusly:
Success = Salary – (Crippling Debts x Years) 
Alternatively you can stop being a ‘lazy’ student and just get a full-time job while you complete your full-time study. It’s not rocket surgery.


Not all qualifications are created equally:
No one really respects the fact that you have an ‘Arts’ Degree. And after completing a subject in the Arts Faculty called ‘Reality Television’, neither do I. In fact, most people don’t know what what an Arts degree is so it is probably best if you don’t correct them when they ask “Oh Arts? Painting is it?”
The general consensus on the outcome of most qualifications are as follows:
Marketing = Future spruiker in a shopping centre
International Studies = Probably a foreinger likely to commit treason
Nursing / Teaching = Gluttons for punishment
Journalism = Future horoscope writer
Law = Bullshit artist
Science = “How come we can land a man on the moon but you can’t cure cancer or fix climate change?”
Fine Arts = Spent three years to master the art of splatter painting à la Jackson Pollack. (aka “I could do that”).


You can never be fully prepared:
In fact when it comes to the real world, university really doesn’t prepare you at all.
What’s that? You have a degree? Sorry, but the economy completely went down the toilet while you were doodling away at your little college. Do you have any barista skills?



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