Modern Proverbs

Words of wisdom made relevant to today’s generation:

Let he who is without selfies cast the first judgment.

Man who spend all day on Facebook should turn head to face books.

An Apple a day keeps the Galaxy away.

WWTMZD?

You can download Friends but not a friend to watch it with you.

If they invented time travel, would you have time to use it?

Money can’t bring happiness, but free shipping can help.

Every good story has an original, a sequel and a prequel.

The best things in life come with free Wi-Fi.

Do Androids dream of electric Safaris?

Every great journey begins with a single step on the accelerator.

Tis better to have loved and lost than to marry a douchebag.

You don’t know what you’ve got til Error 404.

Same-Sex Marriage: USA vs AUS

A brief history of marriage equality as viewed by an Australian:

“Will you marry me?”
“Can’t. It’s illegal. Soz.”

bruno

“Sorry, not allowed.”

May 6, 1950
– Elizabeth Taylor* marries hotel heir Conrad “Nicky” Hilton, at age 18.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Jan 29, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Conrad “Nicky” Hilton after 9 months of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 21, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Michael Wilding, who is 20 years older than her and has previously been married.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

ring

“Can’t. Nvm.”

January 26, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Michael Wilding after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 2, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Mike Todd, whom is 20 years older than her, one month after her second divorce whilst pregnant with his child. This is also Mike Todd’s third marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 22, 1958
– Elizabeth Taylor’s husband Mike Todd dies and becomes the only marriage of hers not to end in divorce.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 12, 1959
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Eddie Fisher, who was best man at her previous wedding. He divorces his first wife to be with her, and will have a total of 5 marriages and 4 divorces in his lifetime.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

rude

“Good for you.”

March 6, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Eddie Fisher after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 15, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Richard Burton after the couple have an affair while both being married to other people.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

June 26, 1974
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 10, 1975
– Elizabeth Taylor remarries Richard Burton after being divorced from him for a year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

wedding

“Homosexuals need not apply.”

July 29, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton again after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

December 4, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor marries John Warner, who later becomes a United States Senator.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

November 7, 1982
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces John Warner after 6 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 6, 1991
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Larry Fortensky, whom she met in the Betty Ford rehab centre.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

MeetMeQuote

“Can’t. Soz.”

October 31, 1996
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Larry Fortensky after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 22, 2000
– Kim Kardashian marries music producer Damon Thomas, at age 19.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 3, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Jason Alexander at a Las Vegas chapel.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

juliet

“Government says ‘No!'”

January 5, 2004
– Britney Spears annuls her marriage to Jason Alexander 55 hours after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Feburary, 2004
– Kim Kardashian divorces Damon Thomas after 4 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 17, 2004
– Massachusetts becomes the first of many US jurisdictions to license and recognise same-sex marriage. In a surprise twist, an Apocalypse does not suddenly destroy the earth.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

magic

“Not allowed: Illegal.”

September 18, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline, a dancer whom she met the same year as her annulment and became engaged to after knowing each other for 3 months, after he left his pregnant fiancee.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July, 2006
– A same-sex couple become the first to divorce in USA. Against all predictions, the sanctity of marriage is not completely ruined for everyone else.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July 30, 2007
– Britney Spears divorces Kevin Federline after 3 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

August 20, 2011
– Kim Kardashian marries Kris Humphries after dating for 1 year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

June 3, 2013
– Kim Kasdashian divorces Kris Humphries after filing divorce papers 72 days after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

love

“Fanx 4 dat.”

May 24, 2014
– Kim Kardashian marries Kanye West, having dating him while her second divorce was being finalised.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

*Just to clarify, the actress Elizabeth Taylor was a goddess, don’t get me wrong. But seriously Australia, get your shit together so I can marry someone as hot as her at least once. 

gay marriage

USA: 1 AUS: 0

Top 10 Reasons You Are Getting Laid

If you are moderately attractive, have nice hair and, in some cases also posses some form of personality, chances are you are or have been in a relationship. Sometimes during these relationships, physical contact is developed to express a mutual desire and love between the two individuals.
But most likely the real reason she is having sex you is because of one of the following:

1. She is filling in the time between meals.

2. She is stressed out about an upcoming event or work function and needs a distraction.

3. She is planning to ask you a favour.

4. The house was a mess and she chose intercourse over cleaning up.

5. She was watching / reading something much sexier than you.

6. She just helped a friend through an awful break-up and realised you aren’t that bad.

7. She felt crap about a comment someone made earlier and wants to forget about it for a while.

8. Her period is due soon so she wants to have some fun before things turn ugly.

9. She wanted to do some exercise without really working out.

10. She wanted to relax so she could get a good night’s rest.

11. You are wildly attractive and she couldn’t resist you.

cropped-adventures.jpg

The Plus Side Of Getting Older

This post has been featured on SameSame; Australia’s #1 Gay and Lesbian website.
http://www.samesame.com.au/features/11706/9-plus-sides-of-getting-older

The Plus Side Of Getting Older

  • No one expects you to stay out late.

As you have gotten older and realised that a good mattress is the key to not waking up with a bad back, you start to appreciate any good night of rest you can get.

  • You discover the amazing mealtime known as brunch.

You start to replace fast food with actual food and begin a wild love affair with every cafe that offers an all-day breakfast menu.

  • Comfort takes over style.

Casual Friday starts creeping a little more into other days of your week and you begin to embrace the fact that because you are closer to 40 than to 20, most people aren’t expecting you to be sexy anyway.

  • You realise high school did not matter.

You have let go of your vision of turning up to your high school reunion having become wildly rich and powerful.
You are now no longer afraid to run into people you went to school with because, thanks to the magic of Facebook, you already know that they have been as equally unsuccessful in life as you.

  • You don’t feel guilty when indulging.

Watching your weight has literally taken a backseat as you begin to let yourself go a little.
One cannot simply have a coffee without first ordering a slice of cake.

  • Work isn’t so bad.

Having spent your life working around dickheads and sucking up to executives jerks, you start to enjoy any time not spent with these people instead of stressing out about the next interaction.

  • You are willing to pay more to not be uncomfortable.

Gone are the days when you would cheap out and stay in a crappy hostel dorm with several of the smelliest travelers, from now on whenever you travel, you will be doing it fabulously.

  • You discover that paradise is a Good Ol’ Sit Down

At one time in your life, sitting around on your ass would have been the most boring activity imaginable. Nowadays you can’t wait to leave work or any social event to get home, sit back, kick up your feet and relax.
And better yet, no one can tell you not to.

  • The only thing closer to death than you, is any sense of shame you once possessed.

What’s that? You want to pay for your groceries entirely using coins from your savings jar? Go for it!
And now you’ve decided you’ve waited too long in this queue and want to be next? Move on up.
You’re old dammit. You’ve earned this.
Besides, you’ve already lived longer than any of these idiots around you, they should be grateful for everything your generation gave them.
Read my wrinkles: DILLIGAF?

A Typical Day In My Life (According To My Google Search History)

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7:08AM      Facebook

7:57AM      Breakfast Ideas

8:02AM      Easy breakfast ideas

8:05AM      Breakfast ideas with least than 5 ingredients

8:07AM      What is the cheapest cereal?

8:08AM      Grocery store opening hours Sydney area

8:25AM      Online banking

10:05AM     Facebook

10:32AM     things to do in Sydney

10:34AM     Free things to do in Sydney

10:35AM     Facebook

10:37AM     shopping centres Sydney area

11:53AM     convert American dress size to UK sizing

11:58AM     Online banking

12:14PM     Meal ideas

12:17PM     Healthy meal ideas

12:20PM     Healthy cheap easy meal ideas

12:22PM     What is turmeric?

2:19PM      Cheapest petrol Sydney area

3:09PM      Food allergies

3:13PM      What causes bloating?

3:28PM      Refund policies / returning clothing

3:54PM      Shopping centre closing hours Sydney area

4:42PM      Facebook

5:01PM      New release movies

5:10PM      Lesbian films

5:10PM      Lesbian films (safesearch turned on)

5:56PM      video store trading hours Sydney area

6:27PM      Online banking

7:19PM      Facebook

7:24PM      Best nachos recipe

9:41PM      Facebook

10:02PM     Lesbian films (safesearch turned off)