Same-Sex Marriage: USA vs AUS

A brief history of marriage equality as viewed by an Australian:

“Will you marry me?”
“Can’t. It’s illegal. Soz.”

bruno

“Sorry, not allowed.”

May 6, 1950
– Elizabeth Taylor* marries hotel heir Conrad “Nicky” Hilton, at age 18.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Jan 29, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Conrad “Nicky” Hilton after 9 months of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 21, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Michael Wilding, who is 20 years older than her and has previously been married.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

ring

“Can’t. Nvm.”

January 26, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Michael Wilding after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

February 2, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Mike Todd, whom is 20 years older than her, one month after her second divorce whilst pregnant with his child. This is also Mike Todd’s third marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 22, 1958
– Elizabeth Taylor’s husband Mike Todd dies and becomes the only marriage of hers not to end in divorce.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 12, 1959
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Eddie Fisher, who was best man at her previous wedding. He divorces his first wife to be with her, and will have a total of 5 marriages and 4 divorces in his lifetime.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

rude

“Good for you.”

March 6, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Eddie Fisher after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

March 15, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Richard Burton after the couple have an affair while both being married to other people.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

June 26, 1974
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 10, 1975
– Elizabeth Taylor remarries Richard Burton after being divorced from him for a year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

wedding

“Homosexuals need not apply.”

July 29, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton again after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

December 4, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor marries John Warner, who later becomes a United States Senator.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

November 7, 1982
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces John Warner after 6 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

October 6, 1991
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Larry Fortensky, whom she met in the Betty Ford rehab centre.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

MeetMeQuote

“Can’t. Soz.”

October 31, 1996
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Larry Fortensky after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 22, 2000
– Kim Kardashian marries music producer Damon Thomas, at age 19.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

January 3, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Jason Alexander at a Las Vegas chapel.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

juliet

“Government says ‘No!'”

January 5, 2004
– Britney Spears annuls her marriage to Jason Alexander 55 hours after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

Feburary, 2004
– Kim Kardashian divorces Damon Thomas after 4 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.

May 17, 2004
– Massachusetts becomes the first of many US jurisdictions to license and recognise same-sex marriage. In a surprise twist, an Apocalypse does not suddenly destroy the earth.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

magic

“Not allowed: Illegal.”

September 18, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline, a dancer whom she met the same year as her annulment and became engaged to after knowing each other for 3 months, after he left his pregnant fiancee.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July, 2006
– A same-sex couple become the first to divorce in USA. Against all predictions, the sanctity of marriage is not completely ruined for everyone else.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

July 30, 2007
– Britney Spears divorces Kevin Federline after 3 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

August 20, 2011
– Kim Kardashian marries Kris Humphries after dating for 1 year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

June 3, 2013
– Kim Kasdashian divorces Kris Humphries after filing divorce papers 72 days after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.

love

“Fanx 4 dat.”

May 24, 2014
– Kim Kardashian marries Kanye West, having dating him while her second divorce was being finalised.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.

*Just to clarify, the actress Elizabeth Taylor was a goddess, don’t get me wrong. But seriously Australia, get your shit together so I can marry someone as hot as her at least once. 

gay marriage

USA: 1 AUS: 0

Hate Mails For Our Hate Mailers

Dear small-minded human,

We appreciate your feedback.
Actually, we appreciate the fact that you are able to string a sentence together at all. You must be very highly educated and knowledgeable. I can only assume so being that this is a humourous blog designed to hurt no one and so perhaps your hate mail was more an ironic, comedic twist rather than the moronic, illogical invasion of reason it comes across as.

We have read your arguments as to why our lifestyle choices make you uncomfortable and would like to retort that your rudeness and lack of punctuation makes us, as well as many members of the heterosexual community, highly uncomfortable. However, if you may be willing to change then perhaps we would be more likely to ‘Eat a dick’ as you so kindly recommended.

I don’t have much hope though that you may be able to accept the lives of two people across the other side of the world, as you don’t yet seem to have the mental capacity to realise that by contacting us,  we are clearly able to see your email address.
Should we ever feel the need to attack the personal life of someone we don’t know, we will be sure to keep you in mind.

Lots of love,
The Adventures In Loserville Team.

Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

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The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

Adventures in loserville-31

If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.