A Strongly-Worded Open Letter: Arnott’s Scotch Fingers

Dear Mr and / or Mrs Arnott,

It is with deep, choc-coated sadness that I regret to inform you of my dissatisfaction with one of your delicious, possibly wholesome biscuit snacks. I refer here to one of your self-appointed ‘favourites’, notably, the classic Scotch Finger. (Fig 1.)
I will ignore that fact that you are clearly sending jobs overseas by promoting Scottish goods instead of introducing an Australia Finger, and instead focus your attention to the dilemma which rests within the engineering of the product itself.

scotch 1

Fig 1, in case you forgot what your own product looks like.

You see, given the design of the Scotch finger, we have been misled into believing that this product can be shared and eaten in finger-sized portions. The dented middle-line teases us with a sense of wonderment as if to ensure us that yes, we can break this directly down the middle, every time.

WRONG.

I conducted a full packet of research to support my theory that this breakage line is a fallacy and the result? Only two of my biscuits successfully broke apart into separate fingers. And this was only possible after I had developed a technique, formulated throughout the experience, which involved forceful wrist movements and a set of pliers.

I put it to to you sir, or madam, that you have created a faulty product that, despite appearances, fails to deliver. Just imagine the collective embarrassment that little old ladies are facing daily across the nation as they hand over to their guests biscuit samples that look like this:

scotch 2

Fig 2. Warning: Image may be disturbing to some viewers.

I don’t often go out of my way to make complaints to companies more than once a week, but on this instance I simply could not stay silent. Like a Scotch Finger being pulled apart with both hands, I have reached my breaking point.

If I see no action has been taken in the future, I will be left with no choice but to bis-cott your products.
Please rectify this problem as soon as possible or I will left with only my own finger to dunk into my tea and you will have a lawsuit on your hands.

Although, given that you are now well over the ripe old age of 150 years at this point, I will forgive if there is a slight delay in your response. However, with the obvious urgency of this matter, I would like to see to it that this issue is prioritised at your next meeting.

Please unite to divide the Scotch Finger correctly.

Remember: There is no substitute for quality. scotch 3

 

Yours sincerely,

Tim Tam.

 

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