Conversing In Puns: Another Way To Annoy People (Part II)

Corny Puns…

“Herb you heard the news?”
“No, spill the beans. Dish.”
“We’re all going out to play Squash tomorrow. Spread the word.”
“I can’t plate.”
“Oh cardamon, ol’ chum! Wok’s wrong?”
“I’m not game. I’m chicken. I’ve never bean.”
“Look, olive oily in the morning and we’ll go down there and give it a grow.”
“No, there’s no thyme.”
“Yes there is, you mustard it to your list of things to do.”
“I don’t carrot ’bout it.”
“You’re making a mis-steak.”
“But I can’t serve.”
“Fork-get about that, you will learn spoon enough.”
“It’s knife of you to offer but it’s just not mint to be.”
“You’re nuts.”
“Orange you being a bit clove-minded?”
“You should just cumin try and seed how you like it.”
“O-kale try.”
“I knew you wouldn’t lettuce down. Well done.”
“I didn’t realise you would be so in-salted if I dill’d not water do it.”
“You know meat. It wood-fire me up if I had you there playing with me.”
“Guest I’m on your team then?”
“Jam right you are.”
“Sweet.”
“Soy what are you whey-tin’ for?”
“Cheese-us, mate. Can’t I have a moment of pea-ce?”
“I juice want to make sure you’re pre-pear’d.”
“It doesn’t look berry easy.”
“You’ll be grape at it.”
“Thanks, sugar.”
“Ooh, saucy.”
“…cheesy.”

Useless Talents That No One Appreciates

Some people are gifted with a wide variety of natural talents. For others, our talents are so specific that they are virtually useless in most aspects of life.

The following is a compilation of useless talents that we feel deserve recognition.
Despite the fact that these skills will rarely, if ever, be called upon, they are still impressive and should treated thusly nonetheless.

Useless Talents That Deserve Respect Points:

1. Correctly Guessing The Exact Time Without A Clock

Possible use(s):
If stranded on desert island without an iPhone, still being able to figure out what the time is.

Downfalls:
Need a clock to verify accuracy, thereby defeating the purpose of the skill.
Does not save you from imminent death.

2. Writing Legibly With Non-Dominant Hand

Possible use(s):
Writing ‘Help’ note whilst dominant arm is crushed under a car, etc.
Signing autographs while you are being pulled in all directions by fans.

Downfalls:

Implies temporary or permanent loss of use of dominant hand.
Not guaranteed to make you famous.

3. Consistently Remembering The Colour/Number/Letter Where Your Car Is Parked In Multi-Storey Parking Lots

Possible use(s):
Finding your car quicker after exiting the shops

Downfalls:
Does not guarantee you will find a parking spot.
Lack of validation from passengers.
Still requiring validation for your parking.

4. Knowing The Lyrics To An Extensive Amount Of Songs

Possible use(s):
Singing along to every song on the radio.

Downfalls:
Everyone thinks they have this skill.

Being Able To Take Off A Bra Whilst Wearing A Jumper

Possible use(s):
Remaining clothed and using the underwire to pick the lock of a door.

Downfalls:
Possibility of cold weather
Difficulty if needing to run away.

Making Puns

Possible use(s):
Coming up with better newspaper headings.
Adding clever hashtags.
Annoying friends.

Downfalls:
Requires friends.

Conversing In Puns: Another Way To Annoy People

We also have more puns here to feed your unhealthy appetite for annoying others: https://adventuresinloserville.wordpress.com/2014/09/12/food-for-thought-hot-cross-puns/

You have toad read this. It’s unbearably punny.

“This weather is toad-ally oppressive.”
“It’s gonna overheat my car; will have to get it toad.”
“You’ll find the tow truck right down the toad.”
“Frog-get about it. Legs just move on.”
“Frog’s wrong with you?”
“I’ve got toad get away.”
“Warts wrong?”
“This car breaking down is a toad of crap.”
“Toad you so.”
“It just hasn’t toad the line.”
“I cane only imagine.”
“Hey sugar, cane we throw a toad-ga party sometime?”
“Sounds good. You better hop to organising it then.”
“Actually I’m toads not into that, take that idea and ribbit up.”
“That’s pretty saddening. On a scale of 1-10, I think that party would have been pretty fly.”
“Lily bit, yeah.”
“The plans are a bit too amphib-uous for me to figure out.”
“You’re right, they are a bit froggy.”
“Well perhaps we should toadst in the New Year another way?”
“I’d be swamped trying to fit everyone in my lil’ pad anyway.”
“That’s a load of bullfrog.”
“Well sugar, that’s a very cane-did thing of you to say.”
“Wet of it? Get frogged!”
“You’re croaking under the pressure!”
“Yeah, I guess that was cold. A bit frogs-ty.”
“Ouch. My heart… it’s developing frogstbite.”
“Cane Toad-ally see why.”
“I might have to leg it out of here.”
“I newt you wood croak first. Before you bounce, just wanted to know wet land your ancestors are from? Is it true you’re a tad Polish?”
“Greenland, actually. Trees, don’t bring it up in future.”
“Toad-che`. I’m green with envy.”
“Farewell, I hope I’ve bes-toad you with some quality entertainment.”
“Toad-let humour.”

…

“This blog is bearly funny.”
“I can’t bear it.”
“Seems we are losing our comedic bearings.”
“We should think of bear-ter puns.”
“There’s a good pawsibilitly we can’t pawsibly come up with better ones.”
“I might cave and write some bad ones.”
“Hopefully they wont be beary bad or I might go bearzerk.”
“There’s a good polar-sibility of that.”
“I’ll be pre-beared for that.”
“Of claws you will.”
“Cub it out.”
“Snow way.”
“Ice can’t stand this.”
“Honey-stly, we should just give up.”
“It’s you; you’re the bear-d influence.”

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