House Rules

In light of recent events (the greater majority to do with gas problems and particular wafting smells), I present to you a list of house rules.

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1. No extreme swearing. Such behaviour is only acceptable when making known to others the places, people, objects, food stuffs, smells, celebrities, bad hair days, and general elements of the world that we dislike and/or are allowed to critique.

2. The walk-in pantry can only be used as a hiding spot in the event of

  • Natural disaster
  • Apocalypse
  • Determined salespeople

If one wishes to use the pantry as a naughty corner or place of wallowing, a sign must be placed on the door reading ‘Pondering of life in progress. Do not knock unless offering of hug or high-calorie sweet treat will occur thereafter.’

If person inside pantry is mislead and is instead offered fruit or other food that does not induce sugary happiness, all condiments inside the pantry can be consumed without question, suspicion or consequence. What happens in the pantry, stays in the pantry.

3. All smells must be spoken of. If smell in question is smelt and then smeller of smell refrains from speaking of it, that smell is then void. Naming and shaming smells will contribute to the overall maturation of a smell-free, Tropicana-like environment.

4. Respect and love the house as if it is your first born. Give it your whole-hearted attention, especially on rainy days where it will be feeling inadequate and under the weather. This respect can be shown in a number of ways – a friendly smile or an encouraging pat on the back door, some general words of appreciation.

Beware though, for giving the kettle too much attention can often result in things boiling over.

5. A fortune cookie once told me that cleanliness is next to godliness, and it’s common knowledge that to ignore a cryptically written message placed inside a baked good would be akin to using toilet paper with less than three ply. Both surfaces just end up dirty and brown.

The process of ‘cleaning’ cannot be categorized as the following: half-hearted wiping of surfaces with a dry napkin, brushing of crumbs to a different corner of the bench-top, and hiding of disregarded rubbish under life-size plush toys. Excuses such as ‘it was there when I got here’ will only be accepted when referring to toys of a sexual nature or half-eaten chocolate bars.

6. The opening of blinds in the morning will be tolerated only with the exchange of hugs and compliments such as ‘your hair looks pretty’ or, if struggling, ‘your eyeliner is smeared and you look like road kill, but you smell better than you did yesterday.’

7. The command of ‘don’t even’ possesses holy status, and should therefore be heeded at all times.

8. CAT – Cooking Ability Tolerance. A concept involving an ongoing awareness that neither of us can cook, and any attempt at cooking anything of difficulty greater than opening a can is something done with knowledge that an end to dignity is possibly imminent. Basically, if I cook something and burn it, feel free to tease me and mock, but please eat it and keep the cringing to a minimum. Chances are I’ve burnt it out of love, or with the hope that burning it enough times will push you to the very edge, and with the cue of a string quartet, you will announce that from now on, the cooking is your job. Odds are the latter won’t happen, so let’s just both agree to ingest more bad meals than anyone should have to ingest in a lifetime simply because we love each other.

9. Think and speak clearly and honestly. Give attention and time where attention and time should be given. Communicate openly without fear of the after-effect. Love boldly every day and be bold in showing that love.

10. In this household, stupidity is both accepted and encouraged. Be proud of that time you used hand-soap as shampoo, and share that pride with the rest of the world.

11. A stormy night in this household should not be weathered alone. A night in which obvious rainfall and wind can be both heard and seen assumes an ongoing episode of cuddles for an indefinite period of time.

12. Notes can only be passed under the toilet door in the event of an extreme emergency. Such emergencies can include but are not limited to:

– Spontaneous declarations of love

– Melting plastic containers

– TV antenna crisis’ of any nature

– General complaints

– Anything that needs to be said at the time of passing

– So, in conclusion, pretty much anything

14. The bright orange-painted feature wall is what it’s called: a feature. Anyone who disrespects the feature wall, through either verbal dialect or non-verbal cues (funny looks, unnecessary staring), must be escorted out of the house immediately, even if said person lives there.

15. The feature wall is a creative space.

16. Laugh at each other’s jokes, even if they scream “recycled” or “the vomit bucket is to your left.”

17. Learn, learn, learn! Learn from the other person and allow the other person teach you. These don’t necessarily have to be talents or skills – they can be as small as bringing to light elements of your personality that you didn’t know you initially had, streaks of tenacity and strength which were always there but waiting to come out.

18. Love the other person unquestionably and to no limit, even if their farts smell like French onion.

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