Hate Mails For Our Hate Mailers

Dear small-minded human,

We appreciate your feedback.
Actually, we appreciate the fact that you are able to string a sentence together at all. You must be very highly educated and knowledgeable. I can only assume so being that this is a humourous blog designed to hurt no one and so perhaps your hate mail was more an ironic, comedic twist rather than the moronic, illogical invasion of reason it comes across as.

We have read your arguments as to why our lifestyle choices make you uncomfortable and would like to retort that your rudeness and lack of punctuation makes us, as well as many members of the heterosexual community, highly uncomfortable. However, if you may be willing to change then perhaps we would be more likely to ‘Eat a dick’ as you so kindly recommended.

I don’t have much hope though that you may be able to accept the lives of two people across the other side of the world, as you don’t yet seem to have the mental capacity to realise that by contacting us,  we are clearly able to see your email address.
Should we ever feel the need to attack the personal life of someone we don’t know, we will be sure to keep you in mind.

Lots of love,
The Adventures In Loserville Team.

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Protests I’d Like To See

The Cause:
A protest against stores charging us amounts that we do not have the denominations of coins for. (eg. $4.99).
If a country has ceased producing one and two cent coins then we should not be expected to make up the difference due to rounding up out of our own pocket.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
I’ve Got 99 Problems / More Dollars Than Sense.

The Cause:
A call for a government-funded scheme that gives out free curtains to low socio-economic families that hang ugly, eyesore bed sheets in their windows.
Not only would this raise the desirability of problem areas and attract investment and community growth, but it would cover up problems of poverty by making the government appear like they are actually trying to help.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
Give Pleats A Chance.

The Cause:
Introduce a tax on customers who are rude.
Likewise, this may extend to the implementation of discounts when dealing with poor service.
In a sense, forcibly making the world a better place.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
Manners Cost Nothing.

The Cause:
Encourage the use of public transport by introducing a Frequent Rider Points program.
Points could be exchanged for goods and services such as cheaper gym membership, discounted bills at supermarkets, free coffee at selected outlets, etc.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
Low Rider / They See Me Rollin’.

The Cause:
Making overfeeding a child be officially recognised as a form of abuse.
Childhood obesity is becoming an epidemic, despite it being a preventable outcome.
It was recently reported that a boy dubbed ‘The world’s fattest baby’ (An 8 month old Colombian child who holds the weight of an average 6 year old) is now having to undergo life-saving surgery due to one person who can only be described as ‘The world’s stupidest parent’.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
You Feed, We Bleed / Let Them Eat Hate / Wont Somebody Think Of The Children.

The Cause:
Scrap Christian-related holidays in place of more modern, inclusive holidays.
This could include suggestions such as National Day Off, Health Day, Personal Day, Friends and Family Day, Exchanging Crappy Gifts Day, etc.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
No More Breaks For Christ’s Sake.

The Cause:
A protest against paying for services which essentially do nothing.
This includes, but is not limited to, paying an account keeping fee to a bank, paying to leave your car unattended in a parking space, and paying an ATM fee to access your own money.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
Money For Nothing.

The Cause:
A call for the general public to stop idolising people who do not contribute to society, eg. The Kardashian Family.
Suggested Placard Slogan:
We Don’t Give A Krap.

A Typical Conversation With Myself At The Gym

“Ok, yep, I’m ready.
Totally gonna smash this out.
Gonna do 10kms on the treadmill, yep.
Alright.
Ok.
Looking good.
Feeling alright.
I got this.

Yep.
This isn’t so bad.
Don’t know why I thought this would be so hard.
I’m killing it.
Probably the fittest one here.
Yep, pretty much.

Oh wait, nope.
No, she definitely looks more toned then me.
Better move up to a higher speed.
Yep.
Nope, too fast.
Back down.
Ok, yep.
Take a drink, that’s it.
Recovery.
Definitely got this.
Alright, good she’s gone.
Feeling good.
Feeling good.

Oh, I love this song.
Alright, gonna sprint during the chorus.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
GO!

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Feeling like a champion.
Probably look like a pro.
Oh God.
God, hurry up.
Why is this chorus so long?
Keep going.
Still going.
Bit more.

Nope.
Can’t do it.
Alright, that’s ok.
Most of the chorus.
That’s good.
Just gonna pace it for the rest of the song.
Yep, taking a drink.

Ok, and I am at… 1km?
What?
Feel like I’ve been on here for ages.
Oh God, not even half way.
Better aim for 5kms.

Ok, yep.
5kms, I can do this.
Yep, almost half way.
Better slow it down.
Don’t want to over do it.
Yep, getting there.
Ok.
Almost half way.
Alright.
Ok, more like one-third of the way.
But that’s alright.
Feeling good.

Little bit sore, but moving on.
Not gonna think about it.
Gonna ignore that slight pain in my knee.
Just pretend its not there.
Just jogging it off.

Ok, seriously what is that?
Really starting to hurt.
Better slow it down a bit more.
Don’t want to risk it.
Besides almost finished.
Almost finished.
Yep, alright.
Couple more kms.
Just a few more kms.
Keep going.
Oh God, she’s back.

And great, she picked the treadmill next to me.
Who does that?
There are like a million others to choose from.
Better have a drink.

Alright refocus.
Almost there.
What is going on with my knee?
Slowing it up again.
Should’ve stretched.
Knew it.
Just gonna walk it off.

Oh god, still another 2kms to go.
Don’t think I can do it.
Probably shouldn’t.
Could have a serious sports injury here.
Better finish it up.

Alright I’ll just get to 3.5kms and then I’ll stop.
Doing good.
Doing good.

3.3kms.

Yep, pretty close.

Little bit more.

God, shouldn’t have drank so much.
Need to pee.
Alright little bit further, then I’ll get off.
Few more minutes.

Yep, just few more steps.

Nope.
That’ll do.
Over it.”

—- End scene —-

Useless Talents That No One Appreciates

Some people are gifted with a wide variety of natural talents. For others, our talents are so specific that they are virtually useless in most aspects of life.

The following is a compilation of useless talents that we feel deserve recognition.
Despite the fact that these skills will rarely, if ever, be called upon, they are still impressive and should treated thusly nonetheless.

Useless Talents That Deserve Respect Points:

1. Correctly Guessing The Exact Time Without A Clock

Possible use(s):
If stranded on desert island without an iPhone, still being able to figure out what the time is.

Downfalls:
Need a clock to verify accuracy, thereby defeating the purpose of the skill.
Does not save you from imminent death.

2. Writing Legibly With Non-Dominant Hand

Possible use(s):
Writing ‘Help’ note whilst dominant arm is crushed under a car, etc.
Signing autographs while you are being pulled in all directions by fans.

Downfalls:

Implies temporary or permanent loss of use of dominant hand.
Not guaranteed to make you famous.

3. Consistently Remembering The Colour/Number/Letter Where Your Car Is Parked In Multi-Storey Parking Lots

Possible use(s):
Finding your car quicker after exiting the shops

Downfalls:
Does not guarantee you will find a parking spot.
Lack of validation from passengers.
Still requiring validation for your parking.

4. Knowing The Lyrics To An Extensive Amount Of Songs

Possible use(s):
Singing along to every song on the radio.

Downfalls:
Everyone thinks they have this skill.

Being Able To Take Off A Bra Whilst Wearing A Jumper

Possible use(s):
Remaining clothed and using the underwire to pick the lock of a door.

Downfalls:
Possibility of cold weather
Difficulty if needing to run away.

Making Puns

Possible use(s):
Coming up with better newspaper headings.
Adding clever hashtags.
Annoying friends.

Downfalls:
Requires friends.

In Sickness and In Convenient Times

When a single person gets sick and nobody is around, it is fair for them to assume they will die alone and become the subject of newspaper headings containing phrases such as ‘found three days later’, ‘strange smell from next door’ and/or ‘lonely spinster’.

When a person in a relationship is faced with a sick partner, an equally unfair series of events unfold.

In theory:
Your partner will inevitably get sick from time to time. It is understood that when your significant other is sick they will expect some form of sympathy from you. This should be offered without hesitation.

In practice:
Your partner may get sick at times that are inconvenient to your plans, or claim sickness much more frequently than you had been made aware of in the initial stages of dating. Furthermore, your partner will inevitably at some point, exaggerate the duration of their sickness in order to get some additional attention. It is understood that no sympathy will be given to you, the healthier, kinder specimen, as you wait on them hand and foot during their apparent spout of headaches or mysterious cough which miraculously disappears during their favourite TV shows. You should know when to pick your battles without hesitation.

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Opposedly, should the situation reverse and you get sick, it is fair to forget the tedious tasks you were forced to endure in the name of sickness. You rightfully wont recall how you felt unappreciated making your beloved dinner night after night due to a blocked nose they felt several days earlier. Your health is the most important thing you have, so you should not risk injuring your back on top of everything else by going and getting a glass of water yourself. If they really loved you they would understand.

Note: This remains the case unless you or your partner cry ‘Period Pain’ which trumps everything and should be tended to with the utmost forms of sympathy and gifts.

Making New Friends: A Necessary Evil

Making new friends can be an exciting concept.
Or, most likely, it can be a tedious, annoying necessity because your current small circle of friends have decided to individually develop lives that do not entirely revolve around you.

Adventures in loserville-30

The process of making friends is simple in theory, but unfortunately every person we meet is different.
You may be able to find some common interests with people you meet but you also run the risk of meeting people who enjoy talking about politics and therefore are not viable candidates to spend any time with.

If you find that at times your sudden desire to socialise (ie: wanting to share your sense of loneliness with someone else) does not fit the schedule of your busy, therefore unforgivable, selfish friends, then you too will need to begin the process of making new friends

To do this you need to think of friendship as an equation. Boring people are disposable and can be cut of the equation but good-looking people or people with nice cars are good solid answers and should be sought after. The formula for making new friends is simply selecting individuals to spend time with and beginning an elimination process. Eliminations should be based on important factors such as whether you can stand this person’s company, whether it will make you seem less or more attractive to others if this person is around you, and also taking into account how much money this person earns and the likelihood of you receiving any benefits from this.

A typical venture into making new friends is demonstrated below:

  • Sit around at home
  • Decide to make new friends
  • Search Facebook
  • Select someone you somewhat know
  • Initiate chat
  • Panic and wish to destroy all evidence when they have seen your greeting and not responded
  • Receive a response
  • Proceed to reminisce about every minor encounter you have every experienced with this person
    OR
    Talk entirely about mutual friends
  • Try to find mutual interests, however small
  • Keep conversation going by continually asking them questions
  • Arrange to meet for coffee
  • Quietly freak out about what to talk about at next meeting
  • Get dressed in nicer clothes than usual and meet for coffee
  • Say hello
  • Order the same as them
  • Feel off to a good start
  • Talk about a funny comment they made on chat log
  • Elaborate
  • Talk about meeting place interior design
  • Discuss
  • Talk about weather
  • Pause
  • Mention “This is nice”
  • Sip coffee
  • Talk about what else you are doing today
  • Look at watch
  • Realise time is dragging on in this person’s company
  • Try to remember what slithers of information made you decide to select them
  • Long to sit by yourself
  • Realise conversation has stopped completely
  • Say “This is nice” again
  • Quietly stress out about whether they are finding this awkward
  • Realise this isn’t as nice as you had  hoped
  • Start to figure out how to wrap up meeting
  • Come up with an escape plan
  • Excahnge polite words
  • Say “We should do this again”
  • Make an exit
  • Vow never to do this again
  • Go home
  • Eat
  • Sleep
  • Wake up
  • Eat
  • Sit around at home

And so concludes another attempt at the annoying, often regrettable process of making new friends.

Repeat as necessary, until your standards become lower.

Adventures in loserville-31

If you have found that any of the information written here has been useful to you, please don’t hesitate to avoid me.
We clearly have nothing in common.

New Year: Resolutions VS Results

Resolution:
Lose weight

Actual result:
Binge eat leftover Christmas ham and turkey until March.
Favour gifted boxes of chocolate for breakfast in place of cereal.

Resolution:
Be kinder

Actual result:
Get caught in traffic after New Years fireworks and throw resolution and abuse out the window.

Resolution:
Sleep more

Actual result:
Stay up till midnight to watch fireworks. Ruin body clock. Never sleep before midnight again.

Resolution:
Drink less

Actual result:
Collect all bottles of wine in house in an effort to allocate and re-gift. Wake up with hangover.

Resolution:
Meet new people

Actual result:
Send a private Facebook message that gets seen and not responded to. Give up on any further human contact.

Resolution:
Learn how to cook

Actual result:
Venture to shops with gourmet recipe in mind. Buy all condiments. Make recipe once. Never use ingredients again.

Resolution:
Travel

Actual result:
Look up airfares during holiday period.
Buy lottery ticket instead.

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