What We Have Learnt From Tinder

The desire to communicate with only good-looking people is a very real, desperate need for most humans. Dating, casual sex, (and to a lesser extent, meaningful relationships) are all a wonderful part of life. And so, Tinder has come to our rescue, to ensure that only the highest quality of people dare to speak to us and address us by our alleged name.

According to our thorough and pathetic research, our studies have shown that if you are using Tinder, it is mandatory that your profile photos contain the following:

Males
– A shirtless photo
– A photo sporting a beard and/or sunglasses to make it hard to determine how attractive you really are
– Drinking photo

Females
– Bathroom Selfie
– Bikini shot
– Photo with a more attractive female friend(s) without specifying which one you are


In addition, should someone be bothered to find out a single thing about your personality before they swipe right on yo’ fine ass, you will need to include the following:

Males
– Your height (real or wishful)
– If you have ever picked up a barbell and attempted a bench press, you better mention it here
– Throw the terms ‘fun times’, ‘chilled’ and ‘cool’ in there
– “Drinkin’ with ma bois” also appears to be a favourite hobby amongst the gentlemen

Females
– A link to your ‘really inspiring’ instagram photos
– If you are blonde, it is important that you reiterate this here, in case your photos were not clear enough
– Throw the terms ‘travel’ and ‘having fun’ and ‘looking to meet new people’ in there somewhere
– If you are not looking to hook-up and are “In a relationship”, please note this statement will often be interpreted as “Not in a relationship”

The principle theory of Tinder is that it is perfectly fine to judge a book by it’s cover, especially if you don’t plan to read it or call it the next day.

If you have followed these simple rules for your profile, then you too will be happily matched in no time to the nearest douche-bag or tart.

Good luck!

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