A brief history of marriage equality as viewed by an Australian:
“Will you marry me?”
“Can’t. It’s illegal. Soz.”“Sorry, not allowed.”
May 6, 1950
– Elizabeth Taylor* marries hotel heir Conrad “Nicky” Hilton, at age 18.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
Jan 29, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Conrad “Nicky” Hilton after 9 months of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
February 21, 1952
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Michael Wilding, who is 20 years older than her and has previously been married.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
“Can’t. Nvm.”
January 26, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Michael Wilding after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
February 2, 1957
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Mike Todd, whom is 20 years older than her, one month after her second divorce whilst pregnant with his child. This is also Mike Todd’s third marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
March 22, 1958
– Elizabeth Taylor’s husband Mike Todd dies and becomes the only marriage of hers not to end in divorce.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
May 12, 1959
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Eddie Fisher, who was best man at her previous wedding. He divorces his first wife to be with her, and will have a total of 5 marriages and 4 divorces in his lifetime.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
“Good for you.”
March 6, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Eddie Fisher after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
March 15, 1964
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Richard Burton after the couple have an affair while both being married to other people.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
June 26, 1974
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
October 10, 1975
– Elizabeth Taylor remarries Richard Burton after being divorced from him for a year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
“Homosexuals need not apply.”
July 29, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Richard Burton again after 1 year of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
December 4, 1976
– Elizabeth Taylor marries John Warner, who later becomes a United States Senator.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
November 7, 1982
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces John Warner after 6 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
October 6, 1991
– Elizabeth Taylor marries Larry Fortensky, whom she met in the Betty Ford rehab centre.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
“Can’t. Soz.”
October 31, 1996
– Elizabeth Taylor divorces Larry Fortensky after 5 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
January 22, 2000
– Kim Kardashian marries music producer Damon Thomas, at age 19.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
January 3, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Jason Alexander at a Las Vegas chapel.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
“Government says ‘No!'”
January 5, 2004
– Britney Spears annuls her marriage to Jason Alexander 55 hours after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
Feburary, 2004
– Kim Kardashian divorces Damon Thomas after 4 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in USA or Australia.
May 17, 2004
– Massachusetts becomes the first of many US jurisdictions to license and recognise same-sex marriage. In a surprise twist, an Apocalypse does not suddenly destroy the earth.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.
“Not allowed: Illegal.”
September 18, 2004
– Britney Spears marries Kevin Federline, a dancer whom she met the same year as her annulment and became engaged to after knowing each other for 3 months, after he left his pregnant fiancee.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.
July, 2006
– A same-sex couple become the first to divorce in USA. Against all predictions, the sanctity of marriage is not completely ruined for everyone else.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.
July 30, 2007
– Britney Spears divorces Kevin Federline after 3 years of marriage.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.
August 20, 2011
– Kim Kardashian marries Kris Humphries after dating for 1 year.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.
June 3, 2013
– Kim Kasdashian divorces Kris Humphries after filing divorce papers 72 days after the wedding.
– Same-sex couples are not legally able to marry in Australia.
“Fanx 4 dat.”
May 24, 2014
– Kim Kardashian marries Kanye West, having dating him while her second divorce was being finalised.
– Same-sex couples are still not legally able to marry in Australia.
*Just to clarify, the actress Elizabeth Taylor was a goddess, don’t get me wrong. But seriously Australia, get your shit together so I can marry someone as hot as her at least once.
USA: 1 AUS: 0
Adventures In Loserville 
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