What We Have Learnt From Tinder

The desire to communicate with only good-looking people is a very real, desperate need for most humans. Dating, casual sex, (and to a lesser extent, meaningful relationships) are all a wonderful part of life. And so, Tinder has come to our rescue, to ensure that only the highest quality of people dare to speak to us and address us by our alleged name.

According to our thorough and pathetic research, our studies have shown that if you are using Tinder, it is mandatory that your profile photos contain the following:

Males
– A shirtless photo
– A photo sporting a beard and/or sunglasses to make it hard to determine how attractive you really are
– Drinking photo

Females
– Bathroom Selfie
– Bikini shot
– Photo with a more attractive female friend(s) without specifying which one you are


In addition, should someone be bothered to find out a single thing about your personality before they swipe right on yo’ fine ass, you will need to include the following:

Males
– Your height (real or wishful)
– If you have ever picked up a barbell and attempted a bench press, you better mention it here
– Throw the terms ‘fun times’, ‘chilled’ and ‘cool’ in there
– “Drinkin’ with ma bois” also appears to be a favourite hobby amongst the gentlemen

Females
– A link to your ‘really inspiring’ instagram photos
– If you are blonde, it is important that you reiterate this here, in case your photos were not clear enough
– Throw the terms ‘travel’ and ‘having fun’ and ‘looking to meet new people’ in there somewhere
– If you are not looking to hook-up and are “In a relationship”, please note this statement will often be interpreted as “Not in a relationship”

The principle theory of Tinder is that it is perfectly fine to judge a book by it’s cover, especially if you don’t plan to read it or call it the next day.

If you have followed these simple rules for your profile, then you too will be happily matched in no time to the nearest douche-bag or tart.

Good luck!

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Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

Adventures in loserville-18

The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*

Shit Straight Girls Say To Lesbians

“But say, like, a guy came along and had everything you wanted in a woman… except he was a man, would you like, go there?”

“So how exactly does that work with two women?”

“Did you want to stay here and hang out with the guys while we go shopping?”

“Does it make you sad that you can’t have kids together? Like proper kids, that are both yours?”

“Who would you turn straight for?”

“How much money would you go straight for?”

“When did you decide to be gay?”

“I kinda get it because I see Angelina Jolie and I think ‘she’s really hot.’”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a dress.”

“I thought you were, but I didn’t want to say, in case you thought I was hitting on you.”

“What are you going to do if someone at work finds out?”

“Who’s going to wear the dress at the wedding?”

“Sorry I kissed you the other night, I was just drunk and wanted to know what it feels like.”

“Is that why you never wear make-up?”

“Can you just act a little less gay in front of my family?”

“What do you talk about when you’re with your gay friends?”

“Are you sure you’re a lesbian?”

“You’re a lesbian? But you’re so pretty!”

“Are you attracted to me?”

Reasons Not To Fall In Love

Falling in love can be a magical, surreal experience, however there are some pitfalls about falling in love that no one will probably ever warn you about.

The downfalls of falling in love:

  • The Economic Crisis:
    Being in love is expensive. You may find yourself wanting to buy your beloved all sorts of things just to make them smile. Can you really afford to dote on someone when there are so many new high-tech gadgets you could buy for yourself? Why should someone else receive heart-felt gifts with all your hard-earned money just because they are an amazing person? After all, eating dinner alone is a much more cost effective way of living rather taking your significant other to a romantic restaurant. You do the maths.
  • Time Management:
    You probably already lead quite a busy life, right? You have places to go and things to do every day, maybe even deadlines to meet. Imagine if someone came into your life and suddenly you found yourself wanting to spend more and more time with them. You might suddenly find yourself rearranging your time to be with them, neglecting a few responsibilities to spend a bit longer with them. Remember that broken tile in the bathroom you were going to fix a few months ago? Of course you don’t. Love can be very time-consuming. Are you sure you can fit this amazing human being into your schedule? It may mean you have to cut down on some of your time spent trolling the internet. Is it really worth it?

  • The Invisibility Phenomenon:
    It’s all well and good that you’ve gone and fallen in love. But what good is that to all your single friends? You used to be so good at consoling them through their heartbreaks. Now your advice is completely useless, that is, if they even ask you at all anymore. They are right to assume that, as you are now loved by someone, you no longer have any recollection of what it is like to be single and the concept of loneliness no longer exists for you. Finding a companion was a selfish, unforgivable thing to do. Whose failed love-life can they now compare their own to when they want to feel better?
  • The Unknown:
    Falling in love with someone may mean you start to try new things that you have never done before. You may notice that your beloved insists on sharing their interests with you. Let’s say their interest, for example, is gardening; a hobby that you had previously never really thought much about. Do you really want to learn so much about a topic just because your beloved’s face lights up when they talk about it? If their passion really was that great wouldn’t you have already been interested in it before they came along? Don’t let them broaden your horizons and change you for the better.

  • Emotional Rollercoaster:
    One would hope that falling in love would be a peaceful, calm journey. Alas by falling in love you choose to forfeit your own ability to control your emotions. This one mere person now has the power to set your heart pounding into a frenzy with a soft, slow kiss; make you laugh uncontrollably to the point where you almost lose bladder control; make a simple, beautiful gesture which brings you to the point of almost shedding a tear out of sheer joy. You don’t need that kind of instability. That kind of erratic behaviour can’t be good for you.

Love: Don’t fall for it.

If you ever find that you have fallen in love with someone, please follow this advice: Inform an adult of your situation and plan a safe exit.
It’s for your own good.
Friends don’t let friends form meaningful relationships.