Deciphering Real Estate Bullshit

Moving house can be the best, and very quickly, the worse decision one can make.

In the 15 minutes you get to inspect a house (and subsequently decide whether you want to live in it) you may come to find that things are not exactly how you envisioned them to be.
Sometimes, just sometimes, real estate companies may used terms that make a property seem slightly better than they are.

1950s-housewife

Susan loved the fact that her new place had no dishwasher.

Having visited many uninhabitable hot properties, it seems only fair to share the wisdom we have gained thus far. Here are a list of terms and their actual meaning:

COSY:
Comfortably fits 0.5 people.
Will suit single child or tenant with no intention to furnish.

CHARMING:
Charmingly out-dated interior design.
Possibly the previous resident was elderly and died there.

OLDER-STYLE:
Leaky roof.
No internet connection available.

GREAT LOCATION:
Nothing of interest within the house.

NEWLY RENOVATED:
Bathroom has stainless steel taps instead of white plastic ones.

CLOSE TO SHOPS:
A Post Office and Petrol Station nearby.

CLOSE TO SCHOOL:
Noisy.

CLOSE TO BEACH:
Expensive.

CLOSE TO PUBLIC TRANSPORT:
People hanging out at the bus stop at your front door.

PETS UPON APPLICATION:
Goldfish and/or small bird allowed.

WILL SUIT STUDENT:
Not suitable for adults.
Repairs not attended to.

PARTLY FURNISHED:
Contains poor-taste furniture too bulky to remove.

OPEN PLAN LIVING:
No privacy within the house.

MODERN STUDIO:
Has more than one power outlet.

NEAT:
Walls painted by a professional.

SMALL BACKYARD:
Strip of grass behind house.

COURTYARD AREA:
Has a back door leading out to the back fence.

OFF-STREET PARKING:
No parking.

SHARED LAUNDRY:
Shed with a washing machine out the back somewhere.

PARTIAL VIEW OF OCEAN:
Majority view of another building.

COMBINED DINING / LOUNGE AREA:
Pick one only.

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Getting Unfit and Staying Unfit

The best time to start any new change is tomorrow; it’s close enough that you can feel inspired about it, without having to actually do something today.

How I Keep Unfit:

Sometimes I flick through a fitness magazine or see a TV ad for a smoothie maker and suddenly decide I am going to change my life and become incredibly fit (read: hot).

I usually kick-start my fitness plan by spending a whole day at the shops looking to buy the perfect pair of new running shoes. When I eventually arrive home, often without shoes at all, I am completely exhausted and lay about on the couch.

If I do decide to go for a jog the next day, conditions must be perfect. After all, I don’t want to feel uncomfortable; the biggest part of a healthy lifestyle is self-esteem and feeling good about what you are doing. I would love to run, but unfortunately there is simply no way I can should any wind, rain, excessive sunshine, spectators or judgmental dogs be around. If all is clear I will need to have something suitable to wear, although as I currently hate my entire wardrobe, a day at the shops for a workout outfit may be necessary.

Watching 'Bridget Jones' Diary' can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself.

Watching ‘Bridget Jones’ Diary’ can be an excellent way to feel better about yourself, without having to better yourself. (See also: The Biggest Loser)

My diet starts off with good intentions. I troll through Instagram looking at healthy menu ideas for dinner whilst munching on an unsatisfying celery stalk and then downing a Diet Coke to make sure my tastebuds still work. Buying plenty of whole, raw foods makes me feel like I’m already a full-blown yoga instructor. I make a point to look down upon those in the frozen food aisle so as to motivate them to change to the healthy, organic lifestyle that I have decided I am adopting this week. My fridge becomes stocked with foods I am yet to Google how to prepare or cook and others I will discover I don’t like the taste of.

The day after this, if I haven’t forgotten entirely about my health plan, I usually decide I should dedicate a set time each day to exercise.

Starting tomorrow.

In the early morning my alarm goes off and I decide that early mornings will not be that time.
Later in the afternoon I conclude that sometime before dinner would be a good time to workout as it will get my appetite going. Granted, there is a TV show I simply must watch first because we all need some guilty pleasures, no matter how small, however I decide I will get started after the episode finishes.

A quick check of Facebook naturally follows. As expected, there is nothing much on my news feed of any particular interest. One would think I could pull myself away, but yet the sun begins to set outside while I aimlessly flick through things and look at what other people liked.

As it is now dinner time I must first take in my fuel before any exercise happens. A funny smell is lingering and I find a wilted bunch of ‘some-organic-plant-I-have-forgotten-how-to-pronounce’ squashed behind my emergency chocolate milk. The texture of whatever superfood I had bought and subsequently killed is so slimy and gross I deem the situation a state of emergency.

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Fig 1. How to sexually arouse a female

I decide I need to go back to the shops to get actual edible food and a new magazine for a visionboard collage that I will never get around to making, and thus, I end my intensive week of hardcore fitness, health and inner wellbeing.

#winning

Conversing In Puns: Another Way To Annoy People (Part II)

Corny Puns…

“Herb you heard the news?”
“No, spill the beans. Dish.”
“We’re all going out to play Squash tomorrow. Spread the word.”
“I can’t plate.”
“Oh cardamon, ol’ chum! Wok’s wrong?”
“I’m not game. I’m chicken. I’ve never bean.”
“Look, olive oily in the morning and we’ll go down there and give it a grow.”
“No, there’s no thyme.”
“Yes there is, you mustard it to your list of things to do.”
“I don’t carrot ’bout it.”
“You’re making a mis-steak.”
“But I can’t serve.”
“Fork-get about that, you will learn spoon enough.”
“It’s knife of you to offer but it’s just not mint to be.”
“You’re nuts.”
“Orange you being a bit clove-minded?”
“You should just cumin try and seed how you like it.”
“O-kale try.”
“I knew you wouldn’t lettuce down. Well done.”
“I didn’t realise you would be so in-salted if I dill’d not water do it.”
“You know meat. It wood-fire me up if I had you there playing with me.”
“Guest I’m on your team then?”
“Jam right you are.”
“Sweet.”
“Soy what are you whey-tin’ for?”
“Cheese-us, mate. Can’t I have a moment of pea-ce?”
“I juice want to make sure you’re pre-pear’d.”
“It doesn’t look berry easy.”
“You’ll be grape at it.”
“Thanks, sugar.”
“Ooh, saucy.”
“…cheesy.”

What We Have Learnt From Horror Movies

Horror movies are designed to shock and fill in time before the apparent Zombie Apocalypse.

After avid and countless hours of research whilst the rest of our lives fall apart, we have noted trends that appear in horror movies and, should any of these events actually take place, we have compiled data that you may be able to recall should a mad killer or monster ever be on the loose and want to acquaint itself with your flesh.
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Women:
Should an horrific disaster be taking place, don’t bother wasting precious seconds grabbing clothes as you flee out the door, as you will find that your clothes will mysteriously start to strategically fall off as the drama continues.

Lesbians:
Lesbians will always be a target. However, if you are a butch short-haired lesbian expect to have a couple of good one-liners, a little bit of ass-kicking, then ultimately be killed by some sort of male monstrosity.
Long-haired, slim, good-looking lesbians can be expected to live for the majority of the event. Kissing an equally attractive female during the chaos will help to increase your lifespan.

Pet Owners:
Your dog is probably smarter than you and fled the first second there was trouble instead of messing about with fate and answering the door at midnight or checking outside in the dark without a weapon. Let your animal run free to save itself instead of bringing its existence to the attention of the maniac. Your dog will bark and give away your location as revenge for not letting it GTFO.

Nerds:
Your brains may help you to be recruited to the team of the survivors, but do not be fooled, they are all blaming you for not knowing that this Apocalypse was going to happen, genius.
If your plan to stay alive works better without the single mother and the leader guy having to be involved, then you should leave them to rot. Quite frankly you are cramping their style.

Men:
Good-looking man = Safe
Overweight man = Goodbye

Remember: if you need to kill someone, just keep shooting or stabbing til they’re dead, like, for real dead. If an evil person starts openly telling you their entire plot of domination, kill them while they’re chatting. And don’t leave the knife or whatever next to them, they’re bleeding, not stupid.

Alternatively, try to lock your doors, dumb-ass. And for God’s sake, if you hear something during the night, just do what I do on most Saturday nights: just stay under the covers, cry and wait for death.

…If you are reading this, I am going to assume you are not dead and therefore this guide has served you well.
You’re welcome.

What We Have Learnt From Tinder

The desire to communicate with only good-looking people is a very real, desperate need for most humans. Dating, casual sex, (and to a lesser extent, meaningful relationships) are all a wonderful part of life. And so, Tinder has come to our rescue, to ensure that only the highest quality of people dare to speak to us and address us by our alleged name.

According to our thorough and pathetic research, our studies have shown that if you are using Tinder, it is mandatory that your profile photos contain the following:

Males
– A shirtless photo
– A photo sporting a beard and/or sunglasses to make it hard to determine how attractive you really are
– Drinking photo

Females
– Bathroom Selfie
– Bikini shot
– Photo with a more attractive female friend(s) without specifying which one you are


In addition, should someone be bothered to find out a single thing about your personality before they swipe right on yo’ fine ass, you will need to include the following:

Males
– Your height (real or wishful)
– If you have ever picked up a barbell and attempted a bench press, you better mention it here
– Throw the terms ‘fun times’, ‘chilled’ and ‘cool’ in there
– “Drinkin’ with ma bois” also appears to be a favourite hobby amongst the gentlemen

Females
– A link to your ‘really inspiring’ instagram photos
– If you are blonde, it is important that you reiterate this here, in case your photos were not clear enough
– Throw the terms ‘travel’ and ‘having fun’ and ‘looking to meet new people’ in there somewhere
– If you are not looking to hook-up and are “In a relationship”, please note this statement will often be interpreted as “Not in a relationship”

The principle theory of Tinder is that it is perfectly fine to judge a book by it’s cover, especially if you don’t plan to read it or call it the next day.

If you have followed these simple rules for your profile, then you too will be happily matched in no time to the nearest douche-bag or tart.

Good luck!

Rough Guide To Breaking Up With Someone

If, after several years, months or even minutes, you decide you are no longer committed to someone, you have the right to completely shatter their life and leave.

Breaking up is hard to do. I know because I heard Taylor Swift mention it once or twice. (Although, having always been the ‘Adele’ in these situations, I am only assuming T-Swizzle knew what she was singing about.) There is no distinct ‘right way’ to do it. I mean, it’s all well and good to empathise for the person in the situation whose heart will be inevitably crushed, but what about all the forethought, preparation, timing and effort the ‘breaker’ goes through in order to achieve a successful breakup.

Depending on what sort of aftermath you are looking for, or the seriousness of the fling you are in, you should always choose a break-up method that is best suited to your needs. (Because clearly, the needs of the person you intend to destroy are irrelevant.)

To help you get rid of your no-longer-significant other, we have compiled a list of options for you to browse through. Each alternative has its own advantages so take time to consider your preference prior to hurting their feelings. However, we advise you to take care that you understand the goal is ‘Relationship Termination’ before undertaking the following methods.

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The Options:

Via Facebook:
Pros – A simple option. By simply changing your relationship status, sending a short message (public or privately) or completely ‘de-friending’ you can ensure a swift and clean escape.
Cons – Prepare to be interrogated by mutual friends. Or worse, have your “Delete these photos, pls” misunderstood as playful couples banter.

MIA:
Pros – Completely avoiding this person at all costs can be a nice way to go. It’s a guaranteed way of ensuring that you will be able to dodge that final dreaded conversation, in which you must give this person reason for breaking their heart.
Cons – This can be hard to maintain over a long period of time. It also means you may have to settle for that hipster coffee place down the street with milk crates for seats.

Via text message:
Pros – The ol’ text message. Quick, easy, to the point and cost effective; this is an approach that comes highly recommended.
Cons – Tone can be difficult to read in text message, so be concise to avoid confusion. Instead of “I don’t want to do this anymore”, try “I will be moving out as of Monday.”

Reverse psychology:
Pros – An effective, guilt-free way to do it by becoming so utterly needy, annoying or controlling that they instead break it off with you. Not only do you get to leave, but others will offer sympathy in the form of gifts post-breakup.
Cons – They may not break up with you.

*The authors hold no responsibility for relationships ruined or not properly destroyed using this guide*

Top 10 Reasons For Being Late To Work

1. Attempting to leave at very delicately timed latest possible minute.

2. Choosing an outfit for unrelated event happening outside of work hours.

3. Waking up to an alarm and in a sleepy daze not being able to remember what it had been set for.

4. Some form of breakfast disaster, including spillage, overcooking (burning), running out of an item or completely over-doing portion size to the point of illness.

5. Not being told about daylight savings time change by several forms of media.

6. Bad hair day.

7. Contemplating giving up all connections with outside world due to bad weather.

8. Phone out of battery – making last minute attempt to charge to at least 3% before leaving.

9. Spider found in house – sole purpose in life now to use all energy to make sure it can be seen at all times until it either leaves the house or dies.

10. Went on the internet.