First-World Lesbian Problems

  • Sharing a wardrobe.
  • Having to explain to straight people that neither of you is the ‘man’ in the relationship.
  • Having to decide whether to chop off your hair and be recognized as a lesbian, or keep your hair long and be assumed straight.
  • Listening to one of your family members awkwardly refer to your partner as your ‘friend’ or ‘roommate’.
  • Having to converse with a work colleague who keeps casually mentioning Ellen Degeneres as a way of trying to tactfully decipher your sexuality.
  • Being asked by acquaintances, “Do you have a boyfriend?”
  • Knowing that the L Word character you like the most is not the same character you are most like.
  • Getting distracted by porn every time you Google anything remotely lesbian related.
  • Never knowing if it is yet safe to drop the word ‘she’ in, after continually using the gender-neutral term “my partner.”

  • PMS:  Pre-Menstrual Synchronisation.
  • Trying to slink out of a room when the discussion topic suddenly becomes “How do lesbians have sex?”
  • When saying “my girlfriend and I”, wondering if the person listening understands you mean partner and not a ‘girl friend’.
  • Consistently finding yourself attracted to the only straight girl at the gay bar.
  • Having to again listen to a man ask the disgustingly inevitable; “Can I watch?”
  • Wearing your girlfriend’s wedgie-inclined pair of underwear by mistake.
  • Deciding what your kids will call each of their mums to avoid confusion.
  • Trying to participate in a conversation with your straight friends about “that hot guy with the dimples.”
  • Australia’s biggest first-world problem: Tony Abbott.
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A Typical Day In My Life (According To My Google Search History)

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7:08AM      Facebook

7:57AM      Breakfast Ideas

8:02AM      Easy breakfast ideas

8:05AM      Breakfast ideas with least than 5 ingredients

8:07AM      What is the cheapest cereal?

8:08AM      Grocery store opening hours Sydney area

8:25AM      Online banking

10:05AM     Facebook

10:32AM     things to do in Sydney

10:34AM     Free things to do in Sydney

10:35AM     Facebook

10:37AM     shopping centres Sydney area

11:53AM     convert American dress size to UK sizing

11:58AM     Online banking

12:14PM     Meal ideas

12:17PM     Healthy meal ideas

12:20PM     Healthy cheap easy meal ideas

12:22PM     What is turmeric?

2:19PM      Cheapest petrol Sydney area

3:09PM      Food allergies

3:13PM      What causes bloating?

3:28PM      Refund policies / returning clothing

3:54PM      Shopping centre closing hours Sydney area

4:42PM      Facebook

5:01PM      New release movies

5:10PM      Lesbian films

5:10PM      Lesbian films (safesearch turned on)

5:56PM      video store trading hours Sydney area

6:27PM      Online banking

7:19PM      Facebook

7:24PM      Best nachos recipe

9:41PM      Facebook

10:02PM     Lesbian films (safesearch turned off)

Butch, Please: A Letter To My Future Monster-In-Law

A letter to my future mother-in-law

Dear Gracious Saint of the western suburbs,

Just checking in to see how things are going re: accepting my existence.

What’s been happenin’? Haven’t heard from you in a while since that time you graciously ushered me out of your house. I apologise btw, for being forthcoming with my sexual orientation (soz), I didn’t realise that when you interrogated me the polite thing to do would have been to remain deeply closeted. It wont happen again, I promise; especially now that you have explained how easy it can be to brainwash people like your daughter into wanting to have sex with a person of the same gender. Thanks for the heads up.

I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye after you slammed the door, but I did get your text message and wanted to say a big thank you. I think you might have had autocorrect on ’cause I’m not sure what a ‘slitty botch’ is, but I appreciated the sentiment all the same.

I assumed you must have been busy lately. It must be a lot to deal with having your own daughter selfishly decide to move out in her twenties. Kids can be so ungrateful, can’t they? They never think about how it will affect the parent. I mean, since she abandoned you she has left you with no other choice but to drive all the way to the shops now when you need to find someone to criticise. I can’t imagine how it must feel having your child go off the rails like that; learning to drive, getting a job and moving in with a partner. It’s inconceivable when one considers that she was raised by someone as well-mannered and respected as yourself. It’s almost laughable. (Laughing being the sounds that one makes when they are happy – jks.)

But anyway, what have you been up to? The last time I saw you you were talking about all this religious stuff you are into. Btw have you been to church yet? I never recall ever seeing you there when I drive past, which is a shame because you seemed to be really keen on it. Oh also, I was going to look up that thing you told me from the bible. You know, the part that God wrote? The part about dykes being she-devils? Turns out though, I don’t own a copy of the ol’ good book. I’d borrow your copy of it, but I didn’t remember seeing it anywhere at your place that time I stayed over and committed a carnal sin with your daughter.

Anyway, take care of yourself.
In the mean time, try not to socialise with too many homosexuals in case you become one. (You know what they’re like – LOL.)

Love ya.

From your favourite ‘slotty butch’

X X X X

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